I went out for my usual evening walk, longing and half
dreading to see Mr. Thorold; for I did not like to show him my
fears; they gave him pain; and yet at the same time I wanted
him to scold them away. But this time I did not see him. I
walked the avenue, at first eagerly, then anxiously; then with
an intense pressing pain and suspense which could hardly be
borne. Neither Thorold nor Thorold's horse appeared among all
the figures moving there; and after walking as long as I
dared, I was fain to go home with that pain in my heart. It
seemed, as I went up the stairs to my room, almost as if I
could die at once with it. Yet I had to make my hair smooth
and meet Mrs. Sandford at tea, and hear all her little details
about Dr. Sandford's illness; which, as they were precisely
the same as those of the day before, had nothing even to hold
my attention for a moment. But I attended. It was necessary.
And I eat toast and drank tea. That was necessary too; with
every mouthful a stab of pain, and every little ordinary
incident of the tea-table a wrenching of my heartstrings. One
does those things quietly and the world never knows. But I
hailed it as a great relief when Mrs. Sandford rose from the
table.
"Poor Daisy!" she said. "I must leave you to yourself again -
all alone. It's too bad!"
"I like it very well so," I told her.
"It mustn't go on," she said. "Really it must not. You will
mope, if you don't already. Don't you, Daisy? Where are all
your admirers?"
She had touched my face caressingly with her fingers, and I
had to look up and meet her. It was one of the hardest minutes
of self-control I ever knew. I met her and answered calmly,
even coldly; and she went; and I sat down and shrank, I
remember how I shrank, lowering my head and neck and shoulders
in a crushing reaction from the erect self-assertion of the
moment before. The next thing, two hands were on my shoulders
and a voice whispered in my ear a question, "what was the
matter?". So as no other voice ever asked me that question; -
with the tender assumption of the right to know, and an
equally gentle hint that there was comfort and help somewhere
not far off. Now, however, I only started up with terror at
hearing that voice there; - terror instantly displaced by
another terror at the reason of its being there. I knew, I
can't tell how I knew, by the first glance into Mr. Thorold's
face.
"Yes," said he, in a low voice, "I have got orders."
"Where?" I managed to ask. "To do what?"