It was such a simple question but pierced Tristan’s armor as he realized that months ago, Josiah wouldn’t have asked it. Which meant he felt comfortable enough around Tristan to speak more openly. The knowledge was equal parts humbling and frustrating. “Any of my personal relationships with men or family are a permanent veto.”
“No.” Josiah shook his head. “I meant, why would you let me stay here? Why would you offer to help me?”
Tristan took a second to study him. To really see the younger man. His cheeks were pink, though he doubted Josiah knew it. Determination set in his jaw, and kindness danced in his expressive eyes. There was something so very...innocent, and genuine, about him. Even the way he was with feeding the birds. Tristan had never known anyone like that.
Because you deserve it. Because if I don’t, someone else might try to, might snuff out the kindness in your eyes. “I don’t know. Because I can?” And then he decided Josiah deserved at least a partial truth. “I want to. I was never exactly like you, was never so caring, but I was closer than I am now. I don’t want you to lose it.”
Those words made everything too much. Suddenly needing a little space, he turned and headed toward the other room. “I have some work to do. Make yourself at home. We’ll talk more when I’m done.”
If Josiah answered, Tristan didn’t hear it. He took the steps two at a time, going straight to his office and closing the door behind him.
***
Tristan spent almost two hours going over case notes he already had memorized by heart. The whole time, he waited for the tension to ease out of his muscles the way it usually did when he worked but it never happened.
It wasn’t often that he let himself think about Wilson and the things he’d done during those years of his life. The things he had allowed to be done to him for the security he now had. But then, his mother hadn’t had much of a choice when she’d sold herself. When she’d lose a job and have no other way to put food in their mouths except for letting men use her body.
And he’d been too young to do much of anything to help.
Fingers. Pulse. One, two, three, four, five.
No one would make him helpless again. At least he’d known what he was getting into. At least he’d had a choice.
Buzz!
Tristan’s hand slapped down on his cell, picking it off the table and pressing it to his ear. “Croft.”
“No shit.” Ben laughed.
“Christ, not you. This isn’t a good time.”
“When is it ever a good time with you? Do you have any fun out there in California? You sound like you’re in a worse mood every time I speak to you. Maybe I could have helped if you would’ve let me see you when I was in town a few months ago. Those California boys must not know what they’re doing.”
“Or maybe we don’t all think with our dicks the way you do.”
Another laugh from Ben. “That’s a shame, Tristan. If I remember correctly, you were very good with yours.”
Tristan sighed and propped his elbows on this desk. Words teased the tip of his tongue. What do I do? There’s a boy here I want that I can’t have. I’m in over my head. Hell, maybe Ben was right. Maybe he did need to go out and get laid.
“What’s wrong with you, Croft? You just passed up a prime opportunity to give me hell, or to hang up on me, and you didn’t take it.”
The truth was, he wouldn’t do any of the things he thought of. He wouldn’t talk to Ben, and he probably wouldn’t go get laid. “Nothing. I’m busy. Do you ever work? I—”
“Tristan?” Josiah knocked on his office door.
“Shit.” He held a hand over the phone and put it in his lap. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
Ben was already speaking when Tristan put the phone back to his ear. “There’s someone there with you...” His voice trailed off as though he tried to make sense of it. “You have a man in your house, Tristan, don’t you? And I swear to God, if you hang up on me, I will jump on a plane today.”
Tristan dropped his head back. “The only reason I’m humoring you is because I have no doubt you’ll show up. It’s not what you’re thinking, so put it out of your mind.”
“And you didn’t hang up on me. You really don’t want me to come.”
Ben paused and Tristan took advantage. He kept his voice low and spoke. “I said it’s not what you think. He’s a kid. Twenty-four years old. I’m helping him out. It’s nothing more than that.”