“But you did get out.” And she was proud of him for that. How could he have thought she’d judge him for doing what most shifters would have done in his situation? Hell, Trey’s wolf went feral pretty often.
“I quickly realized that the guards were being paid to target certain shifters—most likely by relatives of the humans who’d been hurt at the shifter’s hands. So I encouraged all the shifters in the place to band together into one pack rather than existing in small groups. It gave us more protection. While each one of us always had someone looking out for them, it made it extremely hard for the guards to target anybody.”
“And you were their leader, their Alpha,” she easily guessed. He was a natural leader. He truly was born to be an Alpha…and yet he’d left that position behind for her. The question was for how long?
“At first, no. Another wolf acted as Alpha, but the other shifters didn’t really follow Merrick. They just didn’t want to challenge him, didn’t want a psycho on their case. And he made everybody’s life miserable in that way that bullies do.”
“So you challenged him.”
“I killed him.” And he’d always hate himself for it. “I didn’t mean to. I really, really didn’t. But he wouldn’t submit, wouldn’t back down. He was enjoying the fight, the blood, even the pain—it was weird. Merrick was totally messed up in the head. It went too far.”
Shaya’s voice was soft, nonjudgmental. “If he wouldn’t submit, what choice did you have?”
“It’s still more blood on my hands, Shay. Like I said, Merrick was messed up…but did he really deserve to die for that? He was only fifteen years old.”
“And you were only thirteen, and you were in a life-or-death situation. You chose your own life over his. Anyone else would have done the same thing.” To her dismay, he didn’t look convinced of that; too much guilt stained his expression. “It can’t have been easy to tell me all of that. Thank you.” He simply shrugged. “How did you end up becoming Alpha of the Ryland Pack?”
“My family moved there while I was in juvie—they didn’t want to be near the bad memories. Unfortunately, it was taken over by another Alpha three years after they settled there. He was the type to rule by fear and intimidation. He punished the slightest transgressions, caused divides within the pack, isolated the weaker members, and forced many of them to fight in the underground fighting club he owned—including Eli.
“After spending nine years cooped up in that f**ked-up place, my wolf wasn’t in the best frame of mind. Leaving juvie to find my family suffering like that…it knocked him over the edge. I challenged and killed the Alpha”—more blood on his hands—“but I didn’t want the position. The trouble was that no one else wanted it. The pack was a mess, and no one wanted the responsibility of fixing it. I’d killed their Alpha. I had no choice but to do what was right by them and take that position. So I did.”
Shaya could only begin to imagine how hard it must have been for him to have come straight out of juvie only to find himself suddenly Alpha of a pack. It was more or less exchanging one prison for another. Being Alpha was a huge responsibility; everyone else came first, and he always had to be strong for the pack, no matter his own problems. Nick had never had time of his own, never had a breather. Maybe this little vacation from the position would be good for him. She couldn’t allow herself to trust that this was anything more than a vacation.
“Told you it wasn’t a pretty story.”
Shaya swallowed hard. “You protected your sister. No one can blame you for that. No one can blame your wolf for turning feral at a time like that.”
His short laugh was bitter. “I hadn’t turned feral, Shay. I knew exactly what I was doing. I didn’t have to kill one of them. I didn’t even have to hurt any of them. They were spooked enough by me shifting that they were ready to make a run for it—they’d clearly been confident that I wouldn’t shift. But I wasn’t satisfied with scaring them off. I killed that human because I wanted to, just like I attacked the two who had tried restraining me because I wanted to. If people hadn’t turned up and intervened, I might have done more than maim them.”
A chill suddenly came over Shaya. But, oddly enough, it wasn’t because of his confession. It was because of how lonely he looked right then. She understood loneliness all too well. Could she really blame him for wanting to hurt people who had intended to rape his little sister? A twelve-year-old girl? Maybe other people would have, but Shaya found that she couldn’t. “Of course you wanted to hurt them. They—”
“I’m not sorry I did it, Shay.” It was better to find out now if she could or couldn’t accept him as he truly was. He knew, however, that if she tried using this to push him even further away, it wouldn’t work. “I never have been. Not even when I was put in that hellhole, not even when I thought I’d die there…I wasn’t sorry. I don’t think I ever will be.”
There was that loneliness in his expression and voice again, that feeling of not having anyone who could understand and accept him. He was wrong. “I think of Taryn as a sister, and I know that if anyone tried to hurt her, I’d be prepared to stab them through the f**king heart.”
Seeing the vigor in her expression, he could believe that. “You’re half human, Shay. Those people I hurt are half yours.”
“But I’m half shifter, too. And they tried to hurt your sister and you. That’s not something I would ever find excusable.” He was hers, whether she wanted him to claim her or not. He was still hers, and the idea of anyone hurting him simply wasn’t something she could ever tolerate or forgive.
The total lack of recrimination was a balm to his wolf’s scarred soul. Nick wanted nothing more than to take her mouth, but he forced himself to resist. Needing some sort of contact, he leaned his forehead against hers and traced her cheekbone with the tip of his finger. “See, you deserve better. But I’m going nowhere. I know that makes me selfish. I know another male shifter might have walked away. But I can’t do that, Shay. I tried it once—it didn’t work. Don’t you get it yet? My life’s worth shit without you in it.”
She did her best to ignore his words, to not let them worm their way inside her—she really, really did—but they crept into that lonely spot she had, warming it. The possessiveness in his eyes melted her wolf. As he rubbed his thumb over her bottom lip, Shaya almost shuddered. Having him invade her personal space like this, touching her, should have annoyed her, but it was instead arousing her. Her ni**les were hard, and her clit was tingling. God, she had been one big G-spot since he arrived. The wise thing would have been to pull back, but she sensed that the physical contact was calming him, chasing back the memories. How could she refuse to do that for him? Besides, if she was honest, she didn’t want to pull back anyway.