Smiling at me, he quickly opens my door and pulls me to him. My heart responds to his touch as it starts to beat faster. I close my eyes and lean into him, he smells so good, fresh from the shower. I press my palms against his chest and I swear I not only feel his heart beating but also hear it just as loudly. He cups my chin and looks at me intensely. “I love you so much.”
Traffic is light, as I drive the sixty minutes or so back to Laguna Beach. I’m enjoying the tranquility of the enchanting starry night as I reflect back on the past week and how my life has changed so drastically. My emotions range from high to low, I’m happy and I’m sad.
Glancing over at the empty passenger seat while stopped at a red light, I pick up the small black rectangular picture frame I put there yesterday. The glass is gone, but the photograph, still perfect, is of my father, mother, and myself at Disneyland. I clutch it tightly against my chest remembering the fun we always had together. God, I wish they were still here with me. I miss them so much.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I’m driving, but they are tears of reflection more than sadness. We were able to collect most of my memories. Yes, most are broken and in need of repair, but I still have them to keep and treasure. The only unsalvageable items were Ben’s journals. As River crated the broken photographs and frames, I flattened all Ben’s hand scripted pages, flattened them, and put them in a box. I’d never read his most private thoughts and I don’t think I ever will, but I want to keep them nonetheless.
Over the course of the week, I’d finally let Ben go. He will always be with me, but I have made room for someone else in my heart now. Grace’s words echo in my mind right now as I recall our goodbye last night standing outside my car. She knew I would be back tonight, but we both were aware that when I returned I would no longer be Ben Covington’s fiancé, as I’d often been referred to after his death.
Last night, as I took the engagement ring that I’d tucked away so many days ago out of my purse, I clutched it tightly before handing it to her. River was waiting for me in his car. I was going to follow him home in mine. Glancing over at him, I smiled and took a deep breath. I knew the time was right. “Grace, please keep it safe for me.”
She hugged me tightly. “Dahlia honey, I will. You deserve to be happy and you’re ready for this, for him,” she said, looking over the man she knew I loved. “Don’t cling to the remnants of your life that have been snatched away from you. Instead, look forward to your future. I know I do.” We were both crying as we said goodbye. I knew then that when I arrived at her house tonight she would be the same loving woman she always has been, but she would no longer be my future mother-in-law.
Now, driving down Grace’s street I stop at the end of the stone driveway and slowly walk to the beach. I haven’t visited our favorite spot since he died, and I’ve missed it. The moonlit path is visible, and the old weathered planks creak beneath my feet as I cross the divide like I’ve done a thousand times before. Looking up, the dark heavens are shining with twinkling stars, and I truly believe my family and Ben are smiling down on me. The waves splash through the surf, and it’s music to my ears. The full moon’s beams reflect off the glistening sand and make it sparkle like diamonds. The ebb and flow of the water moves quickly, crashing against the rocks as the white froth of sea dances across the shore.
I bend down and untie my sneakers. Taking my Converse shoes off, I tuck my phone in one and leave them in the dunes. Inhaling deeply, I hesitantly start my walk through what I have thought of as quicksand for the past two years.
As the moonlight flickers across the beach, it’s as if the exhilarated moon is blinking its eyes at me, guiding my way to the beloved shore. I feel like this place is readying me for the peaceful nights that will hopefully come after I leave, after I say my goodbyes.
The soft sand feels like grains of sugar beneath my feet and it comforts me as I approach the shore. Reaching the water, I release the breath I’ve been holding and think of Ben in the surf, on his board enjoying the waves. Thoughts of all our fun times here on the beach make me smile.
A cool wind blows through the air with determination, as if it’s trying to get somewhere. The beautiful palm trees, bent back from so many past storms, seem close enough to almost kiss the ground.
I roll up my jeans as the healing water swirls around me, creating a whirlpool effect around my ankles. Looking out into the darkness, the ocean seems to be laughing as it bounces up and down.
I sit down and slowly immerse myself in the water, taking deep cleansing breaths. I sit here, for I don’t know how long, and let the water wash away my pain as I reacquaint myself with one of my favorite places. I know I’ll never forget Ben regardless of the tangible things I may have lost; his spirit will always be with me.
Standing up, I look back up to the heavens and smile. I will never stay away from this place again. I love the beach, not despite the memories I have of it, but because of them. I realize that although my memories might fade, they will always be the beacons on my path to the future, and I’m surprisingly at ease with that.
As I head back to Grace’s house and approach the dunes, I laugh out loud as I hear Justin Timberlake’s voice sing through the night. “Hey sexy.”
I hear a chuckle on the other end of the phone. “That’s my line, sexy girl. Miss me yet?”
“I’ve only been gone a few hours,” I say, walking back to my car. “But yeah, I do.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
MILES APART
We are miles apart, but you’re in my heart
I think about you all the time
We could make believe we’re not living apart
Or you could consider turning it into reality
Just remember you’re always in my heart.
