‘Just like old times,’ said Shurq. ‘Barring the awkward pauses, the absurd opulence, and the weight of an entire kingdom pressing down upon us. Remind me to decline the next invitation.’
‘Longing for a swaying deck under your feet?’ Tehol asked. ‘Oh, how I miss the sea-’
‘How can you miss what you’ve never experienced?’
‘Well, good point. I should have been more precise. I miss the false memory of missing a life on the sea. It was, at the risk of being coarse, my gesture of empathy.’
‘I don’t really think the captain’s longings should be the subject of conversation, husband,’ Queen Janath said, mostly under her breath.
Shurq heard her none the less. ‘Highness, this night has made it grossly obvious that you hold to an unreasonable prejudice against the dead. If I was still alive I’d be offended.’
‘No you wouldn’t.’
‘In a gesture of empathy, indeed I would!’
‘Well, I do apologize,’ said the Queen. ‘I just find your, uh, excessively overt invitations to be somewhat off-putting-’
‘My excessively overt what ? It’s called make-up! And clothes!’
‘More like dressing the feast,’ murmured Janath.
Tehol and Bugg shared a wince.
Shurq Elalle smirked. ‘Jealousy does not become a queen-’
‘Jealousy? Are you mad?’
The volume of the exchange was escalating. ‘Yes, jealousy! I’m not getting any older and that fact alone-’
‘Not any older, true enough, just more and more… putrid.’
‘No less putrid than your unseemly bigotry! And all I need do by way of remedy is a bag full of fresh herbs!’
‘That’s what you think.’
‘Not a single man’s ever complained. I bet you can’t say the same.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Shurq Elalle then chose the most vicious reply of all. She said nothing. And took another delicate mouthful of wine.
Janath stared, and then turned on her husband.
Who flinched.
In a tight, low voice, Janath asked, ‘Dear husband, do I fail in pleasing you?’
‘Of course not!’
‘Am I the subject of private conversations between you and this-this creature?’
‘Private? You, her? Not at all!’
‘Oh, so what then is the subject of those conversations?’
‘No subject-’
‘Too busy to talk, then, is it? You two-’
‘What? No!’
‘Oh, there’s always time for a few explicit instructions. Naturally.’
‘I don’t-we don’t-’
‘This is insane,’ snapped Shurq Elalle. ‘When I can get a man like Ublala Pung why should I bother with Tehol here?’
The King vigorously nodded, and then frowned.
Janath narrowed her gaze on the undead captain. ‘Am I to understand that my husband is not good enough for you?’
Bugg clapped his hands and rose. ‘Think I’ll take a walk in the garden. By your leave, sire-’
‘No! Not for a moment! Not unless I can go with you!’
‘Don’t even think it,’ hissed Janath. ‘I’m defending your honour here!’
‘Bah!’ barked Shurq Elalle. ‘You’re defending your choice in men! That’s different.’
Tehol straightened, pushing his chair back and mustering the few remaining tatters of his dignity. ‘We can only conclude,’ he intoned loftily, ‘that nostalgic nights of reminiscences are best contemplated in the abstract-’
‘The figurative,’ suggested Bugg.
‘Rather than the literal, yes. Precisely. And now, my Chancellor and I will take the night air for a time. Court musicians-you! Over there! Wax up those instruments or whatever you have to do. Music! Something friendly!’
‘Forgiving.’
‘And forgiving!’
‘Pacifying.’
‘Pacifying!’
‘But not patronizing-’
‘But not-All right, that will do, Bugg.’
‘Of course, sire.’
Shurq watched the two cowards flee the dining hall. Once the door had closed, and the dozen or so musicians had finally settled on the same song, the captain leaned back in her chair and contemplated the Queen for a moment, and then said, ‘So, what’s all this about?’
‘I had some guests last night, ones that I think you should meet.’
‘All right. In what capacity?’