“You don’t have to tell me that.”
“Something’s on your line.” I grabbed my rod and yanked it back, but the bobber resurfaced without tension in the line. When I reeled it back in, the bobber didn’t move.
“Shit, he was big. That was a large-mouth.” I tossed the rod onto the pier and picked up my drink. “Come on,” I said, standing up. Though the air was mild, the long day of direct sunlight had turned the surface of the pier as hot as summer concrete. It toasted the soles of my feet. “Let’s go inside. I’ll get you a beer.”
In swimming trunks, I ran up the pier toward the shore, leapt into the grass, and waited. Walter came along sluggishly, his usual pace. We walked together up through the yard, a narrow green slope rising from the shore to the house. I hadn’t mown the grass in two weeks, so it rose several inches above my ankles, a soft, dense carpet.
As we climbed the steps to the deck, I glanced into the woods on my right. I thought of the corpse buried out there, the one that had flung my life into this disarray. For a moment, I relived finding her—the smell, the fear, the rush of discovery.
Inside, I got Walter a bottle of beer out of the fridge and led him into the living room. Not quite as soused as I wanted to be, I mixed another Jack and Sun-Drop as he lay down on the sofa.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been over,” I said from the wet bar.
“Book tour wore you out, huh?”
“Just wasn’t in the mood to be in front of people constantly. To be on all the time.” After dropping several shards of ice into the glass and filling it half with citrus soda, half with bourbon, I stirred my drink, walked into the living room, and sat down in the tan leather chair across from Walter.
His eyes caught on Brown No. 2, looking down on us from above the fireplace in all its pretentious glory. He smirked, but the tension between us made him withhold comment.
“I know,” I said, “A real piece of shit. Loman. I’d like to kick that f**ker’s ass. Don’t know why I leave it up there. It’s not like it’s growing on me. Fact, I hate it more every day.”
“Deep down, he must’ve known he was a hack. Had to. Should’ve listened to me, man.”
“I know, I know.” I yawned. I’d be passing out when Walter left. “How’s the fam?”
“Ah. The obligatory inquiry. They’re fine. I’ve been trying to spend more time with them lately. Less at the magazine. I’ve actually gotta be at a school play in two hours. Thirty six-year-olds on a stage. Can you imagine?”
“What are they doing?”
“Mamet.” We laughed. We always laughed when we were together. “Poor thing—Jenna’s so nervous about it. She got into bed with Beth and me last night, crying. We fell asleep comforting her. Woke up in a puddle.”
“Ooh,” I shuddered. “The thrill of parenthood. I’d miss it for the world.”
“You serious?” Walter asked, kicking off his wing tips and balancing the bottle on his chest.
“Hell yeah. Everybody feels sorry for me when I tell them I don’t wanna get married or have kids. But it’s not like pathetic resignation. I just happen to know for a fact that there isn’t a single person out there I’d wanna wake up beside day in and day out. Except you, of course. I’d marry you, Walter. Seriously.”
He laughed kindly. “Karen did a number on you, but you won’t always feel bitter.”
“How the hell do you know how I’m always gonna feel?”
“’Cause it’s impossible for someone to go through life without repeatedly falling in love.”
How sad. He really thinks I want his life. He thinks I’m Gatsby to his Daisy. Maybe I am.
“I was in love with Karen,” I said, and a lump swelled in my throat, but I stifled it. “Where did that get me? So I loved her and thought I wanted to spend my life with her. For two years, I felt this way, and suddenly, she didn’t, and wanted nothing to do with me. Not even friendship. Said I was a phase. A f**king phase. That’s two years of my life wasted. I think about what I could’ve written during that time—fucking irks me.” I shook my head and sipped the soured citrus soda. “I’ll tell you—it’ll be a genuine miracle if I ever do get married, ’cause I’m not looking for it. I just don’t think it’ll happen, and after two years of Karen—hell, I’m fine with that. I make a great mate.”
“You bit into a bad apple, and now you think all apples taste that way, but they don’t,” he said with the swagger of someone who knows they’re right.
“Maybe some people just like the taste of rotten apples.” His face dropped. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being an ass**le. I’m just a little shit-faced right now.”
“Hey, people go through phases. Be glad you aren’t a full-time ass**le like Bill York.”
“That prick’s still your copyeditor?”
“Yep. He’s such a dick. He was giving me shit today for leaving early.”
“You run the magazine. Fire him.”
“If he wasn’t such a good editor, I’d have canned his ass a long time ago. But I don’t pay him to be a decent human being. Long as he keeps the text grammatically perfect, he can be the Prince of Darkness.”
“God, I admire your principle.” We laughed again. There was a brief period of silence, but because it followed laughter, it elapsed unstrained. Walter looked up at me from his beer.
“Andy,” he said, “wanna tell me what’s going on?”
I looked into Walter’s eyes, and I wanted to spill everything. The urge to tell another human being where I’d been and what I’d done was overwhelming.
“I just don’t know.”
“It has to do with that trip you took last May?”
I held my breath, thinking. “I guess you could say that.”
“Is it taxes?” he asked. “You in trouble with the IRS? That’s no shit.”
“Of course not.” I laughed.
“What can’t you trust me with?” His eyes narrowed, and I shrugged. “So talk to me.”
“You willing to chance prison, or your personal safety, to know what happened to me?”
He sat up and set his half-empty bottle on the floor. “I know you’d do it for me.”
My stomach contracted at the thought of the desert. I finished my drink and looked into his hazel eyes. His gray hair had grown out considerably since May. “You know I have a twin?”