As he started to walk back towards the hallway we came from, my mouth fell open. What had just happened? He was there, he was with me and he was present, but now he was gone. In a blink of an eye, he was back to the robotic blank mask he wore to the rest of the world.
As he grabbed his keys, I lunged for them and snatched them from his hand.
He blinked in surprise. “Alex?”
Then I turned and hurled them down the farthest hallway. It was my time to show my anger, and I seethed at him with my hands in fists. My shoulders heaved up and down and my heart threatened to pound itself from my chest again.
“Alex?” He was so quiet, so soft.
“Don’t you dare,” I snapped at him. I yanked my hands through my hair and pulled at the ends. Pain blasted through me, but I welcomed it. Hell, I relished it. It was a relief now. “You make me a sandwich, Ethan’s sandwich, and then you push me away again. You don’t get to do that anymore. I cared about him, too!”
His face shuttered closed again.
I knew he was going to turn around. As he did, I caught his shoulder and threw him back. Then I pushed him against a wall and yelled in his face, “I loved him, too! He was my brother—”
“He was my brother!” His hands found my shoulders, but he held on. “He was there through everything, through my mom, through my dad’s affairs. Everything. He was there.”
“Say his name.”
“What?” He froze.
“Say his name.”
His hands let loose as if they’d been burned. He flattened himself against the wall.
“Say his name.”
He shook his head.
“Jesse.”
Then he brushed past me. As I tried to block him, his body hit mine backwards. I cried out from the pain and fell against the wall, but I couldn’t look away. My hand went to my shoulder where it stung, but every cell in my body went on alert. I couldn’t look away from the haunted expression in his eyes. He didn’t know that he had hurt me. I watched as he seemed locked in some memory. His lips moved, but nothing came out.
Then I reached out and touched his arm. I pleaded in a tender voice, “Tell me. Please.”
He started to shake his head, but his voice wrung out, “I feel him, you know. All the time.”
I blinked back rapid tears. Then I choked out, “Me, too.”
His jaw clenched. “I feel him at school, too. I can’t get away from him. The only time is when I’m with you.” Then he looked up. There was an extra layer of wetness over his eyes. The tears were there, brimming to be shed. “But that makes no sense. I should feel him when I’m with you. You’re the only other person to—”
My phone peeled out a shrill ring at that moment. I threw my hands up and let loose a few curses. It was the worst timing, but all the fight left me when I saw who was on the other end. I went numb as I answered it. “Dad?”
“Your, uh…” He cleared his throat. His voice sounded rough. “Your mother is in the hospital. She swallowed a bunch of pills.”
“What?” I gasped. All thought ceased. Flashbacks from Ethan’s accident flooded me and I struggled to hear what else he was saying.
“…keeping her for observation…a seventy-two hour hold…coffee…”
And then he hung up.
I stared at the phone in my hand. Suddenly, I couldn’t remember answering it in the first place, and I frowned at it. What was I doing with my phone? As I looked around, I saw Jesse. His hands were shoved deep in his jeans’ pockets and he was watching me with a fierce frown.
Then I remembered it again.
“What’d your dad want?”
“Ethan was in a car accident.” The words spilled from my lips.
Wait—I frowned. That wasn’t right.
I’d been at a party with Marissa and Angie. It was my turn for the drinking game and the phone pulled me away. For a split second, I thought about ignoring my dad’s call. What did he want? I was having fun, but then Angie nudged me with her shoulder and when I answered, I heard those same exact words. Ethan had been in a car accident.
“Alex.” Jesse touched my arm. His voice rushed me back to the present day. “What’d your dad say just now?”
I frowned again. Why was this so difficult? “My mother.”
“What about her?” He took both of my arms and stood in front of me. He bent low so his eyes were level with mine.
I felt him trying to pull me back, but I wasn’t sure where from.
Then it slipped out. “She tried to kill herself.”
He sucked in his breath and stayed there for a moment. I thought he was going to pull me into his arms, but he didn’t. His hands fell away. I was cold without him, but then he stepped further back.
“I’ll take you to the hospital.”
I searched his eyes. They were guarded. He had closed me out, but it didn’t matter anymore. I was surprised as I realized that. I didn’t even want to go to the hospital. I’d see her in seventy-two hours. I wouldn’t feel her emptiness for three days, and a part of me was relieved. It was a part that I would never share with anyone.
Jesse touched my arm again. “I’ll take you.”
“Will you stay with me?” I wouldn’t go if he wouldn’t be there with me.
He nodded. His voice gentled. “I’ll stay as long as you need me.”
My heart swelled inside, but I reminded myself that he would leave again. Jesse always left. But his hands were gentle as he ushered me out to his car. When we got to the hospital, he went to the front desk and asked the questions I couldn’t bear to even form in my mind, and then bundled me into the elevator.