Nick joined her in the water and pulled her against him, wanting her skin against his. “Tell me about these hunting trips.”
“Well, you know all shifters take their kids hunting; they shift into their animal forms and teach their kids how to hunt rabbits and other animals. Of course Stone couldn’t do that because he’s human. So he took me hunting with him in my human form. We used different weapons, eventually working up to shotguns and rifles. I like rifles best.”
“Your Alphas let you do that? Most shifters hate the use of weapons.”
“No, we weren’t allowed to hunt on pack territory. Occasionally, my dad would take me to a place called Oakdon Creek and rent the private hunting lodge there for a week. Well, ‘lodge’ isn’t really the right word. It was more like a huge rustic mansion. I used to love it—it was literally my favorite place in the world. It was peaceful and relaxing, yet wild and untamed. And it was my refuge too—or, at least, that was how it felt because they were the times when I wasn’t required to run around after my mother.”
“She had you doing that even as a kid?” Nick barely held back a growl.
Shaya shrugged, sliding her arms around his neck. “I was just a supply of attention to her.”
He rubbed a soothing hand up and down her upper back. “Do you and your dad still go on these trips?”
“No. When I was seventeen, the place was bought by a human company that hated shifters. They knew my dad belonged to a wolf pack and that I had to therefore be a half-shifter, so they saw him as a traitor and refused to let us rent the lodge anymore.”
Assholes. “How often did you used to come out here for some alone time?”
“I didn’t always come alone. Sometimes I’d bring Taryn. I also came here a lot with Marcus.” At Nick’s low growl, she quickly added, rolling her eyes, “We didn’t go swimming together. We just came and sat on that fallen tree over there whenever I needed to talk.”
“About what?” He found he didn’t like the idea of her confiding in another male.
“You. See, I never told anybody in the beginning. It was for two reasons, really. One, I was embarrassed and ashamed that my own mate didn’t appear to want me. Two, I knew that Taryn would break your nose and then the pack would force the claiming—I wanted you to come for me because you wanted me, no other reason. So I kept it to myself. But Marcus…He’d guessed I was upset about something, and he hounded me until I told him. Not out of nosiness; Marcus just has a very protective streak. He’s so easy to talk to that I found myself telling him about you being my true mate and stuff. Despite being an enforcer and very close to Trey, he kept the secret for me from even them.”
The idea of her feeling so embarrassed, of her carrying that painful secret around and feeling so unbelievably alone, almost put a lump in his throat. It also made him want to punch himself. “I’m glad you had someone here for you when I wasn’t.”
“Stop feeling guilty. You had your reasons; let it go.”
Like that would ever happen. Whether he’d meant to hurt her or not, he’d still caused his mate pain, and that was something he couldn’t forgive himself for. “Anyway, you don’t need Marcus anymore, you have me.”
“I can have friends too,” she chuckled.
He slid his hands down to cup that ass he loved. “Of course you can, and I’m sure you’ll still confide in them about things, but I’d like to think I’ll be your first port of call if you need to talk.”
That was when Shaya realized something—something she couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed before. “You feel threatened by my close friendship with Taryn.”
“Not threatened exactly. But I see how much more open you are with her than with anyone else.” And it hurt that she wasn’t that open with him. He’d told her when he claimed her that he wouldn’t allow her to hold back from him anymore, that he wanted all of her. And he did have all of her…but he didn’t have her total trust, and that was one of the most important things to him.
Feeling that it wounded him, she softly said, “I trust you as much as I trust her.”
“But?” He could tell there was one.
“But…it’s different with Taryn. I don’t mean she’s more important to me than you. It’s hard to explain.” After a short pause, she spoke. “She was there for me when I needed someone—since I was four, she’s been that one constant thing that I knew I could rely on. But really, I never relied on her; I wouldn’t let myself rely on anyone. She gave me the comfort of knowing that if I did want to rely on someone, she was there. But she would never demand it from me, so there was no pressure.
“With you…it’s something I have to give you at some point, but I don’t know how to emotionally rely on another person, how to trust them. I know I can rely on you, and I do in some ways. But holding back a little…it’s like my safety cushion. It means that if things mess up, I’ve kept a part of me safe, so it won’t utterly destroy me. I don’t know how to trust that I don’t need a safety cushion; that you’re all the safety I need. But I am trying. I really am.”
To some extent, Nick could understand that. He’d never relied on others either. As a child, it had been an act of defiance, a determination to be independent in every sense—most alphas were like that as kids. But then he’d gone to juvie and there had been no one to rely on; all he’d had was himself. When he’d been released from juvie, it was to be thrust into the position of Alpha and have others relying on him.
It could be said that Nick had ignored his own needs for a very long time, which had been helped along by his inability to fully connect with people. But with Shaya, he wanted that connection; he didn’t resent that she would be someone who would need to be able to rely on him. He liked the idea of being her source of security, just the way he liked how she balanced him out. Where he was unsociable and withdrawn, she was outgoing and had an ease with people. Where he was hard and remote, she was life and sensuality. Where he was often too serious and intense, she was light and laughter. She made him live, forced him to crack the shell he had around himself and try to accept others in his life.
No one else had ever gotten so close to him, because he hadn’t wanted them to. But he didn’t hold back with Shaya, never had. That was why it pained him so much that she didn’t feel totally safe with him. The fact that she considered him in some way a danger to her caused an ache in his chest.