She turned to leave.
“Wait.” I shot up from my chair. “I need to see him, Rae. Are you going to meet him?”
“No. I don’t know where he is tonight.”
I narrowed my eyes on her back as she walked out. Rae was lying. She never lied.
Grabbing my own purse and keys, I hurried after her at a discreet distance. I followed her and felt nervous anticipation when I saw her head inside the Walk. Cole was there. I’d bet everything I had on it.
The pub was pretty crowded. It always was on a Saturday evening. I pushed past people standing around the bar near the door and craned my neck as I struggled out of the small crowd to the main floor. Every table was filled.
I caught sight of Rae winding her way through the tables, and my gaze zeroed past her.
That sick feeling in my stomach intensified.
Cole was sitting with the twins and Karen, a pint of lager in hand. He had other company too. A pretty blond woman was sitting with her thigh pressed against his, and Cole had his head bent so she could whisper in his ear.
My cheeks grew hot, my skin prickling.
Letting the burn of jealousy rush through me and flare out, I took a deep breath. Cole would never cheat. I knew that. I knew that the picture in front of me was innocent.
But I’d spent the whole week agonizing over our relationship and feeling guilty, and he’d spent the whole week avoiding me. Now he was allowing some woman to chat him up.
I felt the prickle of tears in my eyes.
I couldn’t handle this. Not with everything else that was going on. I needed coolheaded Cole back, because hurt, hotheaded Cole was tapping in to all the insecurities I’d been fighting the last few months.
On that thought I whirled around and started pushing back through the crowds. I was almost at the door when something stopped me.
This wasn’t like Cole.
This wasn’t like him at all.
Hadn’t that been my mantra this whole week?
I sucked in a breath and spun around.
There was something more going on here that I didn’t understand.
Praying I wasn’t acting like a too-trusting lovesick fool, I forced my way back through a now-annoyed crowd. The blonde remained, but Cole’s attention was on Rae. He was frowning at whatever she had to say.
That was when he seemed to feel my gaze.
Ignoring the raging swarm of angry nerves in my stomach, I wound my way through the tables while Cole broodily watched me approach. When I came to a stop the twins and Karen said hello. I gave them a distracted nod.
Cole and I stared at each other and the longer we did, the deeper I felt the wound of his avoidance. I’d missed him so much. A whole week without him had felt like forever. It had been painful and frankly unnecessary. I was mad at him as much as he was mad at me and I couldn’t hide it. I flicked a hand to the blonde. “Why?”
He frowned. “We’re just talking.”
“But why are you talking to her and not to me? Why haven’t you answered my calls? Why did you leave? Why can’t we be grown-ups and discuss last Saturday?”
“Not here,” Cole said softly.
“I don’t care,” I snapped, and I didn’t care if we had an audience. “This isn’t you. I came in here, after one of the most awful weeks of my life, and I could have just walked back out again . . . but this isn’t you. I don’t understand what’s going on with you.”
The stark hurt in his eyes made me gasp. “You don’t understand?” He stood up abruptly, slamming his pint on the table. “You don’t understand I’m upset you’re packing your shit and taking off for Glasgow to be with that f**king family—choosing them over us? You don’t understand that might upset me?”
The people around us stopped talking.
I didn’t care. I was too confused to care. “What the heck are you talking about?”
“Rae told me.” He raked his eyes over me, seeming to flinch in pain at the sight of me. “Just go, Shannon. All these months trying to get you to trust me . . . what a waste of my time.”
“I do trust you.” I pushed him—hard—and he stumbled back against the bench seat in surprise. “That’s why I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Now, what the heck”—I threw a glare at Rae—“did she say?”
“I told him the truth.” She returned my glower. “That you’re leaving us. You were packing last weekend. Or you were before you failed with your dad today.”
“You silly cow,” I hissed, not sure if I was calling myself that or Rae. My gaze swung back to Cole. Now I was pissed. “I was packing my stuff because you said you were going to ask me to move in with you. I was under the impression once you cooled down and realized I was sorry that the offer would still be open.”
