SO sank to the floor next to me, throwing his arm around my shoulder. “No worries, Harper. Men can be boneheads sometimes. He’ll come around, you’ll see.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head back and forth, “not this time.” I won’t. I wiped the tears from my eyes. SO removed a handkerchief from his pocket, deftly earning his nickname. I laughed without humor.
“What happened?” He asked kindly.
“I can’t say,” I said. “Just trust me?” I turned to face him.
“Of course,” he said, squeezing my shoulder. I could tell he was trying to decide whether or not he should try to pry a little further but he respected me enough not to.
“I can’t stay the night with him, SO. Do you think you could get Cherry for me?”
SO’s eyes widened before he stood up and went into Charlie’s flat.
This wasn’t supposed to happen, he’d said, confirming the only real fear I’d ever felt my entire life. I felt so foolish. I stupidly felt like I could somehow make our arrangement more than what it really was. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that men didn’t do anything they don’t want to and it works the same in reverse. When a man wants something, he’ll do anything to get it. I should have known that if Callum wanted me he would have taken me...a long time ago.
I felt like an even bigger fool knowing that I was scrunched down in Charlie’s hallway by myself when John Bell was out to kill me or take me or whatever plans he had for me. I visibly shivered. I wanted neither. Understatement. That’s when I realized I couldn’t stay at Cherry’s because John would know that Cherry was part of The Ivories. I needed an alternative arrangement. The door opened just as I was deciding to ask Marty if I could stay at hers.
When I looked up, Callum, Cherry, and SO came out. “Crap,” I said out loud, earning me a look of admonishment from Cherry.
“We’ll just be in here,” Cherry said, pulling SO with her back inside. He tried to protest but Cherry would have none of it.
I stood quickly, faced Callum, and knew immediately that his face was the most beautiful but most painful thing I could possibly look at...ever. I hadn’t realized it but I was retreating backwards, slowly. Callum followed me just as slowly, watching me closely, afraid I’d flee.
“Wait,” he said, holding a hand out.
I don’t know why, but I took it.
“What are we going to do?” He asked, grasping my hand.
“I - I’m not sure,” I told him, on the verge of losing control.
“Do we go back to pretending?” He said, shocking my heart. “That we’re married?”
“Is there much of a point now that John Bell knows of our identities?”
Something washed over his face, startling me. Relief? Hurt? I couldn’t tell.
“I suppose not,” he said, “but...”
“But?”
“But we’ll at least stay friends, right Harper?” He softly slid his hand up to grab my upper arm, sending an alarming pain to the center of my chest, unbeknownst to him.
I had to step back to be rid of the pain. He looked hurt but not as much as I was.
“I don’t know. Can we? We both know that when one friend is in love with the other, it never bodes well,” I said bluntly.
Callum’s shoulders hung limply in defeat at my statement, no doubt feeling guilty for not being able to give back what I wanted so badly to get.
I couldn’t stop myself and ran to him, throwing my arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” I said. “I don’t think I can live without you, Callum. Despite everything, you’re still my best friend.”
He squeezed his arms around my back and held me close. “I can’t do it either. Maybe it’s not healthy,” he stops, choking on his words. “No, I know it’s not healthy but I can’t do it. I can’t leave you.”
I cried harder. “Can we still live together, Callum? Do we,” I gulped. “Do we stay married?”
“I think we remain roommates. If you can do it, I can do it.”
“And our marriage?” I asked, tearing my face from his now wet t-shirt and peering up at him.
He closed his eyes and sighed loudly. “I think we should divorce,” he said.
The word hangs in the air like a noose. A new wave of pain inundates me and I sob harder into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Callum. I wish I could change how I feel.” I wish I wasn’t so in love with you. But I don’t say it. I can’t. It’s too fresh to say the word out loud.
“Shh,” he says, wrapping his arms tighter around my torso. “Me too,” he whispers.
Callum
This wasn’t supposed to be how it happened, I thought. I felt so foolish. I stupidly felt like I could somehow make our arrangement more than what it really was and I had forgotten how to be a man. I wanted her - more than anything - I wanted her to be mine and was too much of a coward to take what I wanted from the beginning. I could have spared myself all this heartache if I’d only been honest with her from the start.
“Callum!” I heard over the street noise below. “Callum!” It’s Cherry but I can’t muster the voice to call back to her. It doesn’t matter because she and SO find me anyway. “What are you doing out here?” She asks, climbing through the window, SO following behind her.
