But she couldn’t look at this beautiful house without the other memories crashing in. Lucan leading her inside for the first time, smiling nervously, wondering if she’d like it as much as he did. Lucan serving her breakfast in bed wearing nothing more than a grin. Lucan across the table as they shared roast beef and Yorkshire pudding while he listened to her talk about her day. Lucan reaching for her in the dead of night because he couldn’t wait another second to touch her.
Gone. All of that…just gone.
“Anka?”
Her head snapped around to one side as a figure emerged from the back garden. Her heart stopped, and she felt frozen. “Caden.”
“Anka, you’re home. You look pale. Is something wrong?” her former brother-by-mating asked, coming closer. “Why don’t you come in?”
Horror and longing washed over her at once. A part of her would have loved to be inside the space she’d once shared with Lucan to soak in the memories of him. And what would Lucan say if he found her inside, especially if he brought his surrogate here for the night?
She shook her head furiously. “No. Thank you.”
“It will always be your home, too. Sydney and I can go…”
“Stay.” The word fell numbly from her lips.
Lucan needed his brother. Sabelle had told her about his mate mourning and the stabilizing influence Caden had been after Lucan almost lost his soul and sanity. Anka hated that she’d been the cause of so much of her former mate’s pain. She hated even more that she’d added to it by being with Shock.
But now, it was too late.
“Come in and let Sydney make you some tea,” Caden insisted. “You really do look pale.”
“I-I’ll be fine. Thank you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude…” She felt the magic surrounding the house. Lucan hadn’t blocked her from going inside. Caden had added his magic, also recognizing her as mistress here. Why? They couldn’t possibly want her here now.
She backed away. “Please don’t tell him I was here. He’s healing finally. Moving on.”
“Anka, don’t go.” Caden’s face hardened. “Lucan isn’t over you. He never will be.”
The man she’d seen smiling at the pub? He looked more than a bit happy. She couldn’t disrupt that. His anger earlier that day? Well, Shock had always brought out his worst. Besides, what did she have to offer him now? Scars, secrets, nightmares, a whole new need he wouldn’t be able to comprehend. He’d been fond of the china doll he’d married. Perfectly feminine, always sweet, playing just the right role in his life. Genteel and mannered, never raising her voice. Never angry. She couldn’t be that girl anymore.
The woman in her knew better now.
“I have to go. This was a mistake. I’m sorry.” Anka swallowed and darted outside the little picket fence surrounding the yard, ready to teleport to Shock’s.
As she dipped into the shadows under a huge elm tree, Lucan and his surrogate suddenly appeared on the front steps, his arm slung around her small waist, hand curled around the woman’s hip. Anka couldn’t breathe again. God, that sight hurt so badly, like everything inside of her was bleeding out. She wrapped her arms around herself to stop the hemorrhaging, but nothing could curb the steady flow of anguish.
Caden flicked a glance over his brother’s shoulder at her, then whispered in Lucan’s ear. Quickly, Lucan spun around. For an electric moment, their eyes met. Then he shoved away from the brunette, running down the stairs toward Anka.
Why? Probably because she’d ruined his evening. Even if he thought he wanted her back, she could never again be what he needed. He was better off with the lovely surrogate. And maybe…someday he’d find love again. It hurt deeply to think of him content and mated to another. But she would always love him. She wanted his happiness above all else.
As he made his way through the little gate and headed for the tree under which she’d taken shelter, she wrenched her gaze from his and teleported back to Shock’s house.
Anka held in a sob as she stumbled inside. She couldn’t keep torturing herself with thoughts of how Lucan would spend his night. How he probably spent most nights. She had to move past the heartache, let him live in peace so she could be the woman who rose from the ashes of her own tragedy to fight for what she wanted more than anything—Mathias’s destruction.
To start that, she had to find Shock.
Now inside the little house, she felt his presence immediately. She prowled down the pokey hallway, to the bedroom they shared. The mattress squatting on the floor took up most of the room, white rumpled sheets contrasting with the dark hardwood floors. He stood just outside the wardrobe, leather jacket in hand, which told her he’d been here mere seconds. He wore no shirt, leaving every bulge and ridge of his heavily-muscled torso on display. He took up all the space and air in the room.
When Shock caught sight of her, he flipped off his sunglasses and tossed them on a little bedside table and pinned her with a probing stare. As she did whenever she saw his unusual eyes, she steeled herself.
He marched across the room. “I know you left Bram’s over an hour ago. Where the fuck have you been?”
Anka didn’t answer. He’d discover for himself. When he was sober and wanted to know, she had zero means of hiding from him. His psychic abilities were stronger than any she’d ever encountered.
Shock gripped her arm. Barely a moment later, thunder overtook his face. He snatched his grip back with a hiss and shook his head. “You saw that wanker kissing another woman and still went to his house? Are you trying to torture yourself?”
He yanked her against his body, plastering her against the searing heat of his chest. Instinctively, Anka grabbed onto him, her fingers at his lean waist, brushing the ridges of his abdomen.
“I-I didn’t mean…” To go there. But Shock wouldn’t care.
“To chase that prick to his house? That barmy fuck who couldn’t save you from Mathias? The one who didn’t fight to bring you back to the home you’d known for over a century? Anka…” He fisted her curls gently in his hands and eased her head back until she looked into his eyes. “You know you can’t be what he wants anymore. You are no longer that woman.”
God, she knew. Did he have to throw it in her face?
