She didn’t comment on his apology; instead, she stared at him, her eyes completely distraught, and shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Brandon. I had no idea.”
He explained he was just there to pick up his old man’s meds, showing her the bag, but that he was glad he’d run into her because there was more he needed to tell her.
Sofie stared at the bag of meds for a moment then back at him a bit confused. “Tell me what?”
It felt wrong telling her right there in the middle of a drug store. “Are you sure we can’t go somewhere else to talk?”
“No way, Brandon,” she said immediately, and he knew there was no way she was going to budge.
He’d have to tell her here or forever hold it in. “I’m in love with you, Sof.”
The moment he heard his whispered words he knew he’d made a mistake because he had to swallow back the giant-sized boulder in his throat that had been building the entire past week as he watched his dad slowly withering away. But it was too late now. It was too late to take it back, so he held it together, determined to finish. “I thought I was in high school. Last summer only confirmed it. I almost didn’t re-enlist because of that kiss.”
Her eyes welled up, but she said nothing. She didn’t have to. Her shaking head was enough, but the expression of pity on her face was just another blow to his already aching heart.
“Don’t worry. I know it’s impossible. I just needed to tell you before I left.” He swatted the one f**king tear that escaped the corner of his eye away. “I needed to say it to you if only once. I’m glad I got the chance.” He didn’t wait for her to respond. He couldn’t. He had to get out of there now, but he couldn’t resist the urge to touch her just one last time, so he reached out and squeezed her shoulder. “Good-bye, Sof.”
That was it. He couldn’t stand there for even another moment and look into those stunned eyes, eyes that said without a doubt he’d been completely wrong. She’d never felt for him what he he’d been so delusional enough to think she might.
Pushing through the front doors of the store, he nearly growled. He was infuriated that he’d been so close to losing it in front of her, something he’d vowed years ago he’d never do, not when he’d had to watch his mother suffer at the mercy of his father’s rage, not when his dad turned that same rage on him, not even when he found out his father was dying, and certainly not over feeling his heart crushed by the only girl he’d ever had feelings for.
Nothing had ever been so clear and so fast. He felt like a complete idiot now. All this time, he’d secretly been banking on the possibility that, deep inside, what he thought he felt from Sofie last summer had been real. Even when she’d taken it back just before he left again, making it clear she’d only been curious, his delusional heart was convinced she was just covering up—clearing her conscience.
The painful truth had never been so infuriatingly clear. She’d only been curious about what it’d be like to be with someone like him, someone she’d never take seriously in real life. So she’d used the opportunity with his desperate ass to indulge that forbidden curiosity.
Throwing his dad’s meds on the passenger seat, he banged on the steering wheel. He’d almost done what he held back from doing all his life—something he’d promised his dad he wouldn’t even do at his funeral—for a girl who never gave a shit about him. He’d almost broken down.
He finally understood what his father had meant all those years. That kind of deep emotion—the kind he felt suffocating his heart at that moment—was sacred. It was something that should remain deep inside. No one had a right to know you were feeling it but yourself. Showing it was a sign of weakness. That’s exactly how he felt at that moment, like the weakest most pathetic idiot on the planet. At that moment, he vowed once again he’d never let anyone—no matter what—witness this side of him again.
~~~
It wasn’t even a week after he’d reported back to Georgia when he got the call. His dad had passed, and just like that, Brandon was back on a plane to attend the services. As expected, not too many people showed up. His father had never made many friends, and as hardened and difficult as he’d become over the years, any acquaintances he did have once upon a time had distanced themselves from him long ago.
Brandon took solace in the fact that he and his dad had finally begun to actually have a real father-son relationship, even though his dad had passed too soon afterward. He and his mom would move to Georgia permanently and start all over again. Maybe now he could rekindle that bond he once had with her. His mom had been the only one in his life to ever show him love. He’d felt it from her through and through. Brandon was determined to turn his life around—take away all the negativity that had built up all these years and live a normal happy life. Now that it was just he and his mom, he knew that could happen. She’d been waiting for this change as long as he had.
Days after the services, they somberly finished packing up the U-Haul truck with all their belongings. Brandon would be driving it across the country. He wished that on such a long drive he and his mother could be in the same car. It would be a perfect way to start getting to know each other once again—talk about their new life and the neighborhoods they’d be shopping for their new home—but his mother would be driving their mini-van across the country.
Brandon had been tempted to rent a trailer and just haul the van as well, not just because he was looking to really talking to his mom but because she’d always been a nervous driver. The longest drive she’d ever made was just over two hours up north to Los Angeles. Still, she insisted she’d be fine.