She grabbed Simon, her gaze imploring. "Please. If I see her grave now, it will be as if she died all over again. I can't face that."
"Did you ever really accept her death? I'm not certain you moved past anger--at Alexei, at your parents. Were you angry with her as well? I think you were and you used your rage to close yourself off."
Felicia shrank away from him. He'd seen her too clearly and stripped her bare, down to her soul. That fact perversely pleased and terrified her. "Please, don't."
The wind whipped through Simon's hair, and he hesitated. She prayed he would let this go, understand that if she completely accepted Deirdre's death, she'd have to admit that, Simon aside, she truly had no one.
"I'm sorry. But regardless of what happens between us, you need to put her to rest and heal. You'll never be whole until you do."
With that, he picked her up and carried her, crying and fighting, to Deirdre's grave. Felicia buried her face in Simon's neck, squeezed her eyes shut. He pried her away from him and set her down, then spun her around.
"Stop. Face her. You loved her in life. Why have you abandoned her now?"
The sight of her tombstone beside her parents', all decorated with the smatterings of the dried wreaths she'd had laid at Christmas, stared her in the face. Fading red ribbons flapped in the breeze. Leaves blew across the cold earth. The sight was a blow to her stomach, a rending of her heart. Years of fear and loneliness rushed over her, a tidal wave of emotion she couldn't hide from.
"Abandon her?" Felicia screamed. "She abandoned me. They all did! My birth 166
parents gave me away. My adoptive parents left me to nannies and servants."
"Your birth parents gave you up to save your life. Your adoptive parents were shallow and incapable of love. That's not a reflection of you or your worth. Despite them, you have a huge heart. Let it heal."
She shook her head as tears streamed down her wind-chilled face. "Deirdre was the one person I let myself love. After Alexei crushed her, I would have continued holding her hand, helped her through anything. But she left me alone. Sh-she didn't even say good-bye."
God, Felicia couldn't breathe. The pain was like a tsunami, growing and growing, then pulling her under until she was drowning in misery, loneliness, anguish. Glaring at Deirdre's headstone, she dropped to her knees. "Why the hell did you leave me like that?
You never even said good-bye! No note, no ..."
She dissolved into sobs.
Then Simon's arms came around her, lifting her to her feet. He felt warm. He was a life preserver in a raging sea. "Shh. Deirdre didn't leave you; she left the pain. All that you're going through now? She ran from it. You're stronger. You will overcome it. Once you have, you can accept, open yourself to love. Be happy. You could have been her anchor, but she shut everyone out. Don't make her mistake. I'll help you. Please let me."
He was right. She clutched her middle, not sure if she had the strength to reach out for him.
The realization only made her cry harder.
To take the leap of faith he proposed, she'd have to cross a chasm of black terror.
She'd have to invest totally in someone else again. She felt nowhere near ready ... but Simon had burrowed into her heart. Even with her guard up, she'd come to need him.
Now, without him, Felicia feared she'd wither, die. What the hell was she going to do?
Back in the limousine, Duke sank into the buttery leather seats beside Felicia. She was quiet, eerily so, her face pale and shell-shocked. Biting back a curse, he wondered if he'd pushed too hard, too fast. But Felicia needed to deal with her demons so she could heal. And yes, some selfish corner of his heart had done it with the hope they could have a future.
Now, it was all in her hands. As much as he wanted to wrap her in his embrace again and keep encouraging her to open up, he couldn't push her more. She'd fought against this moment for years. Grief wasn't like a light switch a person could turn off at will.
He stared at the privacy glass. "I didn't take you there to hurt you."
Slowly, she nodded. "You're right. I couldn't love Mason as more than a friend because of my fear. I've hurt him terribly. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. I know you think he will, but ..." She shrugged, then turned glassy blue eyes on him. Tears trembled on her dark lashes. "I don't want to hurt you as I've hurt him. I ... I can't shut off my feelings for you in the same way. It's frightening."
