He shifted his feet, leaning his back onto the locker, his blue gaze intense and unblinking. “You don’t kiss him.”
The smile slid off my face. Why is he pressing this? I straightened, ready to leave, but before I walked away, I found myself toying with telling him a secret. I never told anyone about this hidden part of me. Telling him this little bit of truth felt dangerous, like parading a mouse in front of a sleeping lion. And it gave me a sense of control that I was utterly lacking. Squirming slightly against the locker, I looked up to his jaw line. I felt the secret burning on my lips, as I uttered the words, “I don’t kiss guys who I really like. I never have. Okay?”
A single brow floated up on Collin’s face. His lips gave me a disbelieving smile, and I instantly regretted telling him. My defenses shot up as I scoffed, “Oh, stop it. It’s not that weird.” I pulled my books tighter to my body like they were a security blanket. My heart pummeled in my chest. I accidentally told him a much more personal secret than I’d intended. I could feel the burn rising in my cheeks as my embarrassment became visible.
“Ivy,” he said with a smirk on his lips, “of course it’s weird. You’ve kissed half the school, and there wasn’t one guy in that lot that you liked even a little bit?”
“That’s a grossly inflated number. And no. There wasn’t.” A coy smile came over me before I could wash it away. I could see how it would be weird for the girl who kiss almost anyone for over a year, to never kissed someone she truly liked. No one knew.
Collin’s features were totally serious. His voice was rich, asking softly, “Why? Why won’t you kiss him?” He was completely focused now, watching me, waiting for me to look up. I shouldn’t have said anything. My throat felt dry. I swallowed hard, not wanting to answer. How do I tell him this part? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him. I knew if I didn’t answer, he would press until I did. It would make it a much bigger deal than if I spit it out now. And as long as I didn’t touch him, he wouldn’t know the whole truth.
Acting like it wasn’t a big deal, even though it was a defining keystone to my ideal relationship, I spit out some words. “Because, I like him. And it doesn’t work both ways. Friends aren’t dates. There’s a relationship there that’s too precious to mess up with hormones. Maybe it’s stupid, but I don’t think it’s possible to have both.”
He leaned a little closer, intrigued. “Both what?” Our eyes were getting dangerously close to meeting.
“A friend who’s also a boyfriend. That stuff’s for fairytales, Collin. It doesn’t happen in real life.” The words were distant thoughts, lodged at the back of my mind for years, but their truth resonated with me as I said them. It wasn’t possible to have everything. That was a dream—an unattainable dream that silly people spent a lifetime to find out.
His response surprised me. “I can’t believe you said that.” Forgetting to avoid his eyes, I looked straight into the rich blue pools. I couldn’t look away. Don’t touch him, and you’ll be fine. Waves of emotions washed over me, but they were so jumbled that I couldn’t tell what it meant. “Ivy, that’s the ultimate goal when you’re playing the field—finding the person who gets you—someone who knows you, your faults, and likes you anyway. Why wouldn’t you want that? Why separate them?”
Things felt familiar, like they had gone back to the way it was before. Before everything got weird. Before my life was ripped out of my hands. I was content to revel in it for the moment, but his directness made my eyes sweep downward. I didn’t know if it was to avoid judgment, or to push him away. This was one of my precious secrets. He didn’t understand, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to. I finally answered, “Because they can’t co-exist. They just don’t. It’s not a matter of separating them. They don’t go together. There’s no such thing as true love.”
“Really?” he asked. I nodded. His voice sounded breathless, “Ivy, how did you get so cynical?” He tilted his head, sincerely asking, “So, tell me; why can’t you have both? Why can’t you have the guy who is your best friend, and your lover? Why can’t he be the same person?” His sapphire eyes searched my face, unafraid, waiting for me to answer.
I looked into his eyes, and suddenly it didn’t feel like we were talking about Eric anymore. My heart slid into my stomach. These were things I never told anyone. I wondered if I was making a mistake. I said, “I couldn’t risk it. It’s too reckless. Relationships are destroyed when a couple breaks up—even if they were friends. Sometimes it’s better to hold onto what you have, rather than risk what might be.” I felt so exposed, and normally that would terrify me, but with Collin, right then—it didn’t. It felt normal, and I didn’t want it to stop. He made me feel found, and I’d felt lost for so long.
A sad smile formed on his face. “But, Ivy, you risk losing everything you could gain if it worked out. It has to work out for someone, sometime. Why not you?” His eyes were so blue.
Shaking my head, my eyes remained locked with his. Courage and recklessness mingled together. What he was suggesting was not possible. “When has anything ever worked out like that for me?” I didn’t feel as bitter as it sounded, “It’s not in the cards for me, Collin. I’m content with things the way they are. I don’t get the fairytale. I’m the emotionally scarred girl with the cynical view of life, and I’m okay with that. I know who I am. I know what I get.”
He leaned on the locker facing me, moving even closer. He closed the gap so that our bodies were almost touching. His warm breath slid across my skin when he spoke, “Out of all people, I would have thought you’d be the one to hunt it down, and then hold onto it.”
My head jerked back a little bit, surprised at his words, “Why would you think that?” There was no way I would risk that. Not after losing my sister, and dealing with the agonizing pain that followed. I had no desire to love anyone, especially if I had a choice about it. Love only brought pain.