I don’t know what to say to him, so I keep my lips fastened, watching him as he tucks his head down and wisps of his hair fall into his eyes. His hand starts moving again, tracing the lines of the massive leafless tree in the distance. The uneasiness quickly erases from his expression as he falls into his peace with his art, and I get lost in my thoughts of why he didn’t kiss me and why he looked so sad when he was about to.
I start to dry-heave as the burn of the alcohol forces its way back up my throat. Leaning over the railing, I gag until my stomach is empty, my abdominal muscles are throbbing, and the gravel below is drenched in my vomit. Wiping my mouth off with the back of my hand, I turn around and sink down onto the deck. Hugging my knees to my chest, I recline against the railing and angle my head back, looking up at the stars shining vibrantly against the charcoaled sky. I start counting them, one by one, and my mind and body start to relax.
I remain that way until the front door to the trailer swings open and then slams shut. Tearing my gaze away from the night, I look over at the door, hoping it’ll be Delilah and I can get the hell out of here. But it’s just Nikki.
She looks livid, her face red as she stomps down the stairs toward the gravel driveway. “Fuck you… and fuck your stupid art.”
The door opens again and the guy with honey-brown eyes walks out with an unlit cigarette stuck between his lips. Standing at the top of the stairs, he cups his hands around the end of the cigarette, lighting it while Nikki slips off one of her fluorescent pink stilettos.
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” she cries and then chucks her shoe at him.
He blows out a breath of smoke as the shoe flies by his head, but he doesn’t even flinch. Nikki stomps her bare foot on the ground as the guy steps back and bends down to collect her shoe. He walks to the top of the stairs and extends the stiletto out to her and she snatches it from him.
“I’ll never hook up with you again,” she spits, wiggling her foot into her shoe as she stumbles to the side in the loose gravel. “You’re ridiculous… you’re like a…” She gets her foot into the stiletto and she stands upright. “Do you even feel anything at all?” She folds her arms and taps her foot as she waits for him to respond.
He takes a long drag, his chest rising and falling as he releases the smoke out in front of his face. “Not really,” he says with a frown, brushing his thumb along the bottom of the cigarette. Ashes scatter all over the ground.
She clenches her fists, lets out a frustrated scream, and then she storms off for her car, her hair whipping across her shoulder as she whirls. He watches her car backs away, then he rests his arms on the railing and stares off into the darkness of the trailer park.
The longer he stands there, the more I wonder if he even realizes I’m sitting here. Should I just get up and leave? Stay put until he goes back in? I’m starting to get nervous, my palms beginning to sweat, because I can’t make a decision.
“So did your parents really name you after the car?” he unexpectedly says without looking at me.
It takes me a moment to answer. “My dad had one when I was born. He loved it and he loved me, so he thought the name was fitting.”
He nods, then turns around and reclines against the railing, slanting his head to look at me. “Does he still have the car?”
I begin to shake my head but then halt, contemplating how to respond. “Well, it’s parked in the garage at my mom’s house, but it’s not his anymore.” I summon a breath as he gives me a confused look and even though I don’t want to, I add, “He died six years ago. He left the car to me, but I don’t know… I’d feel weird driving it.” I have no idea why I’m telling him this. I never talk to people about my father, except for Landon and sometimes the camera.
“I get it,” he states. This look crosses his face; sadness, mixed with anger, tinted with shame. “Sorry about Nikki. She’s just pissed off at me about… well, I honestly can’t fucking remember.” He gazes off, looking lost, and I notice how red and bloodshot his eyes are. He’s probably stoned and by morning he probably won’t remember any of this. Or me. Strangely, that thought makes me a little depressed.
“You don’t need to apologize for her.” I place my feet underneath me and stand up, dusting the dirt off the back of my legs. “It’s not your fault. Nikki is always kind of bitchy, if I’m remembering right.”
A smile starts to form at his lips, but it dissolves by the time I take my next breath. “Well, that’s nice to know. That it’s not just me that unleashes it from her.”
I relax back against the railing and prop my elbows against the wood. There are only the steps between us, but he seems really far away from me. “How do you know her? You don’t live here, right?”
He shakes his head as he puts the cigarette into his mouth and takes a drag. “I’m just here for the summer. Tristan’s my cousin, and I need a place to crash. He stepped up.” Smoke eases from his lips as he shrugs with a miserable look on his face.
“Tristan’s nice,” I say, shuffling my toes back and forth in front of me. “I’ve known him since I was a kid.”
“Yeah, he’s a good guy.” He frowns at the ground, his brow puckered. “He can totally look past stuff, you know.” He lets out a faltering exhale, and when he looks up at me I nearly fall down. It’s too much. He looks so much like him, and I don’t know what to do. My heart feels like it’s rupturing open again. I want to run, hide, and not go through this again, but I also what to take the pain away from him, like I couldn’t do the first time around.