A fist squeezed Duke's heart. It was the closest thing to an attachment that she'd admitted. "Then don't."
Felicia turned quiet, pensive. "For all we've been through, I've spent a mere four days with you. I-I ... need your patience."
"Sunshine, I'll give you whatever you need. I want you to be whole and happy, no matter what you do."
The tears shimmering at the edge of her lashes fell. "I've been such a bother to you. Dragging me from danger, dealing with my woes. I don't deserve you."
He smiled gently and teased, "Well, there's something you can strive for."
She leaned forward slowly, slowly, eyes fluttering closed, lips gently parted.
Everything inside him leapt to roaring life. As always, Duke hungered to get her under him, soft and willing. But now he wanted to see the love shining through her eyes and feel the complete acceptance in her body. Soon, he promised himself.
As he laid his mouth over hers, they shared a solemn moment, a breath. His heart filled with love, nearly burst.
Then his phone rang. He yanked it from his pocket and stared at the display.
Bram.
"What?" Duke barked.
"It's Tynan." Bram's voice sounded strained.
Duke leapt to instant attention, breath held. "Tell me."
"We opened Kari's pub this morning and ..." Bram paused, sighed. "Fuck. We found his body. Mathias tortured him. I've never seen anything so terrible. He was gutted alive, most of his body burned. He must have suffered ... unimaginably."
Sick finality slid through Duke. This was their worst fear come true. Dear God ...
Beside him, Felicia gasped. She'd overheard, damn it. Bram was scaring the hell out of her. But maybe knowing the worst of magickind's danger would convince her that she didn't belong anywhere near Morganna's tomb.
He clutched the phone. "Bloody hell, how did we let this happen?"
"We tried to stop Tynan from going to Mathias. The dumb fucking wanker insisted." Bram sighed again, sounding so tired. "Since Shock took him to Mathias and did nothing to prevent Tynan's death, I guess this tells us where his loyalties truly lie."
Duke had suspected the truth for a long time. To be proven right only made him more angry. "I vote we kill the son of a bitch."
"Amen. Tynan's death throws the Council in another bloody mess, too."
Indeed. With Tynan gone, the Doomsday Brethren had lost a great deal of influence on the magical Council. Now instead of needing just one vote--that of Sterling MacTavish, Lucan's and Caden's uncle--to swing the Council their way, they'd need two.
Since Tynan had died without heirs, no telling who would replace him or how Mathias-friendly that wizard would be. Damn! The last thing magickind needed now was more turmoil.
"I think you and Felicia should join us, stay somewhere near Kari's pub," Bram said. "My house is nearly rebuilt. I've had people working day and night. We must regroup. Safety in numbers. Felicia can distance herself from the others enough so that she doesn't interfere with our magical security. We'll reinforce her protection with manned watches." He sighed. "This game you're playing with Mathias ... we're down a warrior, and Mathias is beginning to show us what he's truly capable of. The danger is greater than ever."
Indeed. "We'll be there soon."
"Until then, be careful. I don't have to tell you how bad it would be for us all if Mathias got his hands on Felicia."
The mere suggestion made his heart stop and fear burn through his veins. Bram's dream, the one where Mathias captured her, came back to him in a rush. Duke broke out 168
in a cold sweat.
Moments later, heart and mind heavy, he rang off. He looked over at Felicia and saw her trembling. Her eyes filled with tears. Desperate to comfort her, Duke opened his mouth to assure her that she'd never suffer as Tynan had, then he closed it. That was one promise he couldn't make, no matter how badly he wanted to.
"I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe from Mathias."
"I know."
Silently, Duke wondered if it would be enough. He closed his eyes, certain Felicia wondered it, too.
In the somber silence, his phone rang again. He looked at the display. Mason.
Duke hesitated. Now wasn't the time to deal with his brother and the drama of jealousy.
"Let me answer it." She swallowed. "In my heart, he's still my friend. I need to tell him how sorry I am that--"
That what, she wanted to continue to lean on Mason as a crutch? Damn. "Answer it."