“Harper’s out in the hall crying, Callum,” SO says, eyeing me carefully, folding his arms across his chest. I can see he wants to accuse me of something but he’s waiting for a preemptive explanation. I don’t give anything. There’s nothing to tell. What am I going to say? SO, I fake married Harper yet, still, foolishly fell in love with her but she doesn’t feel the same way. No, I don’t think so. “She’s crying like I’ve never seen her cry. Did you - you didn’t cheat on her, did you?”
Cherry hits SO’s shoulder in my defense. “SO!”
“Ow! What?” He asks, rubbing where she hit. “I’ve never seen Harper so upset!”
“Callum,” Cherry said, “she’s out in the hall by herself. It’s not exactly ideal since, well I don’t want to bring it up but John Bell. She shouldn’t be alone.”
I shot up like a light and sped through the apartment with both Cherry and SO close on my heels. We opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief, she’s alive and well. ‘Crap’, she says. What a strange situation we’d found ourselves in. Cherry escorts SO back into the apartment, leaving us alone.
She stands quickly, facing me, and I knew immediately that her face was the most beautiful and most painful thing I would possibly look at...ever. She slowly stepped backwards toward the elevators. I follow her, memorizing her every move. I hold out my hand and, surprisingly, she takes it.
“What are we going to do?” I asked.
“I - I’m not sure,” she said, wary.
“Do we go back to pretending?” I asked. “That we’re married?”
“Is there much of a point now that John Bell knows of our identities?” She said, stunning my heart to a still. Her words shoot through me like a poison tipped arrow. Mortally wounding. The effects, I’m afraid, contort my face but I try my hardest to fix it before I hurt her own feelings.
“I suppose not,” I said, “but...”
“But?” She asks, her eyebrows raised.
“But we’ll at least stay friends, right Harper?” I softly grab her arm, sending an alarming pain to the center of my chest, unbeknownst to her.
She steps back to put distance between us, piercing me yet again.
“I don’t know. Can we?” She asks. “We both know that when one friend is in love with the other, it never bodes well.”
It seemed careless, her statement, its damaging effects making my shoulders hang limply. She cut me down once again. She knows I’m in love with her, she just said it with her own words and she’s reminding me she can’t return the favor.
Seemingly in regret, she throws her arms around my neck, sobbing into my shoulder. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” she said. “I don’t think I can live without you, Callum. Despite everything, you’re still my best friend.”
I squeezed my arms around her small back and held her close, pretending she was mine. “I can’t do it either. Maybe it’s not healthy.” I stopped, choking on my words. “No, I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t do it. I can’t leave you.”
She cries harder. “Can we still live together, Callum? Do we,” she gulped. “Do we stay married?”
“I think we remain roommates. If you can do it, I can do it,” I said, coming to terms with what I must say next.
“And our marriage?” She asks, tearing her face from my t-shirt and peering up at me.
I close my eyes and sigh loudly. “I think we should divorce,” I say thickly.
The word hangs in the air like a noose. A new wave of pain inundates me
“I’m so sorry, Callum,” she said. “I wish I could change how I feel.”
Me too but I wish more that I wasn’t so in love with you. But I don’t say it. I can’t. It’s too fresh to say the word out loud.
“Shh,” I say, wrapping my arms tighter around her torso. “Me too,” I whispered.
Chapter Fifteen
Boo
Callum
Harper and I met our insurance adjuster at our burned down apartment. Seeing it in the light was so much worse, making Harper and I all sorts of crazy depressed. We took our check to the bank and stood in line, together yet alone with our thoughts. Things were extremely awkward now that our friendship was so defined. We had no idea how to act around one another. I could only hope that these new boundaries would be what it took to help me fall out of love with Harper, though I knew that was unlikely.
I accidentally bumped into her and apologized like we were strangers. She waved it off as an accident and refused eye contact whereas before she would have stomped my foot in playful response and laughed whole-heartedly. I wanted my old Harper back. Then again, the old Harper drove me crazy with want.
After the check was deposited, Harper and I agreed with a strange sort of politeness that we should look for a new apartment...one with two bedrooms since ‘we make a little bit more money now, we can afford it and that will allow us privacy’, she’d said, leaving a rotten taste in my mouth but I mindlessly agreed. We looked for new apartments and found a decent one in a building similar to our old one, lots of old history, lots of tile and wood and plaster. This one had a doorman though, which was nice.
We got a two bedroom with two full bathrooms, making it possible never to see one another once during a school day. I’d have to get used to it sometime, I guessed. Slowly weaning myself off of her seemed like a good idea in my head but my heart couldn’t help but thump wildly in protest. The week we were off school, we did our work at night, never seeing one another except once when I needed to get a water from the fridge and Harper happened to come out as I did for the same. We clumsily danced around the other when I tried to leave and she tried to enter, both laughing stiffly. I basically sprinted toward my room and never emerged after that.
