This is too much.
I’m too scared to kiss.
What if he thinks I’m awful?
I don’t want to get rejected.
He’s on my team!
So I tell Ty I need to go.
Other than seven minutes in heaven with Henry
this is the closest I’ve ever come to a kiss
and I tell him I need to go.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Ty pulls away
glares at me
and begins to get out of the truck.
“See you at school tomorrow.”
He slams the door
heading toward the house
he doesn’t wave or even turn to look.
Now it’s me staring as he walks away.
FROM: Tucker, Mark (Athletics, University of Alabama) TO: Woods, Jordan
DATE: Monday, August 30, 12:46 p.m.
SUBJECT: Opportunity
Dear Jordan:
We are so pleased you are considering joining our athletic community at the University of Alabama. Coffee Calendars, a company affiliated with our booster program, produces an athletic calendar that our boosters sell every year. While a certain portion of the proceeds go to support our sports programs, most of the proceeds go to charity.
Coffee Calendars is in the process of taking photographs for next year’s calendar, and our boosters would like you to consider posing for the September picture. Members of the volleyball, softball, and swim teams have agreed to be featured.
If you plan to join our program, which we most sincerely hope you do, we’d like to schedule a photo shoot before your home game this Friday evening. Production schedules require us to begin this process as soon as possible.
Please let me know if you’re available for a photo session. Yours truly,
Mark Tucker
Director of Athletics
jerry rice
the count? 15 days until alabama
Monday at school. Last class of the day, home ec. Along with music appreciation and auto mechanics, this is another one of the stupid, easy classes Henry and I are taking together.
“Okay, everyone,” Ms. Bonner says, “Pair off into groups of two—husbands and wives.”
Henry’s the only guy in the class, so al the girls automatical y turn to him. He puffs out his chest and grins broadly, looking around the room at al the girls he has to choose from. A sophomore sitting in front of us gives him a little wave and a smile.
Henry raises his hand. “Ms. Bonner?”
“Yes, Sam?” the teacher says with a sigh. She taps a forefinger on a textbook.
After slipping a pencil behind his ear, Henry folds his hands in front of him and gets this extremely serious look on his face like he’s about to negotiate a peace treaty. “Before we can choose partners, I think we need a few more details on what we’re going to be doing in these husband-wife pairs. Is, um…” Henry lowers his voice to a mere whisper, “…sex involved?”
Al the other girls start giggling as Ms. Bonner shakes her head. “No, Sam. Sex is not involved.”
“Then I don’t understand how we can be husbandwife pairs,” he exclaims. “That’s what husbands and wives do.”
The girls giggle even more.
“We’re just going to be pretending,” Ms. Bonner says. “Now, everyone, find partners.”
The smiling, waving sophomore comes slinking up and touches Henry’s arm. “Want to be partners, Sam?”
“Nope, sorry,” he says. “I’m already married to Woods.”
The sophomore glares at me. What the hel is her problem? Like Henry and I would commit to doing a school project with someone else in this class. Honestly.
“Okay,” Ms. Bonner says, going to a closet at the back of the room, “Now that we al have partners, al husbands should come pick up their projects.”
Pick up our project? Shrugging, I stand up and stretch my arms. Henry also stands. “No way, dude,” I say. “I’m the man in this relationship.”
“Oh yeah, absolutely,” he says, grinning. He sits back down as I walk to the closet to see this project, which turns out to be one of those fake electronic babies. Oh good God. Ms. Bonner hands me a fake baby boy. The dol has these creepy glass eyes that look like they’re staring straight into my soul. I hold the dol out in front of me like it’s a flaming bag of poo and carry it back to Henry.
“Congratulations, Mommy,” I say, dropping the dol into his hands. “You could’ve told me I knocked you up.”
“My bad. I thought you’d force me to get an abortion,”
Henry replies, taking the baby and cradling it as if it’s real. “He has your eyes, Woods.”
“And your hair.” The dol is bald. “Can we name him Joe Montana?”
“Hel s no, his name is Jerry Rice.”
“No, his name is Joe Montana.”
“I was in labor with him for fourteen hours!” Henry exclaims as he rocks the baby back and forth. “His name is Jerry Rice.”
I grin. “Fine.”
Then the teacher gives us al this shit, like blankies and strol ers and toys and other things that babies need. First, Ms. Bonner says we have to carry this crap around al week! But then she explains the real assignment. Apparently these babies have computer assignment. Apparently these babies have computer chips that make them cry at random times, and it’s up to us to feed them and change their diapers. Feeding them involves putting a metal rod in their fake mouths, which shuts off the crying. If we take out the metal rod before the fake baby is done eating, it wil start crying again. We have to keep our babies happy and alive until Friday—for five entire days! So even if the baby cries in the middle of the night, we have to get up and feed the baby or change it. And cheating isn’t an option, because the memory chip inside the baby takes readings that the teacher wil check at the end of the week.
