I lie perfectly still in his arms and let myself enjoy my damsel in distress moment. He makes me want to act feeble and give into it. I wonder for a brief second if Star used to be a competent girl and he ruined her. I tighten up.
"What?"
"Nothing."
He set me down on a log, "What? I felt you tense."
"It's nothing. I was just wondering something."
"And that was?"
"Did Star used to be a normal girl or has she always been the puppy dog that follows you around? Did you ruin her?"
He laughs and rubs his eyes. He looks exhausted. "Oh Emma. You drive me insane. Can't you just leave it alone? It's private."
My brow knits, "I can yeah." I climb off the log and walk away. He grabs my arm again and I cry out.
He winces, "Sorry. I keep forgetting."
I mutter, "Yeah I know exactly how that feels. I watch you sing and be sweet and I forget what you're really like."
He looks like he's holding his breath but then he speaks. "She was raped savagely. Imagine the worst thing you can think of happening to a fifteen-year-old girl. I was escaping and I saw them. I tell everyone I met her at the breeder farms but that’s not entirely the truth of it. She was in the back of the truck with four of them in the parking lot. There were a few of them back there. It was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen."
I shiver and gag a little. The women who were kept behind. Their faces will haunt me the rest of my life. I remember them sitting at the back of the truck. I remember the screams.
"I saved her. I saved them. That's it."
"How?" I feel like an ass. I wish I could take it back.
"I killed them. I killed all four of them. She's been very, uh, well, grateful ever since."
Grateful…Gross… "Grateful?"
"She thinks I'm her knight in shining armor. I take care of her. She goes where I go. She cooks for me and stuff. Grateful."
Angry words fly from my lips. "She's grateful that's disgusting. She doesn’t act like any victim I've ever seen. The women I've seen who were raped are timid and shy. She acts like a whore. She's always half naked and hanging off you."
"Emma!"
I know it's the wrong thing to say but it's the way it seems to me. No one talks about the things that are right in front of them.
He takes one of his giant steps and holds my arms. I don’t cry out. I tremble. His fingers bite right into the wounds on me.
He shakes me slightly, "Why would you say such a horrid thing. If I ever hear you say that again…look at me."
I don’t. Tears flood my eyes. His fingers dig and scrape my gunshot.
He tilts my face but I avert my eyes. I break from his grip and run. I head back to the camp.
He grabs at me but Leo has had enough of his manhandling and so have I.
When his hand grabs my non-wounded arm this time, Leo dives at him and knocks him to the ground. He growls at Wills throat.
I wrap my hand around my wound to try to stop the warm liquid running down my arm, where Mona has butterflied it. His eyes notice the red liquid seeping through my fingers. I see his regret.
"I just can't stop hurting you." His words sound broken somehow. They don’t make complete sounds. "You just make me so mad."
Through the tears I don't see him clearly. I still see the man I am madly in love with. I still hear his haunting voice filling the smoky forest. "I think you need a girl like Star. She always needs you to rescue her. I'm not the right girl for you. I think that's the thing I like the most about your brother. He just wants to be with me. He doesn’t want to try to run me or save me. Do me a favor when we get to the camp, just stay there. I don’t want or need your help."
For the first time I see pain on his face, real pain.
I don’t feel the satisfaction I think I will. The ache in my heart feels like it's fractured. I feel dizzy. I turn away from the pain I've caused and walk to Mona who can repair my arm at least. I'm not sure what to do about my heart though.
xxxx
Seeing the camp and the excitement on everyone's faces should have been enough. Sister's reuniting. Husbands and wives embracing in fits of kissing and tears. This should be the payment for the pain but my heart feels barren and dry.
I spin in a circle and watch the villagers running at loved ones and strangers alike. Tears of joy and excitement are everywhere, at every turn.
A pair of dark eyes watches me from the corner. I smile at them. He laughs and shakes his head. He points at his tent and then me. I walk to him, but not fast enough. I am still in the crowd when Star comes running at Will and jumps into his huge arms. I heave a bit. He hugs her. Tears build a dam in my throat.
Marshall slams me on the back in what would be a friendly pat on a man's back. My tiny back aches from it. "You are a real pain in my ass. I should have killed you when I had the chance. I'm not even kidding. I knew you were trouble the minute I met you. Too damned smart and too damned cute." He paces the tent when we get inside.
