“You read poetry?”
“Sometimes.”
“I didn’t know men did that.”
“Being well read is one of the benefits of insomnia.”
They touched glasses and drank, savoring the berry and smoke flavors of a Willamette pinot noir.
“Alex mentioned that you own the cottage at the end of Dream Lake Road,” Jason said.
A glint of enjoyment appeared in Justine’s eyes, as if she’d been waiting for such a remark. “Why, yes, I do.”
“How did you end up owning it?”
“I never even knew about the cottage until this past summer. Zoë’s grandmother Emma owned it, but no one had lived there for years. It was in terrible shape.” She stared into her wineglass, swirling the bright liquid. “Emma had been diagnosed with vascular dementia, and she was going downhill fast. Zoë wanted to take care of her for the last few months of her life. So I offered to buy the cottage and renovate it, which gave Zoë and Emma some cash and also a rent-free place to stay.”
“That was generous of you.” From what he’d seen of Justine’s finances in a background check, she wasn’t exactly swimming in cash herself.
“It was no big deal,” Justine said. “And Alex outdid himself with the renovations—he threw in a lot of custom stuff we didn’t have to pay for.” A quick smile crossed her face. “Somehow I think that had more to do with Zoë than with me.”
“It doesn’t sound like you have an emotional attachment to the place.”
“I do now that I know you want it,” Justine said demurely, sipping her wine.
Jason grinned and said idly, “I might have an interest in it.”
Her slender fingers slid along the wineglass stem, and his gaze tracked the movement closely. “Does it bother you that there’s one little piece of lakefront you won’t own?”
“I don’t like loose ends,” he admitted. “Have you thought about pricing the house?”
“I haven’t even thought about selling it.”
“I’ll give you a half million for it,” he offered, enjoying the astonished look on her face.
“You’re not serious.” She saw that he was. “My God. No.”
Jason looked askance at her reaction. “It’s a generous offer.”
“It’s a stupid offer. Why would you offer to pay so much more than it’s worth?”
“Because I can. Why are you offended?”
Justine let out an exasperated breath. “Maybe because an offer like that could be construed as trying to buy someone.”
That reached down to the cynicism that was never far beneath the surface, and Jason found himself saying, “You’re not going to argue the fact that everyone has a price, I hope.”
“No. But you can’t afford my price.”
“I have a lot of money,” he countered.
“My price has nothing to do with money.” She stared at him with a bruised gravity that touched him. “And don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t try to impress me with your oversized wallet. It’s annoying. And it’s not fair to either of us.”
Jason gazed at her for a long moment. “I apologize,” he said gently.
Her face relaxed. “It’s okay.”
Conversation paused as the server brought their entrées. They had both ordered halibut sheathed in potato crust and doused with chardonnay cream sauce, accented with the crackle of fried basil leaves.
As they enjoyed the fresh, perfectly prepared food, they turned the discussion to their families. They quickly found they had something in common: Neither of them had one. In response to Justine’s tentative questions, Jason told her about the point in his life when everything had fallen apart, midway through his sophomore year at USC.
“It started when I realized I was never going to be more than competent at college ball,” he said. “I didn’t have the instinct that makes a competent player into a great one.” He smiled wryly. “And on top of that, I’d become obsessed with game design. Whenever I was working out or going through conditioning drills, all I could think about was when I’d get a chance to hang out in the campus digital media lab.” Catching the stem of his wineglass between his fingertips, Jason traced along it slowly, remembering. “So I went home at Christmas to tell my parents I was dropping out of the football program. I would pay my own way—I’d already written and sold a 2-D game, so I had a foot in the door. But the second I saw my mother, I forgot all about my personal crap. In two months, she’d turned into a skeleton.”
“Why?” Justine asked softly.
“She’d been diagnosed with liver cancer. She hadn’t told me. Refused treatment of any kind. That kind of cancer moves like a freight train. She died within a week of that visit.”
College hadn’t mattered after that. Nothing had mattered. He’d left school and home and everything familiar, in the attempt to find meaning in something.
“I’m so sorry,” Justine said.
