He murmured against my skin, “You tried to save her, but you can’t give your life for hers. She’s gone, Emma.”
A shudder went through me.
“She brought Dunvan into your lives. You were all doomed the second that happened.” He pulled on my arm. “You know I’m right. Somewhere in there, you know I’m right. You can be angry at her.”
My head whipped to his. “She just died.”
“She died a long time ago,” he said flatly. “You know that. You’ve always known that.”
I shook my head. “This is why you should’ve let me go. None of this would’ve happened. She might not have met him. I wouldn’t have even been her roommate. Maybe I was supposed to die, Carter. Maybe you weren’t supposed to save me or kill all those guys for AJ-”
“I killed them for you. They were looking for you. I wasn’t going to let that happen.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t stop shaking my head. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She shouldn’t have died like that. I should’ve stayed-”
He gripped my arms and anchored me in front of him. “Stop it, Emma. Stop it right now.”
“No. Why didn’t you take her to a safehouse? She could still be alive. Her baby could be alive!”
“Because there were too many of you. Too many variables. Too many consequences. I couldn’t trust them, any of them.”
“But—”
“Too many questions. They would’ve asked too many questions and they couldn’t have lived their lives. Your friend Amanda couldn’t have lived her life. Any of them, they could’ve stabbed us from the inside.” His tone gentled, “I don’t let just anyone in. You should know that, of all people.”
I shook my head. This wasn’t helping. “She shouldn’t have died—”
“Stop!”
“I handed her to him!” I yelled, yanking away from him. “I saved her from one monster and I gave her to another. She never had a chance. She never had a chance, Carter. How am I supposed to be okay with that? She was my best friend. She never drank. She never smoked. Guys were her thing. She went from one guy to the next. She was never loved and I...” I hadn’t stopped any of it.
“She wasn’t your responsibility.”
I glared at him. “Then you’re not my responsibility. Then I’m not your responsibility.”
A scowl came over him, but he remained silent.
“I loved her. She was family. She was my responsibility. She was broken. You have no idea.”
His eyebrow lifted. “I don’t know broken people? Bullshit.”
I froze at his anger.
“You’ve been broken since AJ died. You were broken even before that, when your parents died.”
I turned away. I didn’t want to hear this.
An arm came around my waist and he trapped me, pulling me backwards against his chest. He continued, speaking into my ear, “Maybe this isn’t the right time for this speech, but you’re not responsible for her. You never were. You cared about her and you tried to help her, but that’s all you could’ve done. You’re not a god. You’re definitely not her God. You did what you could do. You went above and beyond for your friend, something I’d be lucky to have. And I’m guessing that she knew it. She knew you were a good friend, but she probably knew you needed to save yourself. You did that. You can’t blame yourself.”
I whispered, “Why are you saying these things to me?”
“Because you can’t mourn her if you’re blaming yourself. I don’t want you locked there. You mean too much for me to let you do that to yourself.”
“Stop, Carter.”
His arms tightened, and he started kissing the back of my neck. His hand spread out and started caressing my stomach. “I won’t stop. I won’t ever stop. Don’t ask that from me. I love you, Emma.”
I loved him too. The power of that emotion swept through me and I sagged into him. He caught me and held me in place. He continued to kiss my neck as he whispered, “You’re mine. I won’t let you go. I won’t let you blame yourself for her death. You did what you could. It’s not your fault. It’s not.”
He held me as the tears began to fall. Carter carried me to bed and he stayed with me for the rest of the night. He got up at some point and I heard him on the phone. When he returned and got behind me again, he pressed a kiss to my shoulder. “I called Noah and told him what happened. He’ll tell Theresa you can’t go out tonight.”
Theresa.
I sat up. Amanda.
Carter sat with me. “What is it?”
“Amanda doesn’t know. I have to tell her.” A whole new storm started inside of me. I’d have to tell her what he did to Mallory, then I realized he never said what happened to Ben. “Did the police get him?”
A wall slammed over his gaze. His jaw clenched. “No. My men are looking for him.”
“Oh god.” He knew what I did.
Carter pulled me close. “My men will find him.”
And that meant Ben had to die. One more person. No matter what Carter said, I was responsible for all of it. Mallory was dead because of me. Jeremy Dunvan was dead at my hands and now Ben was going to die because of what he knew about me.
“I have to go to her now.”
“Amanda?”
I nodded, feeling a heavy burden on my chest.