ONE MINUTE, I was safe; the fear, the anger, all of it fell away. It was as if Richards arms, his mouth, his body were food, drink, air, and every good thing all rolled into one person.
The next minute, I was drowning. The kiss that had been like air, sweet and pure, was suffocating me. The arms that had felt so safe were a trap from which I had to break free.
I went from melting into his body to fighting with everything I had to get away.
Richard fought to keep kissing me, holding me. But there were other hands on my shoulders, helping me fight. Not by fighting Richard, but helping my mind, me, fight. Richards hand went to my hair and tried to keep my face pressed to the kiss, but another hand was there, another arm, helping pull me away, another body pulling me backward.
Jasons fear washed over me with his touch. Fear of what Richard was doing. Not just fear of Richards new vampire powers, but fear of how I felt in his kiss. Fear of the drowning, perfect obsession of love.
Jason felt my emotions, felt what Richard made me feel, and I felt Jasons terror of whaTHE said he wanted. Terror of being consumed by one person. Fear of belonging to just one person. Jason said that his hearts desire was this, buTHE lied to himself. In one suffocating, drowning, hand-filled momenTHE and I both knew he did not want it. The thought of only one person forever made his blood run cold.
I was caught between the two of them. Two men strong enough to rip me apart, literally. It was like being a baseball bat in that childhood ritual where you try to be the hand on top of the wood. Except this bat was helping break free of one set of hands. I pushed at Richard, fought his grip, until more of me was cradled in Jasons arms, and only one hand was left digging into my upper arm.
Jason and I were on the floor, with his back against the side of the bathroom doorjamb. He held me as close as he could, even his legs wrapped around my waist from behind. I could feel his heart thudding against my back, taste his fear like something metal on my tongue. I didnt have to be able to see his face over my shoulder to know his blue eyes were wide, his lips parted, and his skin pale.
Richard was on his knees, staring down at us. His eyes had bled back to his normal brown. I can feel how afraid you both are of me.
You tried to mind-fuck me, Richard. You tried to take my choices away.
I want you to want only me, Anita. I want it so badly that it drives me mad sometimes. I hate the thought of you with other men.
I wisely kept my mouth shut, because I knew thaTHE enjoyed watching me with Jean-Claude, sometimes. He liked sharing with Jean-Claude, sometimes. But, as with much of Richards inner life, he didnt want to accept it. If Id asked him, he shared me with Jean-Claude because he had no choice. He did it rarely, because he didnt like it. Right? Not necessarily. I thoughTHE did it so rarely because he was afraid thaTHE did like it.
Youre hurting my arm, Richard.
He looked at where his fingers had made imprints in my skin, as if he didnt remember he was doing it. He let go, and sat back on his heels, still kneeling. He looked puzzled.
I didnt mean to hurt you, he said.
I know, I said.
Jason just kept holding me, while his pulse started to slow.
If Jason hadnt interfered, you would have done anything I wanted. But I believed it, too, Anita. I believed in that happily-ever-after moment again. I thought marriage and kids and
I felt you think it, I said.
But you thought it, too. He looked at my face, and he was so sincere, so full of his truth.
You made me think it, but it was your thought, not mine. I wont apologize for that anymore, Richard. You got your first taste of your own version of the ardeur and you would have used it every bit as ruthlessly as youve ever accused any vampire.
Thats not fair, he said.
I felt what you were doing to her, Richard. You took away her free will, and filled her up with this false happiness, Jason said.
Its not false.
Its not her version of happiness, Richard, its yours.
You have no business interfering between your Ulfric and his lupa.
Maybe not, but I couldnt stand there and feel what you were doing to her. Anita asked me to help her, and I had to do it.
I touched his arms where they were still wrapped around me. What do you mean, had to, Jason?
Youre my friend, and the main squeeze of my best friend. I couldnt let him rape you like that.
That is not what I was doing, Richard said.
By definition of the law, using magic or psychic ability that takes away someones choice is rape. Jason said it, but Id thought it.
I felt Jason go quiet around me, and I think I did the same thing in his arms. Did you just say out loud what I was thinking? I asked.
Did I?
I think you did, Richard said. He leaned in toward us, sniffing the air. I still found it a little unsettling when my lycanthrope friends did very animal things in human form.
Jason drew us back, as if his back could push through the wall and gain us distance. What are you trying to smell? he asked.
Richard was on all fours now, sort of looming over us, with his hair falling in thick waves around his face, so I really couldnt see his expression. I think Jason could. Jean-Claude could have broken her free of me. Maybe even Micah or Nathaniel, because they have their metaphysical tie to her. Damian could have shared his coldness, his control, and drowned me out. He is her vampire servant. Richard leaned past me, nearly pressing his chest against my face, so he could sniff Jasons face over my shoulder. But youre just food. Youre Jean-Claudes pomme de sang, but youre nothing special to Anita.
