"Reah," Conner smiled at me and beckoned me forward. "I have arranged for you to see these. Remember, none can bring physical harm to you, now. There is no need to fear."
Connegar stood at my back, hands on my shoulders when the first one walked through the shimmer. I don't think he was allowed to walk farther than he did, and I was glad. Even so, I backed against Connegar as far as I could. Edan Desh, the one I'd known growing up, stood before me.
"Reah." He dropped to his knees and bowed his head to the ground. I had no idea what he was doing.
"Now you recognize?" Conner's voice was hard and her eyes were bright as stars.
"I am not worthy to apologize," Edan mumbled.
"Will you not explain to her?" Conner asked.
"It is too terrible. I was wrong. I have to try harder next time."
"He is punishing himself," Connegar said quietly behind me.
"How is he punishing himself?" I looked up at the tall Larentii.
"He is planning his next lifetimes. He will suffer during those lifetimes. The Edan that Kifirin brought back has already suffered and his misdeeds are wiped away."
"You are not obligated to forgive me," Edan still hadn't looked at me.
"Stand up," I said. Edan stood, his head still bowed.
"Look at me." He lifted his eyes. Terrible sorrow clouded their depths. "I wanted you to love me," I said. "I didn't know why you wouldn't. I worked hard in the kitchen, thinking you would notice and give a kind word or something."
"I know that, now. Children are so vulnerable. They are born needing love. I robbed you of that. Twice. I was selfish and thought of myself and what I wanted." I looked into Edan's hazel eyes. He was being honest for a change. When I was growing up in the kitchens of Desh's number two, he'd seldom been honest—with anyone, including, most likely, himself. All had suffered at his hands who worked under him, but I was the one whose bones were broken.
"If I could take it all back now, I would," he said. "And not just because it would make my future lives easier. My path did not lie through this meadow," he sighed. "It lay through a dark land filled with sharp rocks that I walked through with no shoes. I was forced to walk through it with no help, daughter."
"Then I am sorry for you," I said. "I know what pain is, and it gives me pain to see another suffer, even if they are not kind."
"I know." Edan hung his head again. "I am so sorry. I see many things, now. And the ones who teach me show me many things. Point out others still struggling through their lives. Ask me what path they should take. I am learning."
"Do they love you?" I asked.
"Yes. And I am not deserving in this stage of my existence."
"We all learn things," I said. "Or we should. I wish it were a good thing to see you, Edan, but I have terrible memories."
"I know. And I understand that. I wish I could offer comfort, but I am not allowed to touch."
"And I cannot trust, because you did what you did, and then others that came after you did the same. And I wish I could trust, Edan. That was a gift that was stripped away at a very early age."
"If I could give you a gift, what would you have of me?" Edan asked.
"Something you can't give," I said. "I will never have a father's love. Not as it should be. A father loves and protects his child, don't you think? Do you know what it was that I did in the life before this one, to deserve what happened to me? Do you know?" I was wiping tears away.
"I am not allowed to give information," he said. "Seeing you is like a flower drinking in rain after a drought. I wish I'd lived my life better, so I would see my grandson."
"I suppose you will see him in a way," I said. "You in another life will see him, but we don't talk much because he wears your face and the memories are too difficult to bear. We will never be close, I think."
"Yes. They said that to me."
"It is time. Is there anything else you wish to say to Reah before you go back?" Conner asked.
"I wish I could have loved," he said. "I could have done so much for you. Good-bye, Reah. I wish you well." I watched him turn and disappear in the shimmer, trying not to sob.
The next one to walk through was almost as bad. Addah Desh stood before me, and he wept. "I take it back, I take it back," he sobbed. "Tell all of them I'm sorry and I take it back."
"Take what back?" My tears were dripping onto the flowers, and they bloomed even brighter around me. Addah's tears sizzled on the ground.
"The jealousy. The mistrust. The hate. I take it back."
"I think they only wanted your love, Addah," I lifted the sleeve of my caftan and wiped tears. My cheeks and fingers were soaked.
"I know. And I let Marzi tell me what to do with you. She said to send you to Shirves and to Edan. I think she goaded him to beat you. It didn't take much, as it turned out."
"No, I think he took pleasure in it," I agreed. "My childhood was far from happy."
"Yes. It was a terrible time. I should have paid more attention. I only had one use for women. In my next life I will be female, Reah. And I will suffer. Will you take pleasure in that?"
"What do you think, Addah? You think I take pleasure in another's pain?"
He blinked at me. "No." His eyes dropped. "I see that you don't. Do any of them have love for me? Do they?"
"I don't know, Addah. They seldom speak of you."
"Are they poor now? The ones who teach me refuse to let me see them, since I treated them so badly."
"No. What you withheld, I gave back to them. All your recipes I recreated and the restaurants are thriving, now. Uncle Fes refuses to marry, I think. I believe he worries that he will mistreat a wife or wives as you did."
"You recreated all of it? You gave it back, for nothing?" Addah was trying to understand that.
"Stop looking at things from that perspective," a shining being stepped through the shimmer and took Addah's hand. "Come, we will discuss this." The being nodded to Conner and then to Connegar and me before leading Addah back inside.
"Marzi has not learned enough to come through," Conner sighed. "It will take a while for her. The next one is a gift, before she goes into the world again." My mother stepped through the curtain.
"Reah, you are so beautiful," she said and I wept again. She looked so much like Glinda, only she had green eyes, as I do. "I am sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I know you missed that when you were little."