He didn’t look up, didn’t look at the bed until he stepped up to it. His hands shook. His throat hurt, though he didn’t know why.
When he almost ran into the bed, he stopped. Stopped and forced himself to look at what had happened because he hadn’t protected her when he was younger, because he told her that she should try to go outside again.
Tristan’s legs went weak, his knees buckling. Thank God. It wasn’t her.
He couldn’t believe it wasn’t her. The tightness in his throat eased up, the shakiness in his hands still going crazy. It wasn’t fucking her, which meant she was still out there...but at least she could still be alive.
I can make it up to her.
And if he could make it up to her, maybe he could really have Josiah and Mateo, as well.
“Mr. Croft?” A doctor walked into the room.
“It’s not her.” But she was still someone’s mother. Someone’s daughter, sister, or friend.
“Good. I’m so glad. We—”
“Dr. West, I’m sorry to interrupt, but we just had an ambulance come in. Woman in room two. They had to strap her down. Doesn’t seem to be drugs, but she’s combative.”
Dr. West left the room, Tristan right behind him. He didn’t know why, but the faster the doctor went, the faster he did. He followed right behind the doctor, stopping in front of room two.
“Tristan! Help!” His mom thrashed around on the bed.
“Watch out! Be careful with her.” He shoved his way into the room. His mom’s eyes locked on him and he saw the shock there, realized she called for him before she even knew he was there.
Tristan shoved his way over to her. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m here.”
“We’re going to have to give her something,” Dr. West said.
He watched as they stuck a needle into her arm. She looked up at him and whispered, “Tristan. I knew you’d come.”
***
Tristan was still sitting by her bed two days later when she turned her head to the side and smiled at him. Her voice was low and broken when she spoke. “Well, I left the house. It would have helped if I didn’t get lost. Would also help if they took these straps off me.”
“That’s not funny.”
She sighed. “I know.”
“What were you thinking?”
It took her a minute to reply. “That I wanted to live. I haven’t lived in so long, Tristan. I don’t know if I ever have, and I want that. I didn’t realize how much until I saw you with Josiah and Mateo.”
He pulled back at her words.
“Yes. Him, too. I don’t care who you’re with, as long as you’re happy. That’s all that’s ever mattered to me, and screw anyone else who might have a problem with it. One look at you boys and I knew. But, sweetheart.” She tried to reach for him but couldn’t because her arms were strapped down. Tristan grabbed ahold of her hand.
“You’re still not fully living, either. You might be going through the motions. You might be happier, but I realized at dinner you’re still not fully living. You don’t let them in, and I thought...” Tears rolled down her face and he wiped them away for her.
“I thought that if I could do it, if I could get past all my problems, it might make it easier for you. You’re still holding yourself responsible for all my mistakes, and you can’t do that. Not anymore. If you don’t let go of your past, you’re going to lose them, and yourself, too.”
She tried to smile again. “I guess I didn’t think my plan through very well.”
Tristan couldn’t stop thinking about what she said. Hearing her words repeat over and over in his head. Let go of your past. Lose them.
He couldn’t let himself lose them.
“I don’t understand it,” he said, elbows on her bed, looking down. “How I can need them both. Mateo...I haven’t even known him for long.”
“So?” she said sleepily. They were keeping her heavily medicated. “There aren’t laws for emotions, Tristan. There isn’t a magical timeframe where it’s okay to fall in love with someone or okay to fall out of it. Emotions don’t play by rules. That’s what makes them so incredible.”
Her chin quivered. “Don’t let your life pass you by. Don’t be like me. Even now, I’m scared. So scared, Tristan. I don’t want that for you. I couldn’t live with that.”
For the first time since he was a child, Tristan leaned forward and kissed his mom’s cheek. He wanted to do just what she said. Wanted to live...Wanted to let go and trust them. Trust them to catch him. “I’ll do my best,” he said, and she smiled at that.