I was no Light Bearer.
“Don’t look so disappointed,” Nox said. “I went through an amazing amount of trouble to make Balen pay for what he did to me, and to find you. You were born at just the right moment, and everything fell into place so much better than I could’ve imagined. That little foretelling brought you both here to me.”
The food turned sour in my gut. I pushed my plate away. “That little foretelling,” I ground out, shoving my chair back and standing abruptly, “gave hope to Innis Fail.”
He set his cup on the table and rose. “Innis Fail can rot. Don’t expect me to feel sorry for them, Deira. They’ve lived in wealth and warmth and daylight for as long as I can remember.” He slammed his palms down on the table. “It is my turn.”
Angry beyond caring, I placed my hands on the table and leaned in close. “Then take your turn in the Light and get someone else to rule the House of Annwn. You can do that without destroying an entire world.”
His eyes narrowed, and I felt the distinct gathering of energy in the room. He leaned in as well, his pale eyes as cold and harsh as the snows that blanketed the island of Murias. “And who would want Annwn? Who would agree to take a turn ruling the dead? Balen? Your grandfather? Mael? No one. They’ll fight to the death not to rule what I’ve had to rule for millennia.”
“You must set Balen free.”
His look turned menacing. “The last one to order me about had his eyes plucked out by the ravens.”
“A far better fate than living with you,” I shot back.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood. Nox’s pale eyes clouded over in hard, gray silver. Dead and blank. I stepped away from the table as he straightened, shocked at my outbursts.
To my horror, his body burst into a swirl of energy that shot across the table and shoved me against the wall before becoming solid again. My pulse thudded hard and fast. His body pinned me to the wall.
His hard glare penetrated my soul and sent a cold wave of anguish through me. I cried out, the loneliness of it too much to bear, the raw hopelessness and darkness, like the Void itself. Nothing but blackness. Emptiness.
“That is what I feel every day,” he forced through gritted teeth. “That is what lives inside me.”
I couldn’t breathe, stuck in the darkness and nothingness. I wanted out.
“That is just the barest hint of what I endure. Do you condemn me for wanting respite from it?”
My chest heaved, and my lungs strained for air. He pressed so hard against me, that I didn’t fall when my knees buckled. Tears sprang to my eyes.
His fingers dug into my arms, his voice demanding an answer. “Do you?”
“No,” I choked out, crying. “No. I don’t.”
He eased his hold, let out a heavy sigh and then rested his forehead against mine. “I was going mad in the Deadlands. I’m losing myself in the darkness.” He drew back to look at me, his voice raw. “I need to be free. I need light too.”
Those words broke me, confused me. I wanted to comfort him. How I could feel that way? Hurt for him? But I’d felt the darkness he lived with and I knew I’d do anything not to have that inside of me. No one should have to exist with that terrible cold, nothingness. Not even Nox of Annwn. I understood why he wanted out. I understood his hurt.
With a few devastating words, he’d obliterated the shield I’d built around myself. I no longer felt I had the will to fight, to stand against all this confusion and pain. I just wanted it to end, to give in.
Time stretched.
His body pressed tightly against mine, I heard the soft sound of his breathing and smelled his skin, as though he’d just come in from the snow and ice.
The air changed, becoming still and tense, waiting. He sensed it too. The eerie silver was gone from his eyes. His hand cupped my cheek, the thumb rubbing first my skin and then my bottom lip. His gaze snagged there and held.
My pulse leapt. His hips, his thighs, his stomach were flattened against me. There was no retreat. Guilt rose with desire. I blinked hard, confused by my thoughts and wild reactions. Nox of Annwn had tempted me with his voice, his invasion in my mind. He’d awakened a part of me I didn’t want to admit was there; a sensual creature, a dark creature, one who’d found, in him, someone similar.
Balen was a champion, good and honorable and valiant. Nox was shunned to darkness and death. Where did I fit in? Where did I, with my dark powers, belong? Did I even deserve someone like Balen ?
Part of me wanted Nox to erase the memory of the blackness, to make me feel alive and warm. My lips tingled. I licked them. His eyes went molten silver. He lowered his head.
The moment our lips touched, an explosion of need ripped through me and tears slipped from my eyes. He kissed me hard and deep and long. His hand found my breast and kneaded. I wore nothing under the sheer gown. My skin became highly sensitive and an ache formed between my legs. I wanted him to touch me, everywhere all at once. He gathered up my gown. The cool air hit my thighs, jolting me from the extreme haze of lust. I had to stop.