Felicia grabbed the phone and pressed the answer button. "Mason, I'm glad you called. I--"
"Not Mason, dear." A deep velvety voice purred in her ear. "Mathias. Mason is with me. You and I haven't met yet, but we will. If you want your fiance and your lover's brother back alive, you know what I want. Bring the Book of Doomsday and come to the tomb tonight."
Chapter 16
CASTING A CONCERNED GLANCE at Felicia, Duke climbed from the car in Glastonbury, near a little pub that cashed in on the town's mythical heritage as the fabled Avalon of Arthurian lore. She'd spoken very little during the entire trip from London, merely buried her head in Merlin's tomes. She was anxious. Bloody hell, so was he. He must keep her safe. And what the devil would he tell his mother if anything happened to his brother? Felicia was already mired in guilt and anger ... If Mathias killed Mason, what would that do to her? God knew, he'd carry his own cross of guilt for the next thousand years.
"Killing Mason doesn't help Mathias's cause," he tried to reassure her, as much as himself.
While a sadistic bastard, the evil wizard usually had a reason for everything he did. Tynan's murder made sense for Mathias. Eliminating a member of both the Doomsday Brethren and the Council was a big win. Mason was merely leverage ... at least for now. But if Mathias got what he wanted? Mason would be expendable, and Duke feared his brother would be six feet under.
Felicia stepped from the car, determination stamped across her feminine features.
"But he'll do it if we fail to follow his terms. I won't let Mason suffer as Tynan did."
Yes, Simon had seen the horror of it for himself mere hours ago. The gruesome sight had turned his stomach. The brutality of the slaying brought this war to a whole new level, and every one of the Doomsday Brethren knew it. So damn sad that the wizard had dedicated the last months of his life to avenging Auropha's murder ... only to join her as another casualty.
Whatever enmity Duke and Mason shared, he'd never wanted his brother dragged into this dangerous world. He must save Mason ... but damn it, not by risking Felicia.
"Which is exactly why you shouldn't be here," he argued. "If Mathias captures you as well ..."
"He can't use magic against me. I'm reading up for some way to destroy Morganna's essence so that I'm no longer valuable to him. I'm the only one who can help Mason. And after all he's done for me and all I've done to him, I must."
Duke knew that protesting was pointless. They'd argued this very point while packing up their hotel room and stopping by Kari's pub. They'd reached an impasse, so she'd enlisted Bram's help the second they walked through the pub's door. While Duke had argued that there must be another way to confront Mathias and rescue Mason, when Bram asked for suggestions, Duke had nothing. There was no other bloody way. They all knew it.
Winter bit through Duke's coat as he slammed the car door with all the frustration seething inside him. Felicia sent him an apologetic glance, but it changed nothing. As worried as he was for Mason and for her, another demon ate at him: Felicia would risk her life for Mason, but with her own mate, she refused to risk her heart. Didn't that tell him in no uncertain terms that she wasn't ready--or willing--to let go of her past and embrace their future? An ice pick to the chest would hurt less.
As they approached the unfamiliar pub, the door opened. Bram, Ice, and Marrok, 170
looking grim, stood inside the empty place, waiting. Ice and Marrok held pints in white-knuckled fists. Bram looked tense and shaky, strung out on fury and adrenaline.
"Glad you made it," Bram said. "The pub owner is a friend of Kari's. He says we can leave your car and any other gear here until we return."
If they returned.
Felicia nodded. "Good. What other arrangements must we make? With Mason captive, we must begin tonight."
For the first time, Bram hesitated. "I can't say exactly what we'll face. Marrok has brought his sword. Duke, Ice, and I will be with you. When Mathias appears, you won't be alone."
"We can't let him hurt Mason," she said with determination.
Bram nodded. "And we can't let him resurrect Morganna. Under any circumstances."
"Let's not dwell on our fears," Ice suggested. "What do we know about the tomb and anything inside it?"