“If that’s what it takes to bring you some peace with your life now, yes. I accept you as you are. I won’t make you pretend to be someone you’re not. What would the high and mighty Lucan MacTavish do with you now? Dress you again in fine silks for his pointless Privileged parties, then take you home for polite sex?”
She wanted to push Shock’s words back at him. But too much of what he’d said was true.
“What then? Will he look the other way when Mathias knocks on your door again?” He thrust his fingers deeper into her hair and clung. “You can’t let Lucan hurt you again, little one.”
She hadn’t grown up Deprived, the lower rank of magickind’s society, as Shock had. She had grown up a member of the supposed Privileged class, but she hung onto that classification by her fingernails. Her family had lost all connections, power, and influence in the past few centuries. No member of their family had ever been influential enough to sit on the magical Council. Regardless, her parents hadn’t approved of her childhood friendship with the elder Denzell boy, Shock. But that had been okay. They understood one another after she’d discovered his secret. To gain his trust and make him feel safe, she’d told him hers. They’d been nearly inseparable for decades, and she hadn’t been surprised when he Called to her.
Then Lucan MacTavish had looked her way, pinning her with his hot blue gaze that had seared all the way down to her soul. In that moment, the air had stopped. Her heart stuttered. He was the most beautiful man she’d ever met. And he, the nephew of a Council member, wanted her. A man so privileged, the scent of it oozed from his pores. With his deep voice and wry smile, he’d quickly charmed her out of a kiss.
She’d fallen in love the second his lips hungrily covered hers.
“Oh, stop mooning,” Shock grumbled. “Or get to the part of your memories where the fucker leaves you alone in your house without special protection so Mathias can abduct and violate you. Get to the part where he loses his fucking mind instead of coming to your rescue. Where, when he finally sees you, he lets you go with barely a token protest, then brings a surrogate to the bed you once shared.”
Anka shoved her face in her hands, wishing she could block out his words. “Shut up!”
“Fuck no. I’m not going to watch you turn yourself inside out for the prat who tried to mold you into his ideal woman, then didn’t bother to be your hero when you needed him.”
Anka wanted to refute him, but nothing Shock said was wrong…at least not totally. After she and Lucan had mated, she’d taken his cue on everything. How to dress, how to behave, how to socialize. She’d done everything to be the sort of mate who made him proud. She’d never wanted him to regret her less-than-perfect bloodline. One year had slipped into decades, then into a century. She barely remembered what it was like to live a life where she wasn’t striving to please Lucan.
Then Mathias had taken her. Afterward, she’d felt so stricken, so dirty and guilty and tainted, she’d barely been able to face her former mate, but she’d forced herself to do it so she could perform the helbresele spell and heal his mate mourning. Once done, the ease with which he’d let her walk away…she had to wonder if he was secretly relieved to be rid of the barely Privileged woman he’d shared his home and life with.
“Of course he is,” Shock cut in. “For fuck’s sake, if I’d been in Lucan’s position, I would have burned down the world until I found you. I would have killed anyone stupid enough to stand in my way.”
That wasn’t idle talk from Shock. He would burn down the world for anything he believed was important, and over the last few months he’d proven over and over that he would do whatever necessary to protect and care for her.
“That’s right.” He wrapped his arms around her more tightly. “And what did Lucan do?”
According to Sabelle, he lost his mind.
None of it was important now. She couldn’t keep glancing over her shoulder and eyeing her past. She had to look ahead.
“That’s not what I want to talk about, Shock.”
He peered at her with those unusual eyes, dissecting, digging into her thoughts. Anka let him. There’d be no keeping him out anyway.
“Oh, fuck no! You are not fighting Mathias.”
She’d known that would be his reaction. “I don’t need your permission. You’re not my mate.”
It was a low blow, and she regretted the words as soon as she spoke them. Face tight with anger, he grabbed her. Then her remorse seeped into him. His face softened. “A few words will fix that, Anka. Speak the Binding to me. I’ve waited over a century for you.”
Anka closed her eyes as guilt slid through her. “I’m not ready to belong to anyone now, and I won’t give you the power to stop me from fighting. I need this. Please understand.”
Shock swore and pushed away. “Then why the fuck are you here?”
She hesitated, almost hating to say it. Her request sounded so selfish, but she couldn’t afford to hold back. “I want you…in that way.” She nodded to the restraints sticking up from all corners of the bed, waiting for her wrists and ankles. For that crop he’d tucked under the mattress. “Please.”
“Why?” he challenged.
Anka knew his expectation. If she wanted him to force her to accept pleasure without the crushing guilt, then she had to play his game. Quickly, she stripped off her skirt, blouse, knickers, and bra. She left on her thigh highs and shoes, then dropped to her knees, staring at him with big, pleading eyes, tears pooling in them. “I need you.”
“Fuck,” he swore almost under his breath. But his fingers slid into her hair, grabbing a fistful at the crown and tugging, forcing her gaze to remain on him. “You’re bottled up, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” The word trembled from her lips. “I’m on my knees. I’m begging.”
He stared down at her, and she trembled with the jumble of anticipation, sadness, shame, and anger all roiling inside her. No doubt, he could feel every one of her emotions. So many were attached to Lucan, and she pushed thoughts of him aside. Tonight had nothing to do with him. He had his surrogate now. She needed this for her, to unravel her feelings, to scrub herself raw of the disgrace. For the energy.
“That’s right. He has nothing to do with this, Anka. It’s fucking rubbish, me shoving my cock inside you, pounding at you, yet hearing your thoughts revolve around how much you miss that wanker and how guilty you feel for fucking me. Not tonight. One thought of him, and it all stops. Are we clear?”