I was close. I could taste it. Soon, I would be gone.
All that was left was Ethan.
I deliberated all week as I made the rest of my plans, blowing off our date nights under the pretext of work, and stress, and Mom. I didn’t want to lie to his face, but a part of me couldn’t bear the thought of letting him down.
He believed in me. Like nobody had before, he wanted to protect me, and love me, and keep me safe. The problem was, I didn’t want protecting. That girl he loved didn’t exist, not any more.
Maybe she never had.
Finally, after too many texts and missed calls, he dropped by unannounced and found me packing Mom’s things into her case.
‘We’re taking a trip,’ I told him brightly, ducking out of his embrace to go fetch my toiletries.
‘What? When?’ he blinked at me in surprise.
‘Tonight,’ I announced. Mom’s flight was early in the evening, I would drop her off, and then meet Oliver. It was all planned.
‘It’s last minute, but her cousin invited us, and I figured the change of scene would be good for her. I was going to come by later,’ I added, ‘and say a proper goodbye.’
The final one.
‘But I’ll miss you.’ Ethan stuck out his lower lip, all puppy-dog eyes.
‘I won’t be gone long,’ I lied, not wanting to get into it now. I needed to think of the perfect words to let him down with, but more than that, I wanted to be somewhere I could walk away when it was all done; not here, without an escape. ‘Just a week or so. You’ll survive.’
‘I could come with you.’ Ethan looped his thumbs into my pockets, keeping me in place. ‘Help you out with your mom.’
‘No, it’s fine,’ I replied quickly. ‘You have work, remember?’
Ethan sighed. ‘You’re leaving me all alone. Olly’s going away too.’
‘Oh yeah?’ I tried to sound disinterested. ‘I forgot.’
‘He’s going to stay with friends in New York, try and get a job.’ Ethan rolled his eyes.
‘Sounds fun,’ I murmured, but Ethan just scowled.
‘Probably just sponge of some other poor schmuck for a while.’
‘Hey,’ I scolded him, feeling a flare of defensiveness. ‘Don’t say that. Oliver pays his way.’
‘Sure, in flattery,’ Ethan muttered. ‘I’m getting sick of his games. I swear, Mom would sell the house out from under us and give him the cheque just to keep him happy.’
‘Don’t be jealous,’ I told him, fighting to keep my tone even. Ethan would never know what his brother had done for me. ‘It’s not cute.’
‘Aww, I’m sorry.’ Ethan smiled again, his hands on me, grabbing. ‘And I’m not jealous. How can I be, when I’ve got the one thing he hasn’t?’
His words sliced through me. I pulled back. ‘I don’t belong to you,’ I said, frowning at him. ‘Is that what you think?’
Ethan blinked. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. Just, you know. I’m yours. You’re mine.’ He kissed me, pulling me back against him until we were horizontal on my bed. I kissed him back, knowing it was a goodbye, wanting to give him something before I left him forever.
But it felt all wrong. A betrayal – but of Oliver this time.
‘I’ve missed you,’ Ethan grinned, slipping his hands up under my shirt. ‘It’s been too long.’
His hands slid against me, soft enough to send a shiver through me. I kissed him back, slow and sweet like he wanted, wrapping my legs around his waist, trailing my fingers over the ridge of his shoulders, dropping butterfly kisses on the sensitive parts of his neck. I tended to him, doing everything right, fighting that unease curled around my organs. He deserved this, I told myself, arching against him, but I couldn’t shake the sense of wrongness vibrating in every cell. Each touch felt like a promise I wouldn’t be keeping. Every kiss was a lie.
Ethan panted against me, sliding his hands across my stomach and lower still.
I recoiled from him, before I could stop myself.
Ethan looked at me with confusion.
‘I’m not feeling it,’ I apologized quickly, avoiding his gaze. ‘It’s, umm, that time of the month.’
‘It’s OK.’ Ethan stroked over my bare shoulder. ‘There’s still stuff we can do,’ he smiled, trailing his hand down over my breast.
I flinched back again. ‘I said, I’m not in the mood.’
‘But it’s been forever.’ Ethan’s voice was edged with complaint. ‘You’re always busy, or running late for class.’
I fought to keep my temper in check. I’d wanted this to be a good night, one last sweet memory for him. ‘I’m sorry, babe.’ I forced a smile. ‘I’ll make it up to you.’
‘I know one way you could do that . . . ’ Ethan gave me a suggestive smile. He took my hand and moved it to his crotch, pressing against the hard denim.
Something inside me snapped. ‘I said, I’m not in the mood!’ I scrambled away from him, getting to my feet. ‘Or don’t you care how I feel just as long as you get off?’
Ethan looked wounded. ‘I didn’t mean that!’
‘No, you did!’ My voice rose, frustrated. ‘I told you I didn’t want to, and you still wouldn’t listen. I’m not some f**k toy you can pick up any time you like!’
Ethan’s face changed. ‘You’re just feeling emotional,’ he said, looking cautious. ‘PMS. It’s OK, I’m sorry, babe. We can just cuddle.’
I wanted to scream.
‘I can’t do this any more.’ The words were out of my mouth before I could take them back, but once I heard them, loud in the silence, I felt a swell of relief so sharp it could have knocked me off my feet.
Yes. This was it. I couldn’t pretend any longer. I would tell him now, before I left. Wipe the slate clean before I even left Haverford, so that tomorrow, I could depart with nothing holding me back.
Ethan sat up slowly. ‘I don’t know what you’re saying.’ His eyes watched me, still cautious.
‘Us. This.’ I caught my breath. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry, but . . . it’s too much. I can’t.’
Ethan’s mouth fell open. I could see the realization settle across his face. ‘You’re breaking up with me?’
His voice was a whisper and, despite everything, I felt an ache slice through me.