To be minus a member of their party unnerved Felicia. It made the danger feel more real.
"Do we push ahead or stop for the night?" Duke asked, rubbing her hip in a comforting gesture.
His touch felt incredible, and she melted against him, too tired and emotional to waste the energy fighting what she longed for.
"We stop." As always, Bram made the pronouncement like a consummate leader.
"Wonderful. So bloody tired ..." Ice groused.
She heard multiple zips coming down at once, then the slither of nylon. Everyone was fishing their sleeping bags from their rucksacks. She had best do the same.
Before she could sling the pack off her back, Duke moved in behind her and pulled her sleeping bag out. His grunt and the rasp of synthetic material told her that he did the same with his own. After a curse and more sounds of metallic teeth moving, he took her hand and pulled her into a little alcove around the corner and down to the ground with him. As Felicia felt around, she realized that he'd joined their sleeping bags together to make one pallet for them both.
"Relax," he whispered. "Hungry?"
"Please."
After a fumble or two in the dark, she managed to find his hand and the beef jerky he offered. She grimaced at the first salty bite, but it provided protein and energy.
They ate in silence, and she wished more than anything that she could see Simon's face. Was he looking at her? Was he angry that he'd been unable to perform magic around her when they'd tried earlier? It wasn't that she didn't trust him with her life, but opening herself so totally ... God, did she even know how? Would he want her forever if he really knew her?
Still, Felicia knew she must continue to try. Having a warrior capable of magic if they were forced to face down either Mathias or Morganna would be critical to winning.
And with every step, they marched closer to the tomb. She had days--perhaps only hours--to figure out how to allow Duke's magic to function in her presence.
Moments later, they heard Bram's soft snore on the other side of the wall. Across the cavern, the sounds of Ice settling in reached her ears. Bless them both for giving her and Duke as much privacy as possible.
"Duke?" Ice called.
Beside her, he tensed. "Yes."
"You're the only one here who can recharge your magic. The only one with the possibility of using it when we reach the tomb. Whatever problems you two have, get over them. Fast. I want to see my mate again."
The sounds of Ice burrowing into his bag took over for minutes, then he fell silent.
Mortification and anxiety twisted Felicia's insides. Ice was right. If they failed, it would likely be her fault ... unless she found some way to scale the huge walls she'd been building around her heart all her life.
"Where do we begin?" Her voice trembled, and she hated that. But she couldn't hide it. Simon was too perceptive not to notice.
"Sunshine ..." He caressed her hair, no doubt wanting to reassure her.
But it wasn't all right. She knew that. When only their relationship had been at stake, she had the luxury of going slow and taking baby steps. Now, that was gone.
She tensed, thinking about just how emotionally intimate opening herself totally to Simon would be. What if he discovered he really didn't like her after all?
"I know Ice is right," she whispered. "We must solve this. I can't keep standing in your way. I can't be the cause of any warrior's death. Or Mason's."
I need you and I don't know how to tell you.
Simon was silent for long moments. "I don't want to be necessary for the sake of your conscience. I want to be necessary to your heart. But I can't force you. I've done everything I know to help, Felicia. The rest must come from you."
She closed her eyes. He was dead right. Which meant that she was going to have to let him into those uncomfortable parts of her heart and psyche, and trust that all the caring he'd exhibited was real ... and lasting.
Heaving a long sigh, she rolled into his arms, placing her palm over the strong beat of his heart. "I hardly know where to start."
"At the beginning, with your parents?"
She nodded. Time to let go.
"I resented them. That sounds terrible. They adopted me from a gray, unfeeling place. But at least at the orphanage, I expected that. When Deirdre and I were adopted, we had such high hopes. At first, it was all lace and fancy dresses, dolls, trips, and new toys. Then I realized my father was never there, and my mother was too busy with her social climbing to pay us girls much mind. Deirdre took on the motherly role, making sure my homework was done and I was tucked into bed with my prayers. But after a while, I became her mother in a sense. She had suffered abuse as a young child. For years, no amount of affection, attention, reassurance was ever enough. We were each other's rock all through adolescence. I held her hand through a string of failed relationships. But as we grew older, she finally grew more confident, started making better choices. She began to shine."
"Then came Alexei?"
"He stripped her back to that frightened girl. Years and years of progress, of assurance and hugs ... all gone in months. I tried to rebuild her. Day and night, I stayed with her, talked to her, cried ..." Felicia felt something inside her give way, and her chest all but caved in. She shook with the first sob. "It wasn't enough."
Simon wrapped a comforting hand around her shoulder. "Maybe Deirdre didn't want to be saved. You invested yourself in her. She was the only person you'd ever totally been yourself with, given everything to. The only person you let yourself truly love."
"Y-yes."
"And she left you."
"I ... wasn't enough for her. Why would I be for you?" She grabbed his shirt in a fist, a fresh dose of anger pouring through her. "Dragging me to the cemetery was awful and low--"
"And necessary. No matter what happens, if you're ever going to be happy, you must heal. You can't keep blaming yourself, your parents, Alexei, or anyone else for Deirdre's choice. I know you hurt like hell. It wasn't your failure or even her bad relationship that led her to her end. It was her. She lacked the will and the strength to heal. I refuse to believe that of you."
Felicia choked back the retort on the tip of her tongue. Oh God, he was right. It wasn't that she feared becoming suicidal. After she hadn't been enough to save Deirdre, she'd feared being crushed again, regressing back to that little wide-eyed girl who'd first climbed into the Saffords' car, feeling so alone, with high hopes and fairy tale dreams, only to be disappointed by reality.
