Done for me?
What are you going to do to me?
Let’s talk about that!
My fingers itched for the pen but not to speak to him. To speak to No One. To ask my unknown, unseen friend what I should make of this new prison and master. Should I run? Should I kill? Should I do neither and submit instead?
The longer Elder kept me wrapped in safety, building my debt to him with every breath, the more I spiralled out of control. I’d lived with such fierce unbreakable boundaries for too long. I knew how to survive Alrik. I knew how to read him. I knew how to prepare for punishment. And I knew how to glue back my shattered pieces afterward. That was it. I didn’t know how to endure anyone else.
And why should I have to persevere with another?
I didn’t know how to be Pimlico in this new world. I had no idea who I’d end up becoming. How could I be something Elder wanted when I had no idea what that was?
Then don’t be Pim.
Be someone else.
But who?
I needed to become someone who could outlast, outsmart Elder Prest.
But I don’t know who he is!
Trembling began again. Swift and severe.
My body betrayed me as more and more confusion plaited with anger. I hated that I had a psychical reaction to Elder as he loomed over me, his hot breath fluttering my eyelashes, his demands crushing me.
“Write what it is that you want.” He took the pen, ripped the lid off, and grabbed my hand.
I didn’t flinch as he inserted the cool plastic between my fingers, making me grip it. “Write what you’re thinking. Write one fucking word, and that will be good enough for now.”
He stepped back.
I held the pen, but I didn’t attempt to obey.
Words flew from my head. Spelling no longer part of my education. The trembling grew and grew until my teeth chattered and bumped against my swollen tongue. The unfinished panic attack howled with fresh freedom.
I flinched as pain hit from sharp incisors followed by the faint taste of blood.
“Christ,” Elder hissed. “I’m not going to hurt you. How many times do I need to tell you that?”
That’s a lie.
You just admitted it!
I threw the pen down, steeling myself to look up at him. My teeth clamped again on my swollen tongue by accident. My gag reflex reacted as another wash of metallic made me grimace. A small trickle of blood escaped my cracked lips, staining my chin and splashing in accusation on the notepad.
He inhaled sharply, staring at the bright red droplet.
He wanted a reply?
He’d earned a reply.
In blood.
“Stand,” he barked.
I obeyed, pushing my chair back a little. Having his wrath finally unleashed was…not comforting but known.
This is what I’m used to.
I could handle his anger because I could predict what came next and could turn off my mind. Self-preservation kicked in, and soon, I’d be free. Soon, my soul would clamp down and vanish deep inside.
Thank God.
It was the thinking that was making me change.
The free time and questions making me worry.
This…I knew this.
Elder bristled, his hands curling into fists. “You think bleeding in my presence is appropriate? I’ve done all I can to stop you bleeding. Is that a slap in my fucking face, saying I’m not doing enough?” He prowled forward, his chest almost touching mine.
I sighed heavily as I gave into his power.
Down and down I swirled, blank safety beckoning.
I hated that I accepted his rage so much more easily than I ever could his kindness. That I went searching for his animosity because I would never trust his calmness.
Not looking up, I kept my eyes respectfully on his shoes. With my unbroken hand, I pushed off the black shoulder strap, followed by the other, and let the dress slither over my body until I stood naked before him.
The room howled with masculine rage as Elder whipped upright and took a staggering step back. “What the fuck are you doing?”
What I’ve been taught.
My mind had retreated to where it couldn’t be touched. Hidden and protected, finally at peace after chasing its own tail with endless questions.
My body was in charge now, and my body was a creature of habit.
Falling to my stiff and gristly knees, I bowed at his feet.
He’d stolen me.
He might as well start using me the way he intended. It was better for both of us to know our places so I could return to the shell I’d made my home.
I thought I was strong enough to return to the real world. I thought I wasn’t broken enough that if I ever found freedom I could walk from the shadows and laugh and speak and love like any normal person.
But I knew the truth now.
Elder’s strange care had made me come to terms with something I never believed was possible. I was broken. All my inner speeches of being so strong and merely biding my time.
They were fiction.
I’m a liar.
My head bowed harder, my hair spilling over my shoulder.
And still, Elder didn’t move.
The door opened behind me, footsteps shuffling with the aromatic scents of the second course.
Everything exploded.
“Get the fuck out!” Elder bellowed.
A plate smashed to the floor, followed by the thud of a rolling baked potato. Muttered apologies fell then the door clanged shut and silence once again reigned.
Elder took a step closer to me, his black boot nudging my naked knee.
I didn’t shrivel or back away. My mind had flown free, leaving whatever remained at his mercy.