Cole blinked, stunned.
I shook my head in exasperation. “It’s you and me. This.” I gestured between us. “This is how we started out and this probably won’t be the last time we have an argument. I have a tendency to think out loud, and sometimes my thought process involves really crap ideas before I get to the good ones. That’s what happened last week. You blew up and I get why, but I never believed we’d stay mad at each other or broken up.” I took a step toward him. I was relieved to see his expression soften. “I trust you, Cole. I trust you because I know you. I love you because I know you. All this time we’ve talked about my trust issues and never about yours. Clearly this proves you have them.” I braced. “So decide, Cole . . . Do you trust me?”
“I don’t know.” His eyes flared at the sound of my hurt gasp and he leaned into me. “You know,” he said, voice low with emotion. “You know everything. You know how she made me feel my whole life, and still you sat there and suggested putting me to one side so you could work on me gaining your family’s approval. She was unworthy of me and still she made me feel like nothing, like I had something to prove. They’re unworthy of you and still somehow you made me feel like the nothing, like I have something to prove. You, of all people.”
“No,” I pleaded, tears blurring my vision. “I never meant for you to feel that way. Not ever again.”
“But I did. And I don’t know what that means for us.”
* * *
“You look like hell.”
I lifted my gaze to meet Logan’s and he winced at whatever he saw in my eyes.
“What happened?”
I ran a trembling hand through my hair. “I’ve messed up. Again.”
“Messed up how?”
“I wanted to make this right for you.” Feeling the burn of tears in the backs of my eyes, I fought them. I was sick of crying. It felt like I’d spent the last four nights crying. “You wanted our family back, and I wanted to give that to you. I owe you that. But I don’t think I can, Logan.” I shook my head, anger stinging in my blood. “They gave me an ultimatum. Them or Cole. Them? They’ve never once asked me how I’ve coped with Ollie’s attack. Not once. They act like I was asking for it or something.”
Logan’s violet eyes darkened with anger and I knew it wasn’t directed at me. I knew because the anger mingled with disappointment. I’d seen that look on his face many times over the years when he was thinking about our parents.
I took a shuddering breath. “Because I hesitated I’ve lost the only guy who’s ever really loved me.” Losing the battle with my tears, I swiped at them in frustration, unable to meet Logan’s gaze. “Cole broke up with me because of them.”
“Shay, I don’t understand . . .”
So I told him everything.
“I was happy, Logan,” I concluded. “I felt guilty for being happy while you’re in here and I wanted to do something for you, but I can’t do this. I’ve screwed it up with you, with them, and with Cole.” I tugged on my hair. “Ugh, maybe it’s not unsalvageable. I mean Cole’s gone, so Mum, Dad, and Amanda will accept me back into their lives. Maybe we can be a family again.” I’ll just bury my resentment.
“Shannon.” Logan grabbed for my hand and my full attention. Concern was written all over his face. “You’re looking and acting like you haven’t slept in days.”
I pulled gently on his hand. “I’ve only ever had two people in my life that I adore . . . and I’ve hurt them both. I put you in prison and I broke Cole’s heart.” I swatted at my tears. “And I can’t stop crying. It’s ridiculous. Even Rae’s being nice to me. That’s when you know you’re pathetic.” I shrugged. “Stu’s probably going to fire me anyway. The atmosphere between me and Cole at work is horrendous and Stu warned me he’d get rid of me if I was causing problems wi—”
“Can you please shut up for two minutes?” Logan interrupted, scowling at me. “One: I’m not going to repeat this again. You did not put me here. I put me here. Two: Shannon, I would never have asked you to do anything that would make you unhappy to make them happy. As long as you and I are good, what does it matter?”
“But you said—”
“You didn’t have to take it so much to heart. I didn’t realize how guilty you’ve been feeling. I mean, I knew you felt guilty for some f**ked-up reason, but I didn’t realize it was this deep-seated. Sweetheart.” He shook his head. “You’ve got to let that go.”