Had she feared never finding happiness so much that she'd never allowed anyone but Deirdre the chance to be close to her? Yes.
A bitter realization.
"You've done so much for me," she whispered to Simon.
"You owe me nothing." His voice turned to steel.
Simon sounded angry, and in his shoes, she supposed she would be as well. To continually reach out to someone only to be rebuffed and have distance shoved between you would be excruciating. He was so strong, she'd never considered that he might have needs or fears that he'd like to unburden on her.
"I owe you an apology. I've asked a great deal of you, put you through a lot. I'm sorry."
He merely grunted, and Felicia wasn't sure what to make of that, so she pressed on.
"What about your childhood? Losing your father must have been difficult?"
"It was. But my mother was all I could have asked for in a parent. My stepfather was kind."
"W-what about you and Mason?"
"We were close until I turned thirty and became a wizard. I had this instant obsession to understand what I was, and spent all my free time learning about magickind.
Mason was an impressionable kid, and must have felt like an outsider suddenly. I didn't even stop to think ..." And Mason had come to resent him.
"I know you never meant to hurt him."
"The only time I knowingly hurt him was when I took you."
Felicia sighed into the silence. She didn't want to be the cause of dissension between brothers, but nor did she want to risk a broken heart. A part of her was still furious that Simon had dragged her to the cemetery to face Deirdre. But she'd needed it, as she'd come to need him. If she wasn't able to admit that she loved him, even if allowing him the power to hurt her terrified her, how long would he stay? And why should he?
Damn it, they needed to continue forging their bond, but she didn't know what else to say or do.
Beneath her touch, his heart beat low and strong. The hard flesh and light dusting of hair under her palm made her remember the times he'd locked her in his embrace and claimed her completely. Her lips tingled with the need to feel his kiss, to feel her bare skin pressed to his.
"Simon?" She edged closer, following the delicious scents of midnight and citrus and man until she placed her lips on his stubbled cheek.
He tensed, but Felicia ignored him, chasing the line of his jaw to his delicious cleft chin. Then she crept up to his mouth, laying a seeking kiss directly on his firm lips.
"Felicia." He grabbed her shoulders. "Not because Ice shamed you into it. Please."
"He was right, but that isn't why." She surged free of his hold and covered his mouth with hers.
Felicia understood Simon's reluctance. She'd kept secret the fact he was special and dear to her, that she'd fallen in love. Now, she tried to let go of all her fears and just be with him, shivering when he kissed her back, growing bold as he sank deep into her mouth, his hand clutching her nape.
Then he pulled away. "Don't do this if you don't mean it."
His voice resounded with pain, and she ached as well. "I mean it. Very much.
I've ... missed you. I want to be close to you."
"Why?"
Simon wanted her to give more than her body. He wanted something deeper. But rather than opening her mouth to just spit out the contents of her heart, couldn't she simply show him?
When she moved her mouth to his again, he grabbed her shoulders and held her at bay. "Why?"
"You're ... important to me," she whispered. "Very much so."
"So is Mason," he growled. "Or we wouldn't be here now."
Yes, but it wasn't the same. He had to understand that. "I've never allowed myself to be this open with Mason. Please ..."
She caressed his cheek, and he allowed the touch. Still, she sensed his upheaval, and something inside her wept with both frustration and disappointment in herself. She needed to let go and find a way to tell Simon how she felt.
"But you've also risked yourself for him in a way you never have with me." He sighed heavily. "I've pledged to you my heart, my devotion, and my eternity. I've tried to be patient and understanding. I've tried, in my way, to help you heal. But you can't say three words to me. I don't want you to if you don't mean them. Without them, though, I don't know how much more there is to say."
Fear struck her heart, made it shudder and quake. Was he giving up?
"You're leaving me?"
"No. Merely ... protecting my heart."
He was closing himself off from her. Just as she'd done to him.
And the pain was immense.
"Don't. Please," she gasped. "I--" Love you. She swallowed, aching to say it. But fear seized her.
"You ... ?" Even in the dark she could feel his intent stare.
"I feel more for you than I ever thought I'd let myself feel again. I know I'll never feel this way about anyone else." Please let that be enough for now. Love felt too new, towering and raw, to blurt in the dark when she couldn't see his response in his eyes.
When she was still trying to put Deirdre to rest.
Simon hesitated for a tense minute. She sensed his mind turning, deciding.
Suddenly, he cut her off with a kiss, his lips a hard demand on hers. Felicia savored his male taste, their connection, with the bittersweet joy churning in her heart.
His tongue swept inside her mouth, and she leaned in, fused to him by the pleasure of his kiss and the need building in her heart.
The kiss seared her, making arousal soar in her belly. Until Simon lifted his head, panting.
Waiting for her to make the next move.
Without hesitation, Felicia sat up, peeled away her coat and shirt, tore off her trainers, shimmied out of her jeans. Beside him, she barely felt the cold cavern air.
Then she reached for his hand--and placed his palm over her bare breast.
"Felicia?" he whispered thickly.
Her heart clamored in her chest, answering with a beat of love. "Thank you for everything. For taking me from my wedding and hiding me from Mathias. For mating with me to keep me safe. For showing me both parts of your life. For doing so much to heal me and make me feel adored." Her heart jumped into her throat, and she choked out,
"Don't give up on me."
Before Simon could react, Felicia pressed her bare skin against his sleek, tight-muscled body and covered his mouth with hers. He stiffened. For a terrible moment, Felicia feared he'd reject her, realize she hadn't told him that she loved him and put more distance between them, perhaps permanently.
Instead he groaned, "I can't stay away," and possessed her lips with a single-minded intensity that made her blood sing.