My mother made good on her threats and filed a lawsuit against The Reverend Floyd Meaks, Pastor of the Shepherd of the Hills Non-Denominational Church and Krass Brother's Funeral Parlor seeking untold damages, at least untold to me, for permanent and debilitating physical and psychological injuries including, but not limited to, physical incapacity brought about by gross negligence and questionable business practices of the above mentioned.
"They caused me untold humiliation, permanent physical injuries and psychological trauma. I've been scared for life," she argued. The bandanna she took to wearing became her campaign's flag. "Those charlatans at the funeral parlor will have to flip burgers for a living, and that preacher should be defrocked."
"Your mother should run for chief-prosecutor of The-Supreme-Kangaroo-Court," Shannie commented after hearing of my mother's pending legal action.
"She's a litigious lunatic," Diane said.
"She's a suite short of a full deck," Count said.
"If you croak, have your mother call Katzenmoyer's! They're Jews; they have the good lawyers." Steve Lucas told me.
"If your mother would have listened to Floyd, none of this would have happened," my father told me as we played catch with a football.
When I repeated those sentiments, I had to dodge a second glass. "Jesus Christ! Who's side are you on?" she wailed as the glass shattered against the kitchen wall.
"She's not a litigious lunatic. She's a certifiable lunatic. She should be committed!" Diane said upon hearing about mother's latest outburst.
Even the Lightman's broke their silence, "You know," Bear quipped seeing my bandanna-clad mother working in our garden. "I bet that funeral director wished the coffin did her in. Hell I'd bet he'd give your Dad a two-for-one deal."
"That's funny, my dad said the same thing."
I enjoyed my friend's insults; their comments reassured me that it wasn't my fault she acted the way she did. At the same time, those same insults made me feel defensive. After all, she was mourning her father.
When I told Shannie my feelings she told me to stop being an apologist. "Don't enable her," Shannie said precociously. When I argued that my mother was "in a lot of pain" Shannie countered, "That's no excuse."
"Go easy on her," I argued. "She just lost her father."
"At least she had a father!" Shannie snapped. "You know why I can't stand her? She doesn't realize what she has. If you don't wise up, you'll be just like her!"