“Nope. Not a wink.”
I hadn’t been able to close my eyes. I wanted to, needing the escape, even for the briefest of moments, but I couldn’t, not when all I saw when I closed my eyes was Dixie sobbing in Bray’s arms. Then I had to fight the urge to go find Steel and beat the shit out of him for doing this to her.
“Bray came by late last night. He was looking for you.”
I’d ignored all their texts and calls. My phone was on silent, wanting to sit here alone and think, knowing I wouldn’t find peace. They wanted to make sure that I was alright because they worried about me, but I hadn’t been alright.
“I was mad at you yesterday. I hated you for a moment. For not telling me. For keeping it from me.” Her soft voice cut right through me. I knew she hated me and had reasons. But hearing it from her lips wasn’t easy.
“I know,” I managed to croak through the emotion clogging my throat.
“I get it. I thought about it all last night. I understand, I do,” she said, then her hand touched mine and I flinched, the contact unsettling, confusing.
“Just wanted to protect you,” I replied, needing Dixie to know that I never meant to hurt her and I’d do anything not to hurt her again.
“I know that now . . . everything . . . I let myself remember it all. Stuff I’d blocked out because it was too painful, I remembered it all last night. How you used to be with me . . . how we used to be together . . . how sure I was you would love me forever. Then you just turned away without a word. I never understood how you could do that to me. It haunted me. I loved you . . . I loved you so much . . . but you also loved me, too. It’s why you did it. I get it. I understand now.”
Fuck, this was hard, it was past time we did this, but still, it was brutal. The familiar smell of coconut and honey filled the cab of the truck. It had been so long since I’d been close enough to Dixie to smell her scent. It reminded me of how good she’d felt in my arms, how soft her skin was, like satin, warm satin. And how when I sank into her, molded to her body, nothing had been that perfect. The pleasure on her face had made my heart pound just to possess her. She was mine. Back then, all mine.
“I can’t do this . . . you . . . I need you to leave. Please. Being this close to you . . . I’m not ready for that. I don’t think I’ll ever be. My heart doesn’t seem to understand I can’t have you . . . that it’s fucking impossible. Please, Dixie.” I sounded desperate. I couldn’t look at her. I needed her to go.
Dixie moved, but she didn’t open the door. Instead, she scooted closer to me, her smell making me light headed. Fuck, she had to get out.
“Dix,” I warned, gripping the steering wheel.
“I’ll leave, but first, would you hold me?”
How did I tell her no? And how would I let her go if I allowed myself to touch her again?
“Please, Ash? Hold me this once. I need this.”
I learned a long time ago that I would do anything, sell my soul for this girl if needed. Now she was a woman and it was no different, so I released my death grip on the steering wheel and rested my arm on the seat. Dixie cuddled against me, then laid her head on my chest. Closing my arms around her, I inhaled deeply, letting her warmth fill my senses one final time. We didn’t have a goodbye. I didn’t give us one. She was right, this was the end, the one we’d needed back then, but I hadn’t been ready to give it to her.
“I think I’ll always love you. I can’t help that,” she said quietly.
I knew I’d always love her, but telling her that right now would only hurt her more. Dixie had to move on and find that ray of sunshine in her life, the one I knew she belonged in. A man who would love her unconditionally, give her a home, happiness and children. He’d make her dreams come true. He’d treat her like a princess and if he didn’t, I’d make him wish he was never born.
I would never have a wife. I couldn’t do that to someone. My heart has belonged to the very same girl since I was sixteen years old. No amount of lies and sin could take that away from me. What I felt for Dixie was pure. Simple truth, one I didn’t want to change. I’d watch her live her life from afar and make sure it was everything she wanted, everything Dixie deserved.
When I didn’t respond, she didn’t say any more. We sat there for an hour, I held her in my arms one last time and tried to memorize every moment of it. I made plans in my head to make sure that I righted every wrong done to her. It was the only thing keeping me sane.
The sound of tires on gravel and Bray’s diesel engine suddenly broke us apart. Dixie moved over, opened the truck door and stepped out without saying a word. We’d said all there was to say. I watched her as she walked to her Jeep. She didn’t acknowledge Bray. Instead, she climbed inside and drove away.
I waited for Bray to come to me. Obviously, he’d found me. I was surprised it took him so long to think about this spot, but I was thankful it took some time. When I saw him approaching my door, I rolled down the window and exhaled.
“Y’all talk about it?” Bray asked with a scowl.
“She got her closure,” I said, equaling his scowl with one of my very own.
“Been looking for your ass all morning and also most of last night. Momma’s cooked a big breakfast.”
I cranked the truck. “Not sure I’m ready to see Steel.”
Bray sighed. “He thought she should know. Maybe she did. The girl never moved on. The way you left it wasn’t an ending for her. She wasn’t healing. The wound was still open.”
“She was engaged to Steel,” I reminded him. Dixie had moved on. Put me behind her. Was going to marry my brother.
“Shit. She hadn’t even said yes. I don’t think she would’ve been able to until she saw you again. No point discussing that now. We’ll never know.”
Dixie was going to be okay. Her daddy would reassure her. She’d find a man to love her. I had to believe in that.
“Let’s go home and eat before Momma comes looking for the both of us.”
With a nod I said, “See you there,” and dropped the truck into first.
There was no age difference. At least it felt that way to me. I loved Dixie. I loved being with her. I loved the way her laugh could make whatever shit I was dealing with better. Other girls had never done that for me. Momma said that the way I looked at Dixie was the way Dad looked at her. It was how she knew he was the one and that there’d never be anyone else for him. I felt that way about Dixie.
As the months began to pass and spring drew closer, I knew I would have to make some decisions about my future. I wanted to sign with Florida, but I couldn’t leave her. My life was with Dixie and abandoning her to go to college wasn’t what I wanted. Football wasn’t my future. It was a way to pay for school. I could get another scholarship somewhere closer. Momma said as long as I used my talent to get my schooling paid for, she didn’t care where I chose to go. I just needed a good education.
Telling Dixie all this, however, was going to be the difficult part. I’d hinted about staying around, close to her, and she’d always said, “no, you belong in a big fancy college. You love football. I want that for you.” What she didn’t understand was that I loved her more. She was my future. Not playing football.
I pulled into her drive and she was already outside on the porch doing something, wearing a pair of cut-off jeans and a brightly colored tee shirt. Her feet were bare, but she ran down the stairs, stepping through the grass until she reached me, my heart swelling with joy and pleasure, so damn big it shouldn’t fit inside my chest. This, was all I wanted. Dixie was my nirvana.