Regret so deep that it was tearing through both of them.
Unable to take any more of it in, she rolled away from him and closed her eyes. Jeremy was safe, thank God, but anything could have happened to him while he was wandering around San Francisco.
The last thought she had before pure exhaustion claimed her against her will, was that her mother must be rolling over in her grave.
* * *
Jeremy was safe. It was the only thing that kept Will from losing his mind.
He left Harper to sleep away the rest of the seemingly endless flight, and poured himself a glass of Scotch. It burned going down. But it couldn’t burn away his thoughts.
His blood powered up with the need to fire every damn last one of them, from Benny to Jeremy’s supervisor to the kid who’d told him about the Exploratorium. Every freaking one of them. Come out with his fists swinging, just like the Road Warrior inside him. Hit first, think later. Smash and hack his way through.
But he’d come far enough to know that the fighting had been a symptom of his powerlessness, his inability to truly control everything around him. It had never fixed anything. It never even made him feel better.
And the fact was, he should have prepared his employees better. Much better. He should have stressed that Jeremy was disabled. Only, Will didn’t think of him that way, and the idea of putting any stigma on him by giving his issues a name hadn’t sat well, especially after the grocery store incident.
Now, Will knew that the clerk should have called him an idiot instead of Jeremy. Because being clear regarding Jeremy’s limitations wasn’t about stigma. It was about ensuring his safety.
He took another slug, let it burn, then catalogued over and over the mistakes he’d made during the past two months. Mistakes that had just cost him the love of his life and a boy who had become very important to him, as well.
When they were forty-five minutes out of SFO, Will ordered breakfast, and his crew had it waiting so that Harper could eat before they landed. He knocked lightly on the door to let her know.
“Did you sleep?”
She nodded. She didn’t talk much. She didn’t eat much either. It would have been easier if she’d yelled it all out, reamed him a new one. He was used to Harper speaking her mind. But she was completely closed off from him now, the lounge of his jet seeming as big as a cavern between them.
He knew what he needed to do. He wasn’t good for them. He didn’t deserve them.
But how could he ever get the words out to let her go when she was everything he’d ever wanted? Everything he’d ever needed.
They landed. He thanked his crew. He didn’t dare touch Harper, not even to help her down the stairs.
Benny had the car waiting on the tarmac. And Jeremy ran over the moment he saw Harper, throwing himself into her arms.
The lump in Will’s throat grew larger, the tightness in his chest clenching harder. Harper and Jeremy were a family that he wasn’t a part of. That he would never be a part of.
“I’m sorry, Harper. Don’t be mad, okay? I won’t do it again.” Jeremy stepped back, his lips pressed together in a sad pout. “Mrs. Taylor said I scared everyone.”
“You did.” Will noticed how gentle Harper kept her voice, even though it was clear she was still right there on the verge of shattering. “You know you shouldn’t go anywhere without your phone. We’ve talked a lot about that.”
His head drooped on his neck, and he wagged it back and forth. “I know.”
“And what do you say to Will?”
Turning, his shoulders slumped, he was like a puppy who’d been picked on by his littermates. “I’m sorry, Will. Do you still love me?”
His father had burned all the tears out of him years ago, but Jeremy’s words brought him closer to crying than he’d come since his mother died. “Yeah, buddy, you know I do.” His voice sounded odd, the words choked. “Let’s get you home. Your sister’s had a long night.”
“Sure, Will.” Jeremy skipped back to the car, where Benny was stowing their two bags in the trunk. “Have you ever been to the Exploratorium?”
“Once, years ago.”
“It’s so cool, isn’t it?”
Will opened the car door for Harper, then let Jeremy climb into the back with her to give them time together, while Will took the front seat next to Benny. Jeremy chattered about his adventure for the entire drive down the Peninsula. He’d said he was sorry, and now he could be excited over everything he’d seen and done. It amazed Will that he could so easily forget how lost he’d been, how frightened.
It was what Will would always love about him—his boundless enthusiasm, and the way he never held onto anger or sadness. But just because he loved him, didn’t mean he was any better for Jeremy than he was for Harper.