“There’s nothing to say, Mark.”
“You’re the one who introduced me to this lifestyle.”
And Trey definitely regretted that now. He also felt like a hypocrite. He’d pushed Mark into accepting his sexuality, yet he’d hidden his own from Reagan. He should have known that it was the wrong way to handle it. If he’d have been on the other side, offering advice to a friend trying to hide who they were, he’d have told himself that he was being an idiot. That it wouldn’t work. Why had he thought he could make it work? Because he’d wanted her. He still wanted her. And he’d thought she would be enough. That it would work out.
“I just need some advice,” Mark said.
“On what?”
“How to win you back.”
Back? Mark had never had him in the first place.
Trey rubbed a hand over his face, closed the front door, and crossed the room to sit on the comfortable, overstuffed sofa. He knew he had to be careful with Mark’s feelings. Trey wasn’t sure how to get his point across without being cruel. “Mark…”
“Something’s bothering you,” Mark said. “You sound different. Sad.”
“A lot is bothering me.” He reached for the remote and turned on the TV. Background noise. He needed background noise.
“Tell me. You can tell me anything.”
“You shouldn’t call me anymore. You’re grasping at strings.”
“You don’t think I know that? I can’t help who I love.”
“And I can’t help who I don’t love.”
There was a long pause. “How did the tour go?” Mark asked, his voice falsely cheerful. “I saw a few of the shows. When I could get off work. I tried to get backstage to see you, but…”
“It’s nothing personal, Mark. No one was getting backstage. Can I ask you something?” Trey had to get his point across somehow.
“Of course.”
“How do you know when you’re in love?” Trey asked.
Mark hesitated so long that Trey checked his phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.
“Why?” he asked finally. “Are you in love with someone?”
“I think so. It’s just that I’ve loved Brian for so long that I’m not sure I can recognize it with someone else.”
“How does this person make you feel?”
Trey hesitated, not sure how to describe how he felt when he was with Reagan. “Like I’m truly alive for the first time in my life.”
“I feel that way too.”
Trey winced. As usual, Mark was hearing what he wanted to hear. That was why it was so hard to get rid of him. “I didn’t mean that I’m in love with you, Mark. I think I love Reagan.” And he’d told her, hadn’t he? Probably not the best thing to say to someone you were breaking up with. The sudden memory of her tear-streaked face squeezed his heart. He knew it was best that they parted ways. She could never accept the part of him that liked the feel of a hard body against his. The touch of a man. To be penetrated. Dominated. Fucked. He didn’t want to hurt her more than he had to. He couldn’t give up his attraction to men. He’d tried it. Maybe that made him a selfish bastard. Maybe he’d never find true love. Maybe he’d never be as happy as he’d been with her, but at least he’d be true to himself.
“She can’t give you everything you need,” Mark said. “Can I come over? I’ll give you what you need. Just hearing your voice makes me hard. Or if you want to top, you know I’ll let you.” Emotionally, Trey wasn’t ready for this, but physically he wanted it. His brain was telling him to hang up before he asked Mark to come over and keep him company, but his body craved the touch of a man. If he wasn’t careful, any man would do. To hell with feelings and consequences.
“Trey?” Mark questioned.
Trey flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling fan overhead. No matter how much he wanted someone to warm his bed, he couldn’t give in to that temptation. He knew he’d regret it. And Mark was the worst possible choice to appease his needs. Well, second worst. At least he hadn’t given in to Ethan. He was the one Trey really wanted, but that would have devastated Reagan. “Not a good idea.”
Mark cursed under his breath. “I hate that I’m so f**king addicted to you. Do you think I enjoy this?”
Trey produced a lopsided grinned. “You must. You keep coming back for more.”
“You can’t deny that you want me.”
“I enjoy sex with you, sure, but you open up an entire set of complications I’m not ready to deal with. I know what it feels like to be in love with someone who isn’t in love with you. I’ve lived that way for years.”
“Who said I was in love with you?” Mark said.
“I think it was you.”
“Are you telling me that if you had the chance to have sex with Brian, even though you knew he didn’t love you in return, you wouldn’t have taken it?”
“God, yes,” Trey gasped. “I would have taken anything that man wanted to give.”
“I feel the same way about you. You don’t have to love me. Let me come over and I’ll love you.”
“But then you’ll have hope that things will work out between us and they won’t.”
“Even though Brian never had sex with you all those years, didn’t you still have hope?”
Trey sighed in frustration and rolled onto his side and stared at the TV screen. “Yes, but—”
“But? No but, Trey.”
Trey chuckled. “Exactly. No, butt.”
“Own me,” he whispered. “Just in the bedroom. I promise I won’t be a bother to you, if you just own me in the bedroom.”
“I can’t right now, Mark. I need some time to get my head on straight. Why don’t you call Jacob? He’d love to keep you.”
“I don’t want Jacob. I want you. Don’t you want me? Am I undesirable? I don’t understand.”
“You know I’m attracted to you.”
“Then f**k me.”
What would it hurt to lose himself in mindless sex? He’d been doing it his entire life without a second thought. What had changed?
Reagan. Reagan had changed everything, and though something inside him would love to go back to the way he’d been before he met her, he knew that would never be enough for him now.
“I can’t, Mark. Okay? I just can’t. It really isn’t you. Find someone who deserves your love and attention. It isn’t me.”