Considering that I still worked part time for Bear, I joked with Krista that I had a long, secure career ahead of me. Ironic, considering my childhood coimetrophobia. "You licked that one. I wish more of my patients did as well confronting their fears."
"You kidding me. I'm the biggest pussy on two feet. If I had half the balls you say I have, I'd get the hell out of this place and start a new life."
Krista sat back in her chair. "Go on," she smiled.
"Like maybe I'd go to school or something. Sometimes I think I'm smart enough. Especially when I see some of the smucks that graduate. I'd like to move out west again, but not California; it's way too crowded - this place is getting just as bad. I feel claustrophobic around here. I'm tired of living on a dead end."
Krista remained quiet, her cue for me to continue thinking aloud.
"I mean I love Shannie and all, but she's back with Genise. Maybe it's time to admit defeat and move on." Pausing, I looked at Krista and shook my head. "Damn, I can't believe I talked her into going to Atlantic City. Why do I do things that are contrary to my best interest?"
"Do you?" Krista interjected.
"Do I what?"
Krista leaned forward in her chair. "Do you do things against your best interest?"
I laughed: "Ain't it obvious?"
"Not necessarily." Krista replied. "Maybe in your heart of hearts you know. Maybe you're aware of your bliss path. Maybe talking Shannie into going to see Genise only seems counter-productive. Maybe there's a part of you that knows what your next step is."
I studied my sneakers. "That's crazy." I said.
Krista rested her head in her left hand. "How so?"
"I don't know; it just sounds crazy." I protested.
"I'm not leaving you of the hook James. Answer my question." My sadistic shrink ordered.
"What was the question?"
"Why is my believe that you know what your next step is crazy? In other words, why is talking Shannie into going to Atlantic City against your best interest?"
"You can't figure that out?"
"James, you just admitted it's time to admit defeat and move on. I don't quite see it as defeat, but never-the-less, you're on to something."
"Yeah, I'm convinced that I hate myself and will do anything to make myself miserable."