River’s POV
December 2011 - 3 weeks later…
Waking up to the sound of water pelting against the windows again doesn’t really bother me because I know we won’t be getting out of this warm, comfortable bed to go running, at least until the rain lets up anyway. She’s lying next to me, and I love how content she makes me feel. I love her, everything about her. She’s beautiful, tall, thin, and has these amazingly sweet doe-eyes that just give her such a look of innocence and make me want to always keep her safe. But it isn’t only her beauty that draws me to her; it’s many things. She’s fun, playful, curious, and strong. She’s always up for an adventure. She loves the outdoors and takes every opportunity to photograph the beauty she sees in it. She might never keep her phone charged and her emails might pile up, but she always keeps in touch with the people she cares about. She’s not pretentious. She’s kind and compassionate; she offers money to almost everyone we pass that asks for it. Her purse is so heavy because she always has about seven dollars in change at the bottom of it. She’s simply amazing.
Rolling to my side, I rest my head on my elbow and start to slide my hand up the inside of her thigh so I can feel her smooth soft skin. She shifts to face me. I lean in to kiss her and look at her beautiful face. “Good morning sleepy girl,” I mutter, feeling a little sleep deprived myself. I know she must be tired because she never wakes up after me. At least she doesn’t wake up at sunrise every morning thanks to the blackout shades that we installed in the bedroom.
“Good morning,” she says, stretching her arms and smiling at me. She settles back down, snuggling into me, and gives me a good morning kiss. I love it when, in the middle of our kiss, I can feel her smiling.
She pulls away, still grinning, and says, “Ready?”
Looking down the sheet at myself, I smirk, “Yeah, I’m ready.” Okay, so I guess she wants to skip the foreplay this morning.
“Great! Let’s go then,” she says, pushing me out of bed as she hops off and heads to the bathroom.
“Dahlia! No, really? In the rain? Now?” is about all I can say because I was so ready but not for running.
After our five-mile run, we stop to walk the last stretch on the street that leads back to the house. We stayed in the neighborhood and didn’t veer down the trails. We’re walking side by side, and she’s telling me about Aerie’s new boyfriend and is not bothered at all by the rain. Suddenly she stops, bends down, and starts taking off her sneakers and socks.
Breathing heavily from the run, I stop too, extremely curious as to what the hell she’s doing. “Dahlia what are you doing?”
“Taking my shoes off.”
“I can see that. Why?”
“Because silly, I want to jump in the puddles.”
She says that like I’m a dumbass and should’ve known. God, I f**king love her. The raindrops fall, but all I can see is the beautiful girl in front of me. She doesn’t have to worry that her broken pearl necklaces won’t bring her magic anymore because she’s the magic.
As I continue to watch her with amazement and wonder, I no longer simply see rain falling from the sky. In my mind, the drops have become the tiny small wishing wells she once described to me and they are gathering all around her. I have this overwhelming urge to grant this girl her every wish, but at the same time, that f**king terrifies me. What if she doesn’t want me to be her happily ever after? What if the connection she had with him can’t be broken? What if he was her happily ever after?
These are the thoughts that scare the shit out of me and keep me from pushing our relationship too far, too fast. What if she loves him more than me? Will she always love him more? As if having to compete for Dahlia’s love against a ghost isn’t hard enough, knowing the things I know about him just makes me hate him more. But what I know about him, I’d never tell her. I’d never hurt her that way.
After she jumps from puddle to puddle, she closes her eyes and raises her arms out to the side. She tips her head back and spins in circles like this is something people do every day. Her spirit mesmerizes me, and although I never met her Grammy, I know that woman’s spirit is alive inside this girl.
Smiling, I walk over to her and her eyes open. She’s blinking away the raindrops when I grab her face, pulling her to me. I kiss her hard; hoping some of her magic will rub off on me. Slowing down, I never break our connection as I concentrate on making sure this kiss lets her know how much I truly love her. When she starts to quiver, I know I’ve accomplished my goal.
“Surprise!” she yells, opening her trunk. Once we got back from our run, we took a shower, and she decided to run some errands while I talked to Xander about the contract negotiations.
Cocking my head to the side and raising an eyebrow, I peek inside the trunk. “What are we doing with these, running a daycare center?”
Shaking her head, she pouts her lips as she points to the boxes. “Do three year olds play Backgammon?” Every time she pouts her lips, all I want to do is kiss her.
“I don’t know what three year olds play, but I do know what twenty-six, soon to be twenty-seven year olds play, and it’s a lot more fun,” I answer, pulling her to me and kissing her soft lips.
She steps around the car, opens her door, and grabs what looks to be a grocery bag full of food. Walking back to the trunk, she drops it to the ground near my feet, waving her finger at me. She giggles as she takes that one step keeping us apart. “You’re lucky I love you because sometimes your humor is just wrong.”
She’s only really said the words ‘I love you’ to me twice before, but I’ll count this one. She’s texted them to me and written them in a note, but verbalizing the words seems hard for her. I’m sure it’s because of him. But I don’t want to think about that now, so I shake that thought out of my head and give my amazing girl my full attention.
Licking my lips, I feign ignorance as I ask, “What? What did I say? And what’s in the bag?”
Grinning at me, she slides her hands up my chest, wrapping them around my neck. “Don’t play dumb with me, you know exactly what you said,” she mockingly chides into my ear. “And as for the bag, you'll just have to wait and see.”