“Okay.” But before Josiah could do anything, Mateo pulled him closer and kissed him. Holy shit, he’d never get tired of kissing him. Josiah pushed closer to him, went up on this toes as he kept Mateo’s body between his and the counter.
Teo let him take over the kiss. Let Josiah take the lead as his tongue slipped into Mateo’s mouth. Josiah tasted like coffee, telling him he’d already had a drink or two.
After pressing two more kisses to Josiah’s lips, Teo let him pull away so Josiah could make him his drink. Mateo changed into a pair of sweats. Ignoring the loud music from other apartments, and the sounds from the crazy streets outside, they sat in the middle of the bed and played a game of chess, drinking their espressos.
His life felt so normal at times like this, when he’d never had normal before. Shit was broken and fucked up, but they were broken together, and that meant something to him. Teo wouldn’t let anyone take this away from them.
“You’re being quiet,” Josiah said to him as he moved the chessboard to the floor.
“Are you happy?” Mateo asked. “I know it’s not your dream. I want that for you, and we’ll get it one day. And the apartment, it’s shitty, and my job...Fuck. Was that a stupid question? When I start thinkin’ about all the stuff you don’t have...”
“I have you. The other stuff doesn’t matter. I love you, Teo. That’s all I need to be happy.”
Mateo shook his head. “You’re too easy.” But then he threaded his fingers through the hair at the back of Josiah’s head and pulled him forward.
“Te amo.”
Josiah crawled closer. When Mateo tried to kiss him, he pulled back, but then climbed onto Mateo’s lap, straddling him. “I wanna...you know. I want to be with you.” Shyly, his eyes darted away.
All the blood rushed to Mateo’s crotch. He wanted that, too. Wanted it so fucking bad. It wasn’t that they didn’t mess around, because they did. It just didn’t feel right going all the way with Josiah. He deserved better than that. Better than some fifty-year-old couch mattress with drug dealers and gangbangers outside their apartment. Hell, he deserved better than having a drug dealer inside him.
Mateo tried to laugh it off. “You can’t even say it. That should tell us it’s not time.”
He tried to get up but Josiah wrapped his arms around Mateo’s neck, his voice strengthening. “I want to have sex with you. I want to make love with you.”
Mateo groaned, suddenly feeling like he sat in an oven. “You think I don’t want that, Jay? I just...doin’ right by you is all I’ve ever wanted. The only thing I wanna get right. This,” he pointed around the room. “You deserve better than this shit. When I...” Mateo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wrapped his arms around Josiah, as Josiah buried his face in Mateo’s neck.
“You wanna know how I lost my virginity, Jay? In a dirty-ass room just like this one, I fucked a girl while my dad watched. The next day I fucked another one, and another one, ‘til he believed it was what I wanted. That he’d never find another magazine with guys in it hidden in my room. I was only thirteen years old.”
Mateo shivered, his neck cold because of Josiah’s tears. “I want it to be better for you.”
Josiah’s head jerked away from him. “We are better than that. You love me and I love you. And maybe I want more for you, too. You’re always talking about what you want for me, and how I deserve better, but you do, too. You deserve better. We can take away those memories with us.”
He tasted salt on his tongue when Josiah kissed him. All Mateo’s reservations melted away with each sweep of Josiah’s tongue, each time it brushed against his.
He wanted that, too. Wanted to wipe away all his bad memories and replace them with Josiah.
Mateo pulled back enough so his eyes could meet Josiah’s.
“Please, Teo. Please.”
They’d gone over this before. Mateo always stopped before they went all the way. They’d had their mouths on each other, and showered together, but he never let it go too far. Always wanted Josiah to have an out if he needed it, but this time, he couldn’t say no.
Mateo pulled Jay’s shirt off and dropped it on the bed. Then he took off his own before rolling them so Josiah lay beneath him. His smaller body felt so good, so right, against him.
“I um... I got the stuff while I was out today.” Josiah’s finger brushed over his scar.
“What?” Mateo couldn’t stop from grinning down at him. “You put a lot of thought into this.”