I stand ready to receive the only real tongue-lashing I have ever endured. Part of me wants to cry. The other part refuses and forces the snotty look my father hated across my face.
Instead of screaming at me like I assume he will his face turns bright red and he smiles, "How? How did you do it? How did so many get away?"
I'm stumped. He's being nice. Nice-ish.
"Luck." It's all I really have to offer.
He watches me for a minute and then belts out the most terrifying laugh I've ever heard. I jump, startled by the sound.
Leo is at the entrance growling. I waved my hand at my thigh to signal.
"You cheeky damn bitch. Luck. Luck she says." He wipes his eyes. He's apparently crying he's laughing so hard. "Okay was there another aspect of the mission you felt was successful beyond luck?"
I watch his dark eyes and nod warily, "I found a scientist friend of yours who told me about a self destruct panel in the basement. It's for if the infection makes it's way into the farm."
His eyes widen, "Does every farm have one?"
I nod again feeling less frightened by him, "Yeah. I guess a lot of places have them. They still fear the infection. It got into a breeder farm not too long ago so they installed the bomb things to implode the building."
His eyes twinkle. He's hiding something.
"You did a good job. You're a pain in the ass and I have no idea how to feed them all but you did amazing. I heard that you did it all alone."
I shake my head, "No. Leo helped tons."
He tilts his head at the growling wolf in the flap of the small tent, "The wolf?"
"Yeah. And actually Will and everyone got the children and younger girls out. I only got the pregnant and newborn wards out. And honestly that was your scientist friend who did that. Not me. A lot of women and babies didn’t make it though. Your friend died too. Honorably. He was carrying a young woman to safety."
"It's always sad when life is lost."
"It's worse when you are the reason for it." I don’t expect he will coddle me for my mistakes. He doesn’t surprise me with any kindness.
He plays with his beard and thinks. "When can you be ready again?"
I don’t understand. "What?"
"The closest breeder farm is many days away but your idea with the truck ambush was pretty smart. It would work."
I feel panic rising in me. He wants me to go back.
A deep voice speaks behind us, "She was dead on. If it hadn’t been for the infected she would have had us in there no problem. We could have used the truck to get women out easier too."
I don’t turn around. I hate him.
Marshall watches my face and nods at me, "You can go clean up kid." I turn to leave but Will takes up the entire opening of the tent. He doesn’t move.
"Marshall I think she should take the women to the retreat. It's far and hidden." His huge chest is in my face and taking up all of the space in front of me.
I turn back to Marshall. He looks at me and plays with his beard more. "You willing to lead them? I was thinking you could head to the next one once your wounds are better."
Will cuts in again. "Marshall me and the guys have this. We can use whatever women are in the trucks as bait. She doesn’t need to come. She should go to the retreat and stay there."
I hate him. He's trying to tuck me in like I'm a little girl. Like I'm his responsibility. Like he speaks for me.
Marshall watches me. I shake my head, "I just need a week or so to rest. I'm pretty injured and tired."
He shrugs, "Too long. I guess we could do it without you. I just don’t want to worry about the farms figuring out our ways and adding more guards and snipers."
I blurt, "I'll do it. I'll get ready to leave later tomorrow. I need some sleep though for now."
He cheers up, "That’s my girl. Excellent. Get the medics to take a look at all those wounds."
Will doesn’t move. "Marshall she should be staying with the women. She knows the way better than anyone."
Marshall beams at me, "It's up to her Will. She's a big girl."
I smile at Marshall and turn to face the huge chest in my way. I don’t look up at his face I speak directly to his chest, "Can I just get past you?"
"No. You're bleeding again." He takes my hand softly and pulls gently.
"She needs rest Will." Marshall shouts as I am dragged from the tent.
"Thanks Marshall."
Will leads me to the medic tents. His grip on my hand tightens the thicker the crowd gets. I try to pull my hand away but it only earns me a sore hand.
"Emma! Will!"
I turn to see Jake bounding to me. His run appears improved. He runs and pulls me right out of Wills hand. He hugs me and spins me. I pinch his skin. I don’t believe he is real.
"Ouch! What the heck was that for?"