It ended by Gordon's going, never to return. As I stood there at the
end and watched him drop out of sight over the brow of the hill, and
realized that I was free and alone and my own master well, Judy, such a
sense of joyous relief, of freedom, swept over me! I can't tell you;
I don't believe any happily married person could ever realize how
wonderfully, beautifully ALONE I felt. I wanted to throw my arms out and
embrace the whole waiting world that belonged suddenly to me. Oh, it
is such a relief to have it settled! I faced the truth the night of
the fire when I saw the old John Grier go, and realized that a new John
Grier would be built in its place and that I wouldn't be here to do it.
A horrible jealousy clutched at my heart. I couldn't give it up, and
during those agonizing moments while I thought we had lost our doctor,
I realized what his life meant, and how much more significant than
Gordon's. And I knew then that I couldn't desert him. I had to go on and
carry out all of the plans we made together.
I don't seem to be telling you anything but a mess of words, I am so
full of such a mess of crowding emotions. I want to talk and talk and
talk myself into coherence. But, anyway, I stood alone in the winter
twilight, and I took a deep breath of clear cold air, and I felt
beautifully, wonderfully, electrically free.
And then I ran and leaped and skipped down the hill and across the
pastures toward our iron confines, and I sang to myself. Oh, it was a
scandalous proceeding, when, according to all precedent, I should have
gone trailing home with a broken wing. I never gave one thought to
poor Gordon, who was carrying a broken, bruised, betrayed heart to the
railroad station.
As I entered the house I was greeted by the joyous clatter of the
children trooping to their supper. They were suddenly MINE, and lately,
as my doom became more and more imminent, they had seemed fading away
into little strangers. I seized the three nearest and hugged them hard.
I have suddenly found such new life and exuberance, I feel as though I
had been released from prison and were free. I feel,--oh, I'll stop,--I
just want you to know the truth. Don't show Jervis this letter, but tell
him what's in it in a decently subdued and mournful fashion.
It's midnight now, and I'm going to try to go to sleep. It's wonderful
not to be going to marry some one you don't want to marry. I'm glad of
all these children's needs, I'm glad of Helen Brooks, and, yes, of the
fire, and everything that has made me see clearly. There's never been a
divorce in my family, and they would have hated it.