This assignment is so stupid. Like I’m ever going to have children. Like I’m ever going to get laid. I bet I could get my chiropractor to write a note saying the electronic pulses from these babies have been known to cause cancer, which would eat away at my bones, which would make me useless on the footbal field. Wait…
“But Ms. Bonner,” I cal out, “What are Henry and I supposed to do during footbal practice?”
Henry puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, dear. That’s what grandparents and the junior varsity players are for.”
Ms. Bonner throws her hands up in the air. Lucky for her, the bel rings. Henry spends an inordinate amount of time getting Jerry Rice situated in our strol er. Then we leave the room, carrying our diaper bags down the hal toward the locker rooms. On the way, we run into Carter and JJ, who both just about die laughing.
“Shut up!” Henry says, “You’re going to wake up Jerry Rice.”
“Jerry Rice?” Carter says, covering his mouth with a hand. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Carter laugh so hard.
“Carter, would you like to be the godfather?” Henry asks. “You know, in case anything happens to me and Woods this week?”
“Charming,” Carter says. “I’d be honored. Does JJ
get to be godmother?”
“Obviously,” I say.
“Can I hold Jerry Rice?” JJ asks. “He’s so cute.”
“No way, man,” I reply. “I don’t want to wake that thing up before practice. We’l be late if we have to feed it.”
“What does it eat?” Carter asks.
“I have to breast-feed, ’cause I’m the mom,” Henry says, continuing to push the strol er toward the locker room.
“Actual y,” I say, “It eats a metal rod, made out of, like, lead. So basical y, we’re learning how to poison babies.”
“Radical,” JJ says as we approach the gym, where we find Ty standing with Kristen, talking and leaning against the wal . When Ty sees me, he pushes away from the wal and comes over, leaving Kristen standing alone. What were they talking about? God, why didn’t I just kiss him yesterday? Then I wouldn’t have to worry about why he was talking to the floozy that is Kristen Markum.
“Yo, guys,” Ty says, peering down into the strol er.
“What the hel is that thing? Satan’s spawn?”
“You’d better watch it!” Henry says. He puts on a serious face, throws an arm around my shoulders, and pul s me in close. “That’s our child you’re talking about.”
Ty smiles, then looks at Jerry Rice. “Its eyes are seriously creeping me out. And I knew something was going on between you two.”
“You’re right,” Henry says. “Woods is my husband, and I’m her wife.”
Carter and JJ start laughing again, and then walk off through the gym to the locker room, leaving just me, Ty, Henry, and Jerry Rice. Oh, and the awful Kristen Markum, who barely qualifies as a human being.
“Woods? Do you have a sec?” Ty asks.
“Woods? Do you have a sec?” Ty asks.
“Sure.”
“Alone?” Ty eyes Henry and Jerry Rice, and I jerk my head at Henry.
“Fine,” Henry says, rol ing his eyes. “Divorce me if you must, Woods. I can’t believe I’ve only been married half an hour and I’m already a single parent.” Ty holds the door to the gym open so Henry can get the strol er through. I giggle at the sight of him carrying those diaper bags across the gym. Kristen is stil standing there glaring at me with crossed arms, looking megajealous.
“Kristen—I’l talk to you later,” Ty says, brushing his hair off his forehead. “Woods and I need to talk footbal .”
“Oh, okay,” she says, suddenly smiling and bobbing up and down on her toes. “Bye, Ty!” She gives him a hug and takes off down the hal way.
Trying not to barf, I ask, “What’s up?”
“I’m so sorry about yesterday…how I just slammed the door of your truck and al . And I didn’t even thank you for taking me to the game. It was one of the best days of my life.”
Stuffing my hands into the back pockets of my jeans, I nod a single nod. “No prob. Ready for practice?”
“Almost,” he says, putting a hand up to my shoulder, stopping me. Is he going to try to kiss me again? “Um, are you and Henry, um…you know.”
“Are we what?”
“You know, together?”
“Of course not. We’ve been best friends for, like, ten years.”
“Oh…got it. Sometimes it just seems like you’re more.”
“Would it be bad if Henry and I were more?”
He brushes his hair away again, then rubs his neck. Motioning for me to fol ow him into the gym, he takes off toward the left, toward the guys’ locker room, and I move right, toward the girls’. He cal s out, “Yeah, it would be very bad.”
After throwing on al my pads, practice uniform, and cleats, I grab my helmet and jog out to the field, looking for Henry and our fake baby, Jerry Rice. I spot Henry up in the stands, talking to Mom. He’s holding the fake baby out to her. She starts laughing and takes the dol from his hands and holds it by an arm. I see him waving his arms at her, as if he’s freaking out over how she’s holding the fake baby. He takes the baby back from her and then motions for her to make a cradle with her arms. She laughs again, then makes a fake cradle, and Henry sets the dol down in her arms. She shakes her head.
