He looked down at his hands, remembering all the things he’d done. How he’d screwed up and everything in between. Just like before, Josiah saw shit in him that wasn’t there. Calling him on it wouldn’t change things, so he didn’t.
Josiah reached for Mateo’s hand. He let him take it, let him pull him so Mateo leaned against him, who still rested against the counter. “No matter what we went through, I was happy. It was hard, and I’m not saying that I wasn’t ever scared or upset, but overall, I was happy. I’d never known what it was like to really belong until you, Teo.”
No, those were the words he would live off of. The ones that would keep him going forever.
Mateo closed his eyes, leaned forward, and pressed a kiss to Josiah’s neck. “Me too, mi precioso. I’ve only ever belonged with you.” As true as those words were, they still sounded wrong to his ears, felt wrong in his chest. Being in this house, being with not just Josiah but Tristan, too...fuck if he didn’t feel like he belonged with both of them. If he didn’t want Tristan to own a part of him...the way he wanted a part of Tristan.
“I see the way you look at him. I see the way he looks at you, too. You guys are both so much alike, who knows if you’ll ever admit how much you want each other. Even if...even if I wasn’t around, and you guys met, you would have somehow ended up in this house.”
Mateo jerked back at that. “What the fuck are you talking ‘bout, Jay?”
Josiah held him, not letting him pull away. “How much in our lives has ever really made sense? We somehow ended up at the same home. Molly got sick, right after you turned eighteen, leading us to the city, and then here. Maybe most things, the important things, don’t really have to make sense. Maybe they just are.
“Feeling something for Tristan, no matter how new it is, doesn’t change how you feel about me. I know that because no matter how much I love him, I love you just as much. I know there are things you guys have both been through that I probably won’t ever understand, or that maybe you won’t ever tell me, but if you can share it with anyone, I want it to be each other. There are things I have with you that I don’t have with Tristan, and things I have with him that I don’t have with you. It’s like, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m really whole, Teo.”
Words got stuck in his throat. Damned if he didn’t know everything Josiah just said was true. And... “Me, too. Fuck, me too, Jay.”
Mateo left no space between them, Josiah tightly squeezed between his body and the counter before kissing him. It was a slow kiss, full of everything he had.
“I don’t carry them anymore, my queen and my bird. I don’t have to carry them, because I don’t need them when I have both of you.”
Mateo’s chest swelled, feeling full. “You always make me get so fuckin’ emotional. I’d get my ass beat if anyone saw me the way I am with you.” He laughed, and Josiah did the same before pulling back.
“What’s with the camera?” Josiah asked. “You have it with you a lot.”
He reached for it, and Mateo almost pulled it away but he didn’t, instead letting Josiah into this new part of him. “It’s nothin’, really. Just something I started doing. Things look different to me when I look at them through a camera. I try to capture it but it doesn’t always work.”
Josiah turned it on, flipping through all the images. Mateo’s skin started to feel tight as though Josiah was dissecting him.
“Holy shit. Do you know how incredible these are? They’re beautiful.”
Suddenly, he didn’t feel so on display anymore. Or maybe it was that he didn’t mind. “Here, lemme show you the one I took today.”
After they moved to the table, Mateo showed Josiah the picture of the hearts. Then they went through all the images again, and he told Josiah stories about a lot of them. When they were finished, Josiah said, “You should try and do something with these. I’ve never seen you so passionate about something.”
He didn’t know what he could ever do with them, but still he said, “Yeah. Maybe. When does Tristan get home?”
Josiah smiled. “A little over an hour, I think. I was about to start dinner. Want to help me?”
Yeah...Yeah, he actually did.
Chapter Seventeen
Tristan
Tristan got off work early and decided to stop in to see his mom before he went home. He’d been going more often since she called about the soup over a month ago. He couldn’t imagine never leaving his home, being so afraid of the world or afraid of what you’d seen that you couldn’t face it. His whole life he’d felt lonely, but it couldn’t compare to how she must be feeling. He should be seeing her every day. Maybe the depression would go away if he visited more often. Maybe she could get better.