I might love, and fear, and hope; but I must not be
"entangled." Not so concerned about myself, either for sorrow
or joy, that I should fail in anything to discern the Lord's
will, or be unready, or be slow, to do it. Not so but that my
heart should be free, looking to God for its chief strength
and joy always and everywhere, - yes, and holding my hopes at
his hand, to be given up if he called them back. With Thorold
parted from me, in the thick of the war struggle, almost
certain to be rejected by both my father and my mother, could
I have and keep such a disentangled heart? The command said
yes, and I knew there were promises that said yes too; but for
a time I was strangely unwilling. I had a sort of
superstitious feeling, that the giving up of my will about
these things, and of my will's hold of them, would be a
preliminary to their being taken away from me in good earnest.
And I trembled and wept and shrank, like the coward I was.
"And if a man also strive for masteries, yet is he not
crowned, except he strive lawfully."
"God's way is the way," I said to myself, - "and there is no
other. I know, in what I said to mamma that afternoon about
dressing and going into the world, it was not all principle.
There was a mixture of selfish disinclination to go into
society, because of Mr. Thorold and my feeling about him. My
thoughts and will are all in a tangle; and they must be
disentangled."
The struggle was long and sore that night. Worse than in
Washington; because here I was alone among those who did not
favour Mr. Thorold, and were opposed in everything to his and
my views and wishes. Temptation said, that it was forsaking
their cause, to give up my will about them. But there is no
temptation that takes us and God has not provided a way of
escape. The struggle was sharp; but when the dawn broke over
the orchards and replaced the glory of the moonlight, my heart
was quiet again. I was bent, before all things, upon doing the
will of God; and had given up myself and all my hopes entirely
to His disposal. They were not less dear hopes for that,
though now the rest of my heart was on something better; on
something which by no change or contingency can disappoint or
fail. I was disentangled. I stood free. And I was happier than
I had been in many a long day. "The peace of God." If people
could only possibly know what that means!