He gave a quick shake of his head, not wanting sympathy. “It was a long time ago.”
Her hand crept toward his. Jason let his hand open naturally, palm exposed. Her touch was tentative, warm.
“What about your dad?” Justine asked. “Do you see him at all now?”
Jason shook his head, still staring at their adjoined hands. “If I did, I might kill him.”
Her fingers stilled against his palm. “He was a bad father?” she asked in a neutral tone.
Jason hesitated before answering. You could either describe a man like his father with a hundred thousand words, or one. “Violent.”
As a residential plumber, Ray Black had had no shortage of work supplies to use in disciplining an unruly son: wrenches, pipes, brass chains, flexible plumbing line. Jason had endured more than a few emergency-room visits, joking with the nurses and doctors about what a clumsy teenager he was, always getting contusions and fractures. High school football injuries. Got his bell rung again, that was contact sports for you.
“Your father knows he went too far. He promised it won’t happen again. Smile and say it was an accident.”
And Jason had done what his mother asked, smiling and lying, knowing it was far from the last time. Knowing also that the way to be as different as possible from Ray was never to lose control.
“Before my mother died,” he heard himself say, “she asked me to forgive and forget. But so far I haven’t managed to do either.”
There were no reserves of forgiveness left in him. The details of his childhood were as indelible as headstone engravings. He remembered things he didn’t want to remember. Although no one could understand him without knowing at least some of those details, he’d never brought himself to confide in anyone. His past was not something to be used as a bargaining chip to force someone’s sympathy. And so far he hadn’t seen any benefit in having someone understand him.
Justine’s fingers slid across the inside of his wrist, rubbing lightly as if she could feel his heartbeat. “I haven’t managed it, either,” she said. “My mother and I are estranged. We blame each other. She can’t forgive me for—” A helpless pause. “So many things. Mostly she can’t forgive me for not wanting her life.”
“Which is?”
“Oh…” Justine shrugged and looked away from him, her smile evasive. When her gaze cut back to his, she seemed to look at him through a hedge of secrets. “She’s … different.”
“Different how?”
“She’s very committed to what you might call an alternative religion.” Another weighted pause. “Nature based.”
“She’s Wiccan?”
“Sort of beyond that.”
Jason stared at her alertly.
Her hand began to pull away, but Jason closed his fingers over hers in a gentle snare.
“I was raised pagan,” she said. “Most of my childhood was spent at psychic festivals, spirit gatherings, magical arts meetings, drum circles … I even marched in a couple of pagan pride parades. I’m sure it looked pretty crazy to outsiders. It looked crazy from the inside, too.” Justine smiled and tried to sound light, but a vein showed on the porcelain surface of her forehead, a delicate blue longitude of tension. “I was always different,” she said. “I hated it.”
Jason wanted to touch her face, smooth away the signs of distress. Instead he let his thumb skim her knuckles in soothing strokes.
“At Halloween,” Justine continued, “I never got to dress up in a costume and go trick-or-treating. Instead I had to go to a Samhain dinner and sit next to empty plates set for the spirits of deceased relatives.”
His brows lifted slightly. “Did any of them show up?”
“I can’t tell you, or you’d freak out and run away.”
“Not before dessert.” He paused. “I’m getting the impression that your paganism involved some elements of … witchcraft?”
She blanched and kept silent.
To her astonishment, his eyes contained a glint of irreverent humor. “So are you a good witch,” he asked, “or a bad witch?”
Recognizing the quote from The Wizard of Oz, Justine tried to smile but couldn’t. “I’d rather not be labeled.”
She had told him too much. And even worse, it had all been true. What was it about him that turned her into such a blabbermouth? Feeling vaguely ill, she tried to pull her hand away again, but Jason wouldn’t let her.
“Justine,” he said quietly. “Wait. Can I just say something?… I’ve spent the past ten years creating complex fantasy worlds full of dragons and ogres. It’s the kind of job that a normal person couldn’t do. A couple of my closest friends, who both happen to work with me, have been known to wear pointy latex ears or hobbit feet to office meetings. And as I’ve already told you, I’m a pathological workaholic insomniac with no soul. So a little dabbling in the black arts during your spare time is hardly a problem for me.”