I was silent. There was no point replying, because I couldn’t give him the assurance he was looking for. I felt remorseful. That feeling wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
“As to Cole . . . I’ve never seen you this bad before. I’d never seen you as happy as I had last time either, so I can tell this guy is different. Forget everyone else, Shannon. Go back to Edinburgh and make it right with him. And when you do, come back here and let me thank the guy who’s been taking care of my wee sister while I can’t.”
I smiled tremulously. “Were you always this awesome?”
Deadpan, he said, “Wise since birth, wee ane. Wise since birth.”
I laughed softly and then stopped at a sudden, terrible thought. “He’s not going to take me back. I don’t know how to make him see how much he means to me.”
Logan winked. “Go big . . . or go home.”
CHAPTER 26
T he Georgian town house on Dublin Street was stunning. Beyond stunning. I couldn’t stop gawping at the gleaming dark hardwood floors and the expensive but simple furnishings.
The gorgeous property belonged to Joss and Braden and was currently filled with the couple’s closest friends and family, who were there to celebrate the birth of baby Jarrod. I’d gate-crashed and was incredibly worried I was about to vomit all over their hardwood floors.
Joss didn’t seem too concerned I’d gate-crashed. In fact, she got this almost satisfied sparkle in her gaze when she opened her front door and found me on the stoop.
“I’m here to go big or go home,” I said without preamble.
She grinned and stepped aside. “Then by all means come in.”
The noise from the sitting room jolted me as I followed the hostess into it. Light streamed in from the huge floor-to-ceiling windows situated on opposite ends of the long room. Nate, Liv, Mick, and his wife, Dee, were chatting to Cole and Cam, who was holding Belle in his arms by the old Georgian fireplace. Dylan led Elodie across the room toward Luke, William, and Bray, who were huddled around toys on the floor. Clark, Declan, and Marco stood laughing by the nearest window at whatever Braden was telling them, while Jo sat perched on the armchair Ellie was sitting on as they ate finger food. Squeals of laughter sounded from the back of the room where Beth, Lily, and January were watching a Disney movie on the large television. Beth had little Sophia in her arms.
As if he sensed me, Cole glanced over. He stiffened at the sight of me and I braced myself. A hush fell over the room as the adults noted my presence.
“Cole, Shannon is here to see you.” Joss stared him down on my behalf until his feet started moving toward me.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, appearing a little shell-shocked to see me.
The dark circles that had been under his eyes all week hadn’t gone anywhere and his usual scruff was turning into a beard. It was selfish of me, but I was relieved he wasn’t dealing well with our separation either.
I licked my dry lips, glancing around at everyone staring at us. Finally I looked up into Cole’s handsome face. “I’m here because I love you, and I need to ask you something.” I took a deep breath. It was time to go big.
I lowered myself to one knee.
Cole’s eyes grew round and I heard a few female gasps behind him. “Shannon, what—”
“Cole Walker, I once told you in fear that you were nothing, but there has never been a day of your life that that was true and there has never been a day I’ve ever really thought that. You’ve been extraordinary to me since we were fifteen.” I smiled shakily, feeling vulnerable and frightened but hopeful too as he stared down at me with growing tenderness in his expression. “Apart from Logan I’ve never had a real family. The kind you can count on through everything. The kind that gives you second, third, fourth chances because the other option is no option at all. Because they love you and they’re there for you. Unconditionally. Logan was the only one who ever gave me that. Until you. You’re my family, Cole. I want you to be my family forever.” I laughed hoarsely. “I don’t have a ring or anything. I just have me. And I know I’m not perfect and I know you deserve perfect . . . but I love you more than anyone else in this world and I promise you I’ll never let you forget that again.” My heart slowed its rapid beating as a sense of calm came over me. A sense of rightness. It was as if I’d found the balance I’d been missing ever since I got in that car and left Cole behind on that stoop on Scotland Street all those years ago. “It’s always been you, and I always want it to be . . . Marry me, Cole.”