I swallow. “Is it something good?”
He nods and smiles. “Yeah. Come sit.” He walks over to the edge of the bed and sits down, then pats the mattress for me to follow.
I sit, but not too close. I don’t really know what’s happening.
“I was bumming around up in the mountains in Wyoming. Way the fuck out by Bighorn Lake. You know it, right?”
I shoot him a look. “Everyone knows where Bighorn Lake is.”
He laughs. “So I was up there in the mountains and I was so fucking lost. But there was like this park access road, so I walked up this road to the top of a hill and do you know what was up there?”
I shake my head as I stare into his eyes. He’s excited to tell me this and that makes me excited with him. “What was it?”
“That medicine wheel thing you were talking about last summer. Remember that?”
My throat starts to sting and my eyes start to water. “I was just talking to James about that a few days ago.”
“Huh,” Nick says, smiling. “I saw it.” He looks over at me and then his hand grips my shoulder and he flops backwards on the bed, taking me with him. We sigh together. “It was pretty cool. You’re gonna love seeing it.”
“I’m not going,” I say quickly. “I don’t want to go.” He says nothing to that. Just lets the silence take over until I feel the need to explain. “My dad was gonna take me this summer. I don’t want to see it with anyone else.”
“Hmmm. I can see your point. I mean, your dad would probably be mad if you went without him, don’t you think?”
I tisk my tongue. “Just don’t.”
“What? That’s your reason, right?”
I stare up at the ceiling.
“Because I know your dad was like that. All pissy about you being happy without him.”
“I know it makes no sense to you, but it does to me. There’s just no one else I want to see it with.”
Nick turns his head to the side. “Sasha,” he says. I turn mine too, and our faces are but a few inches apart. “I love you.”
I feel the tears well up.
“I love you and I only want what’s best for you. I want you to go to school. And live in a house. And never pick up a gun again. I want you to wear dresses and go to dances. And have dates with boys who take you to eat hamburgers. I want you to study dinosaurs and travel the world looking for clues about the past that no one else cares about.”
He stops and swallows. Like he needs to build his courage up. Another tear streaks across my face until his fingertips intercepts it just as it rounds my nose.
“And once you’ve done all that without me, you’re gonna realize that you can love more than once in a lifetime.”
“You’re going to be there with me,” I blurt as the tears pour out. “You’re my promise.”
He shakes his head. “The promise is over. You have to forget about it. You have to move forward and forget about it. And if your dad was here, he’d tell you to go see that medicine wheel.”
“We can go together, Nick. We can go up there together and you can show it to me.”
But he’s shaking his head before I’m even done. “I’m not going back.”
“I’m not going back either.”
He huffs out a small breath of air. I’m not sure if it’s a laugh or a sign of resignation. “Are you hungry?”
I nod.
“What do you want?” He stares at me. Stares into me.
“Pancakes,” I whisper.
“Then pancakes you shall have. I’ll go get them and you take a shower.”
And then he gets up and walks to the table to pick up his keys. “Get up,” he calls as he walks to the door. “I’ll be right back with the food.”
I get in the shower and let the hot water blast down on me. I’m just rinsing off the conditioner in my hair when I hear the room door open and close. I finish rinsing and then step out of the shower, wrapping the towel around me tightly. The room door opens and closes again and I peek my head out of the bathroom. “Nick?”
There’s no one in the room.
“Nick?”
I walk out and spot the food on the table. It’s wrapped up tightly in a plastic bag to keep it warm. But it’s what’s next to the food that stops my heart.
Money.
I walk over and pick it up, counting in my head. Four hundred dollars. There’s a folded piece of paper underneath the money and even though I do not want to pick that paper up and read what he wrote, I know I have to.
My hands tremble as I read his words.
Dear Sash,
I’m so sorry. But you and Harper—you two are the only reason I’m doing this. And if I took you with me, I’d be just as bad as my father. I’d be just as bad as James. I’m coming back, don’t worry. I paid the room up for two weeks and I’ll be back. I’ll find you a home, Sasha. I swear. You’re gonna have that life I told you about. Just stay here. Don’t call anyone. Don’t leave. Just please, stay here so I know you’re safe.
I can’t be your promise, it’s wrong. But you’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted. I hope you know that.
Nick
I cry silent tears as I read it over and over again. I never get dressed, just fall back on the bed in my towel as I try and come to terms with what’s happening to my life.
I am thirteen years old.