Mom finally admits she’s getting tired. She hugs Chey goodbye before I help her to her room. She’s in bed and I lean over to kiss her forehead, but she stops me.
“Thank you.” Her hand cups my cheek and tears spill down her face. “This day has been perfect, Colton. Just like you, it will always be a part of me.”
I shake my head. My eyes ache as I try to fight back tears. I can’t do this. We can’t do this now. It’s not time. I’m not ready.
“We’ll have more of them.” I tell her, but I can’t look her in the eyes when I say it. “I promise.”
“I know.” She leans her forehead against mine and we just sit there. I close my eyes because I’m fucking weak and I can’t handle seeing her. To see if she doesn’t believe we’ll have more days like this and wishing I gave her some earlier.
I know she wants to say more. I feel it in the way her hand touches my cheek, but she doesn’t. All she says is, “Now go spend the day with that girl of yours. She’s something special.”
I nod. Stay here a few seconds longer before I pull away. “Yeah…she is. I’m lucky to have her.”
“She’s just as lucky to have you.”
I hope so. I really fucking do.
~CHAPTER THIRTY~
Cheyenne
Colt doesn’t feel like doing anything after we see his mom. Which I understand. I can’t imagine going through what he is and wish there was something I could do for him. I hate feeling helpless. I know it’s something I share with him. I think we’ve both felt like that too often. It’s probably one of the things that drew us together.
We stay at his house again. It’s wild and crazy as ever. I wonder if Adrian does anything but party.
“How do you handle the partying all the time?” I ask as we lay in bed the next day.
Colt shrugs. “Because I was always partying with him?”
“Oh.” His reply makes happiness shoot through me. He’s with me instead of partying. “I’m more fun, aren’t I?” I tease.
Colt laughs. I love the sound.
“You’re fucking cocky is what you are.”
“You have the worst mouth.”
“I thought we decided women like my mouth. You like my mouth, don’t you?”
He starts to use it on me and I can’t help but shiver. He definitely knows how to use it.
“You’re always distracting me.” I let my eyes close and just feel.
“You like that too.”
And he’s right. I do. I also like this playful side of him. Love that I’m the one who gets to see it.
“Stop talking.” My hand slides through his hair.
“Done,” he says. Like always Colt makes good on his word.
***
“Have you done this before?” I ask Colt as he climb the grassy hill. A few people are already sitting on the ground, different colored blankets under them or some with chairs. There are a few trees, but not a lot. Probably why they do this in the Fall so it’s not too hot. Tonight will be chilly though. I’m looking forward to that.
“What?” he replies. I almost forgot I asked him a question.
“The concerts in the park. Have you come to them before?” They’re sponsored by the college. Indie type bands play at them. We don’t even know what kind of music to expect, but felt like getting out of the house. Like doing something normal.
Colt rolls his eyes at me. “Yeah. All the fucking time. I help organize it.”
I shake my head and laugh at him. “You’re right. What could I have been thinking? It would require you to actually want to do something normal or happy.”
He does something that surprises me then. Colt tackles me. He’s careful and I go down easily because…well because I don’t mind being taken down by him.
He sits on my stomach, straddling me. He’s able to hold both my hands in one of this and I can’t get away. “How’s this? Is this normal and happy? Is this what I’m supposed to do? Tickle you and be all fucking sappy in public?”
His voice is light. A smile tilts his mouth.
“No. You’re not doing it right,” I tell him.
He cocks his head. “I’m not? Fuck.”
“You’re supposed to kiss me.”
Without a word he leans forward and does just what I said. Our tongues dance together, around each other the way he calls me little dancer. All too soon he’s pulling away.
“She’s good at that, isn’t she?” At the sound of Gregory’s voice, I tense.
Colt doesn’t though. He’s off me and on his feet in two seconds.
“What the fuck did you just say?” Colt hisses.
I scramble to my feet. What did I ever see in Gregory? “Don’t.” I grab onto Colt’s arms.
“I said she’s good at that, though I’m pretty sure you heard me.” Red is by his side. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a friend with him. He’s such a coward.
“Don’t say a word about her again. Talk shit about me all you want. You bring her into it and I’m going to have to beat your ass. Again. How many times will that make?” Colt starts holding up, one, two, three, four, five fingers until he’s holding both hands up.
“Are we really going to do this again?” Colt asks. “I’m down if you are, but you have your girl with you and I’d hate for her to have to clean you up again. Why don’t you go do what you came here to do. Talk shit about me to your friends later and pretend you’re man enough to matter to me. If you couldn’t tell, I’m trying to kiss my girl.”
I know Colt. He really will fight if Gregory tries anything. I tighten my grip on his hand. Gregory’s face is bright red. He’s pissed and embarrassed. I can’t believe I was with him so long. That I was so much like him.
“This isn’t over,” Gregory says before walking away. It’s hard not to laugh. It’s such a “B” movie thing to say.
