My heart, my heart, how it died within me as I saw my duty! as
I saw that it behoved me to give up all, and then wait in
patience to see what the Lord would let me have. My heart died
first, and then rose again to the struggle. But those only
know what a struggle it is, who, have tried. It seems to me,
most people, even Christians, do not try. Yet, to "forsake
all," the test of discipleship, what is it but to cease saying
"I must" and "I will," about anything, and to hold everything
thenceforth at the will of God. I spent that night on my
knees, when I was not walking the floor. I spent it in tears
and in pleading the promises; sometimes almost in despair. But
I reached at last a place of great calm. I gave up insisting
upon my own will; and though with every nerve of affection
throbbing, as it were, I gave up the care of myself and of
Thorold; I gave up the disposal of the lives of both. And when
the calm was once reached, it grew deeper and quieter, and the
throbbing nerves were stilled, and a great burden was taken
off my shoulders. And then, the sense of a love better than
mine, and of a power stronger than mine, stole over my heart
with an infinite sweetness; the parched and thirsty places of
my spirit seemed to catch the dews of heaven; and still
soothed and quieted more and more, I went to sleep with my
head upon the bed's side, where I was kneeling.