What was I doing? I couldn’t do this.
But he moved back as I started to tell him.
He dropped my gown. His hands trembled as he placed them flat on the wall on either side of my head. Our loud ragged breathing was the only sound in the room. “Not while you cry,” he whispered in a raw voice, more to himself than to me. “Not while he lives.”
He stepped back, scrubbing a hand down his face. “Go.” I didn’t move and his voice turned cold and lethal. “Go now, Deira. Before I fuck you against the wall.”
I jerked, struck by his vulgarity. I knew it was meant to shock me, to scare me, to make me leave. And it worked. I pushed away from the wall and ran, not stopping until I was back in my chamber where I slid against the closed door, pulled my knees into my chest, and cried.
CHAPTER 23
Shame and guilt hounded me for the remainder of the night. I curled up on the rug by the door, sleeping intermittently. During the waking hours, I came to several conclusions about my behavior only to strike them out and start all over again.
I was lost. I had no previous experience to help me deal with the feelings I had for Balen and Nox. All of it was new territory I’d have to waddle through one way or another. I wished my mother was with me, wished I’d had some education, some guidance on the affairs of the heart and body.
It seemed so impossible, and yet… My heart ached for both of them. I hated myself for it. And I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if my reactions were solely my own or if Nox had used his power to heighten my awareness and senses. I was caught in the middle of their war while an entire world and civilization was dying.
I thought of Balen chained to the stone, cold and alone in the fog of a past he’d created.
I thought of Nox and the suffering he’d had to endure in the bleak, hollow darkness he’d been relegated to rule.
Rising from the rug, I removed my gown, bathed quickly in the pool, and then donned a clean tunic, leggings, shoes, and a cloak. A dull ache pulsed in my head. I closed my eyes and pressed my palms against them to ease the dryness. I was spent. But it didn’t matter; I had to press on. Had to do what I came here to do.
That was one thing I wasn’t confused about.
The hallway was empty as I made my way toward the stairs I’d seen earlier. They curved around and took me down to the first floor where I found the inner courtyard.
Dawn had not yet broke. The birds slept. Dew covered the stones. It was so still, like walking through a painted landscape. There was no sunlight breaking through the clouds, yet a radiant glow surrounded the tree as though it existed in perpetual summer.
Seeing it there made me think of life, of happiness, of summer, and of all the living things that depended upon and thrived in the light. The tree represented life. I felt honored to step into the ring of grass and into its soft yellow light of the Lia Fail.
I closed my eyes and embraced it, envisioning being filled with all things good and right, all things wondrous and hopeful. Light must be returned to our dying world. Balen was right. It was all that mattered. Drawing in a deep breath, I moved closer and placed my palm on the rough bark.
And then I was sucked into the Light.
Images flashed before my eyes. The Old War. The Lia Fail, a black cloth thrown over the stone where it resided. I saw it being taken from its tower on the highest peak in Innis Fail, Bren Cara. I saw it shatter, hacked by a man who tried to divide it and use it, but to no avail. I saw it being set into a pillar stone. I saw Nox standing before the stone and calling the pieces together again and then burying them in the ground where the shoot of a tiny tree sprang.
I stumbled back, coming out of the visions.
A sense of fulfillment came over me as my mind snapped back into focus. One of the round fruits hung nearby, golden and full. Compelled, I picked it. It was heavy and smooth. I bit down, the sweet, tangy insides reminding me of an apple but the flavors more vivid. I ate until I reached the seeds, saving them in my pocket.
Adrenaline coursed through my body like lightning beneath my skin. I glanced around. It was still quiet. I picked another fruit and ran across the garden to the entrance that led inside of the hill and then out into the battlefield from the past.
It was odd I hadn’t been discovered, but I didn’t question it. I just ran.
The mist blanketed the field. I wasn’t daunted. Energy surged through me, bolstering my courage and hope. I felt like I could run forever. But I didn’t need to. The shadow of the pillar stone lurked in the mist, a mist that parted as I drew near.
Nox turned around to face me as I staggered to a stop, my heart giving a hard, desperate thud.
Dread dropped like a heavy stone into my stomach. My hopes were lost.
He didn’t seem surprised, as though he’d known all along that I’d betray him just as everyone else had. I didn’t want to reaffirm that belief, to be that person, but I had to.
“You’re just in time,” he said, grimly, the pale gray of his eyes swirling like a frothy sea.
“I can’t let our world die, Nox. Surely you must understand.”