“I really fucking hate him.” The tension in Colt finally releases.
“I’m sorry. I just want to have a good day.”
He sighs, which doesn’t sound very good, but says, “We will. We’re normal and happy, remember?”
I smile before we finish trekking up the hill, find a spot and lay our blanket down.
The music starts not long after. A guy with a guitar who sounds a little like Bobby Long, one of the only people I really listen to. This guy isn’t as good.
I sit between Colt’s legs and he has his arms around me. I feel his heart against my back and wonder if mine matches his rhythm.
When it starts to get cold, he pulls the blanket around us. Gregory’s forgotten. Everything else can wait. We just sit back and listen. I’m not even sure if he likes this kind of music, but he’s here and that means something to me.
“You owe me for this,” he whispers in my ear before nipping it with his teeth.
“How did I know you’d say something like that?”
He chuckles and keeps holding me. I’m glad it’s cold, but even if it was a hundred degrees I would still love to have him wrapped around me.
When it’s over we hold hands as we walk back to the car. I’m not sure how many more days we’ll have like this— if it was a fluke because he just needed a break or if we’ll try to make this our new normal. All I know is I loved it. I love everything I do with him.
“We just went on a fucking date, Tiny Dancer,” Colt teases when we get to the car.
“I was just thinking that.”
He smirks. “It wasn’t so bad. Mom will be proud.”
I return his smile before hugging him. What is it about this boy that makes me come undone? That makes me need to touch him and talk to him and just be with him?
“Did you only go out with me to make your mom happy?” I laugh.
Colt shakes his head. “Are you trying to pull compliments out of me?”
I playfully push him before getting in the car. He’s right behind me, tossing the blanket into the backseat and then climbing into the passenger side.
I hardly have the car started when my phone rings. It’s Bev’s number. Colt doesn’t have a new phone so maybe she’s just calling to say hi. “Hello.” I listen. Tears automatically pool in my eyes. My heart breaks. “Okay…I understand.”
I hang up the phone and look at Colt. “That was Maggie.” I grab his hand and he tenses. “She’s not doing well…They’re calling in hospice. They think it’s time.”
That quickly our normal…our happy, is over.
~CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE~
Colt
I feel like I’m choking on my own tongue the whole way there. Like it’s swelling, filling my mouth, throat, suffocating me, but I still can’t make myself open my mouth and say a word. My mind is blank the whole time except for the same words going over and over through my head.
It’s time, it’s time, it’s time.
Such simple fucking words, but they mean everything’s changing. That I’ll have to keep going on, but she’ll soon be dead. Fucking gone. No huge beating heart, no smile. Nothing but skin, bones and my name on her wrist, until eventually she won’t even be that anymore.
My grip tightens on the door and the center console as my dancer drives me home. To sit with my mom. While she dies.
I almost gag. Something wants to come up my throat but I fight it down. I can’t lose it. Can’t. Not yet. Not before I see her.
We get out of the car and Cheyenne takes my hand. She doesn’t ask me if I’m okay. What a stupid fucking question that is. I hate it when people ask that when they know the answer. Instead she asks, “Are you sure you want me to stay?”
I pull her to me, loving her for asking and still needing her here because there’s no way I can do this alone.
“Stay.” Is all I say because it’s all I can manage. She nods, understanding. Always understanding no matter how big a prick I’ve been.
My hands fucking shake as we walk inside. I lace my fingers through hers, needing the grounding only this girl gives me.
“Oh, Colton,” Maggie pulls me into her arms, but I don’t hug her back. Don’t have it in me to do anything.
I don’t get it. The day before yesterday, she was fine. Laughing and talking and sitting in the sunshine.
“What happened?” I manage to ask.
Maggie pulls away. “Yesterday she slept most of the day. Was vomiting.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” I ask.
“She asked me not to. Said she was just tired. It’s her right, Colton.”
“I’m her son.” I push around Maggie. “I have a right.”
“Another hospice nurse came in this morning…They prescribed a lot more morphine. It will help with the pain.”
Help kill her, she means.
“She didn’t want to take any until you got here. She’s still sleeping a lot but—”
I don’t hear anything else because I’m down the hall. To her room. She’s in fucking pain because she wanted to wait for me.
Her head is turned, her eyes on the door as soon as I step inside.
“Colton,” she hardly whispers out. My feet plant to the floor. I can’t move. How the hell can she look so much worse in two days? How can it happen like this? She’s hooked up to the IV. I’ve seen her on it at home before, but this is different.
My pulse pounds in my ears. My chest aches. This is Mom. The one who’s always been there. The one who wanted nothing but for me to be happy. To make something of myself. To be more than her and more than my dad and she’s fucking dying.
Her arm stretches out, her hand open to me.
Fucking move, Colt!
I feel Chey’s hand on my shoulder, urging me on. One foot in front of the other I go to her.