Justine was afraid to believe him. But she stopped trying to pull away. And the sick feeling was fading. Her fingers were tucked firmly in his now; she wasn’t going to let go.
Neither of them were.
Ten
For the rest of dinner, Justine felt way more intoxicated than two glasses of wine would have justified. The conversation had assumed its own momentum, flowing without effort. They had similar taste in music—Death Cab for Cutie, The Black Keys, Lenny Kravitz. Jason tried to explain Japanese anime as an art form, the stylistic exaggerations, the linear quality derived from Japanese calligraphy. She agreed to watch Howl’s Moving Castle with an open mind.
Some men were so good-looking that they didn’t have to be sexy. Some men were so sexy they didn’t have to be good-looking. For this man to be both was proof that life was essentially unfair. He was one of nature’s randomly created genetic lottery winners.
No one would blame me if I slept with him. That beautiful face, those hands … I wouldn’t even blame me.
They shared a dish of orange-ginger sorbet, crisp and tart against her tongue. It dissolved instantly in her hot mouth.
I want to kiss him, she thought, staring helplessly at the firm contours of his lips.
Trying to distract herself, she asked more questions about his family, his mother, and he answered obligingly. Her name had been Amaya, which meant “night rain” in Japanese. She had been kind but cool-natured. She had kept the house clean and organized and there had always been cut flowers in a vase on the table.
I want to lie on a bed with him and feel his hands on me. I want to feel him everywhere. I want his breath on my skin.
“Were your parents ever in love?” she heard herself ask. “Did it at least start out that way?”
Jason shook his head. “My father had the idea that marrying a half-Japanese woman meant he would have an obedient wife. Instead he ended up with an unhappy one.”
I want to feel him move inside me and see the pleasure on his face. I want him to tease me until I beg for more.
“Why did she marry him?”
“I think it came down to a question of timing. She was lonely, and he asked. So she settled.”
“I would never do that,” Justine said.
“You haven’t been as lonely as she was. She was an outsider. Most of her family was in Japan—”
“I’ve been exactly that lonely. You’re not connected to anything. Some nights it feels like you’re dying by the hour. You’re so desperate you can’t even attract the kind of person you once swore you’d never settle for. So you stay busy working, and you take magazine personality quizzes, and you try not to hate couples who wear stupid coordinating shirts and look happy just to stand together in the checkout line—”
She stopped abruptly, blinking, as Jason took one of her hands in both of his. He stared at her steadily, his thumb circling into her palm, which had turned acutely sensitive, nerves prickling at the thin-skinned center.
Her voice had risen, she realized with a stab of sick horror. She’d been talking too loudly in this tiny restaurant. Ranting. About loneliness.
Spirits, please kill me now.
Humiliation like this could not be endured. She would have to leave the country and change her name. Self-deportation was the only answer.
“I usually do better than this on a first date,” she whispered.
“It’s okay,” he said gently. “Whatever you do, or say, or feel. It’s all okay.”
Justine could only stare at him. Whatever she did was okay? What kind of man said something like that? Was there a chance he actually meant it?
Jason had already paid the check. Standing, he helped her up, pulling back her chair efficiently.
They went outside. The sky was cloudy and milk-pail gray, the air filled with mist that tasted like sea spray. The blare of the arriving ten o’clock ferry coursed along the street, reverberating against darkened shop doors and quiet buildings.
The serrated caw of a crow scraped along Justine’s nerves. She saw the flap of raggedy black wings as the bird flew away from its perch on the restaurant roof. A bad omen.
Jason took her elbow and drew her to the side of the building, his movements slow and deliberate.
She drew in a quick breath as his arms went around her. Shadows surrounded them in stone-scented coolness, fine gravel excoriating the thin soles of her sandals. She was briefly disoriented by the darkness. One of his hands slid behind the nape of her neck in an electrifying grip. His other hand went to her back, pulling her against his unyielding body. The wool of his sports coat, the scent of his skin and plain white soap, mingled in a clean and intoxicating fragrance.