Then I needed to find Valentine.
And once I’d spoken to her, when she’d done what I’d asked, only then would I let myself feel something.
Now, I needed that nothing.
So I held onto it as I made it down the stairs and moved directly to Apollo’s study.
I didn’t hesitate to knock.
I also didn’t hesitate to put my hand to the knob, turn it and move into the room when I heard him call, “Come.”
The minute I entered I noted that he was alone. He was at his desk, his head bent to some paper he was scribbling on.
And in that second I entered, my feeling of nothingness took another hit because at one glance, I knew that I missed him. I missed everything about him including watching him do something ordinary, like scribble on paper, and marveling at how beautiful he could be doing it.
The second after I came through the door, his head came up, his expression changed and he dropped his quill.
I blocked out his expression.
I needed to. If I didn’t, I’d feel something.
And not a little something.
I couldn’t allow myself to do that.
So I didn’t
“Close the door, dove,” he called quietly as he straightened from the desk.
I did as bid, steeling myself against him calling me “dove.”
I’d missed that too.
I closed the door and positioned to stand in front of it, holding my cloak over my arm, my gloves tight in my hand.
Apollo moved to the front of his desk, his eyes on me as he did, and there he stopped.
“Will you come here?” he asked.
So Apollo, wanting me to go to him.
As irritating as that could be, I missed that too.
“No, thank you,” I answered.
I saw his jaw clench.
He did this holding my gaze and he gave it a moment before he stated, “I said some things.”
“Yes, you did,” I agreed matter-of-factly.
He registered my tone immediately. I knew it because I saw his almost imperceptible flinch before he recovered and went on.
“I regret them, poppy.”
I made no reply.
“I was worried about you,” he told me.
I remained silent.
“And when we found him, Christophe shared things that were troubling.”
I said nothing.
“I had many weighty matters on my mind. Too many, all at once.”
I held my silence.
Apollo started toward me, saying, “Alas, my dove, I took that out on you.”
I finally broke my silence and he stopped moving when I said, “I’d actually prefer it if you stayed over there.”
“Maddie—” he started, his voice soft, sweet.
I couldn’t allow myself to hear that either.
If I did, his voice would definitely make me feel more than nothing.
So I interrupted him by announcing, “I want to go home.”
His body stilled. All of it, top to toe. I watched the power of it still completely and it must be said, it was a remarkable sight.
Then I watched it come alert and that was even more remarkable.
But (I told myself) neither of these made me feel anything.
“You are home,” he said quietly.
“I’m not,” I returned. “I’m in Karsvall, your home. Karsvall is in Lunwyn, your country. In the Northlands, your continent. All of that is in your world. I want to go back to my world.”
He again started moving toward me, his eyes locked to mine. “I spoke harshly to you. I said things I deeply regret. It was inexcusable, Madeleine, and I apologize.”
He meant that. Every word. I knew it. I knew by the way he was looking at me and I knew by the way his words sounded.
He meant it a great deal.
But it didn’t make me feel a thing.
Or, at least that’s what I told myself.
Instead, I held my ground and held his gaze. “I appreciate that. Now, if you’d lead me to Valentine, I’ll be requesting that she send me home.”
He stopped two feet in front of me and studied me closely.
I could read the anger in his eyes. Controlled anger.
I could also see the worry.
That was uncontrolled.
“You can’t think I’d simply allow you return to your world,” he remarked.
“No, I can’t think that,” I agreed. “You’ll only allow me do what you want me to do. You have a way with getting your way and I have a way of giving it to you. I must admit, I’ve been too in pain to think about this rationally over the last couple of days. But just moments ago, on my way to you, it all became very clear what I have to do and where I have to be. Now, I’ve just had a lovely time with Élan, a time we both enjoyed. I’m not happy to leave her but I’m hoping that will be a nice memory to leave her with.”
And I hoped it was.
When I was gone, I knew she’d miss me. She liked me. It would be a blow.
But better I leave now than later when her father sent me away.
As for me, I couldn’t think about how leaving Élan would feel.
So I didn’t
Without pause, I kept going.
“And I happened on Christophe. I hope the words I found to say to him have helped in some way, though that’s doubtful. But I only have one choice and it’s not a good one, but it’s the right one. Since Valentine is here, regardless of what you’d let me do, Apollo, she’s the one who has the power to send me back and I’ll be asking her to do it.”
I could feel the emotion emanating from him. It wasn’t good emotion. It was frightening emotion. But I told myself I didn’t feel that either.
“You are not safe in the other world,” he reminded me.
“I’m not safe here,” I reminded him.
He shook his head. “What I said to you was unwarranted, Madeleine, this is true. But you strike back by committing the same sin? Inflicting your own wounds in this way? After all we’ve shared, all we’ve become to one another, asking with not one ounce of emotion to leave me?”
“What you said was inexcusable, unwarranted and unforgivable,” I replied, holding his eyes and squaring my shoulders. “I’ll not accept Pol’s physical abuse for a decade only to come here and allow his twin to verbally abuse me.”
I heard his sharp intake of breath even as his torso straightened abruptly and the mood in the room, already not good, degenerated further.
I told myself I didn’t feel that either.
“I’ve said this before but I will remind you again. I am not him, Maddie,” he said shortly.
“You aren’t,” I stated on a sharp nod. “You strike out in a different way that’s just as undeserved and perhaps not as physically painful, but it still hurts.”