It was a little hard to speak firmly while being wrapped arm and leg by one man, and nearly kissing the chest of another, but I did my best. Hes my friend.
I heard Richard take in a huge, noisy breath. He jerked back, as if something had hurt. Hes more than that now, he whispered.
What are you talking about? I asked.
Cant you feel it, Anita? Hes your wolf to call.
Jason tensed against me, and I said, What?
Before, he smelled of pack; now he also smells of you. The same way that Nathaniel does, or Micah.
I live with them; of course, we start to have a family smell.
Richard shook his head. No, Anita, never try to argue sense of smell with a werewolf. Its as if a little piece of you rides around in their skin. Micah always smelled that way, but Nathanielhis scent changed. Damians scent changed. Now, Jason smells like he has your touch like a perfume against his skin.
Im holding her, Richard, thats what youre smelling, Jason said.
Richard shook his head again. No, Jason, I know the difference between proximity smells and changed smells.
I couldnt have made him my wolf to call, Richard. Id remember doing it.
You dont remember most of the last two days, Anita.
I thought about it, tried to argue it wasnt so, but a hard, cold lump started forming in my stomach. The moment my stomach started reacting, I knew the truth. I tried to push past the fear and use my own abilities to test the theory, but I was too panicked. Had I bound Jason to me like that and didnt even remember doing it? And if Id done that without remembering, what else had I done? What else had all of us done? Shit, shit, shit.
I remember it was dark, Jason said, and you called me. I remember trotting through these tall trees that Id never seen. I thought it was a dream.
Thats what I see inside my head now, since Marmee Noir fucked me over. Tall trees and shadows and darkness.
You called me, not this me, but my wolf. You called me.
I hugged his arms. Im sorry, Jason, Im so sorry. I did to you what you just saved me from.
Being able to call him as your wolf is probably what broke you free of Marmee, Richard said.
I looked up at him. What do you mean?
She controls cats, including tigers, but not wolves. Why didnt she just keep you, if shed mind-rolled you that completely, Anita? Maybe because when you called a wolf to you, she couldnt fight you both.
Shes the night made flesh, Richard; trust me, Jason and I arent powerful enough together to kick her out of anything.
Thanks a lot, Jason said.
I patted his arm. You know what I mean, I said.
The connection between a vampire and their animal to call is more than just the strength of the two. It doesnt just double your power, it makes both of them more than just the sum of their parts, Anita. Its like He seemed to grope for the right word, and finally settled for, Trust me, Anita, both the vampire and the wereanimal gain a lot more than just combined powers.
Is that how it is with you and Jean-Claude? I asked.
He nodded.
So if Anita hadnt bound me to her, then we might still be trapped by the Mother of All Darkness? Jason asked.
One of the reasons Jean-Claude sent me was to use wolf to break Anita free, but youd already done it.
But Im compelled to touch Micah and Nathaniel, and you. Jason and I like each other, but it hasnt changed since we woke up. I turned in Jasons grip and tried to see his face as I asked, Has it changed for you?
No, he said. I might have been disappointed before I felt Richards version of the ardeur. Now Im just grateful.
You have a lot more control over your powers now, Anita. A lot more than when the ardeur first rose, or when you marked Damian and Nathaniel. I mean, we didnt even know you could do that, then.
I nodded. It made sense, sort of. So I can make people my beast to call, without being compelled to move in with them?
I think so.
That actually made me feel better. Good that something did.
He stood up. Im going to get Jamil and Shang-Da, and fly back to St. Louis.
Anita needs you here, Jason said, its why Jean-Claude sent you.
She has a wolf that shes metaphysically tied to in you. He held up a hand. Im not jealous; okay, I am, but not like your face says, Anita. The ardeur has risen for me for the first time. I need to get home to Jean-Claude before it happens again. Were just lucky that my version is narrowly focused.
You mean just on Anita, Jason said.
Richard frowned at him.
I patted Jasons leg, trying to tell him not to help too much. It may not be that narrow a focus, Richard. Id be careful around any woman youve had serious thoughts about. Not just sex, but marriage.
Im not
Please, Richard, you want to be married. Its been my experience that when someone wants to be married that badly, they find someone.
I want it to be you, he said.
I sighed. I know, but thats not what I want.
Are you really serious that youll never marry?
I looked up at him. If you mean monogamy and till death do you part, then no.
Someone will come along, Anita. Hell sweep you off your feet, and youll want what I want, just not with me.
I think Anita is like me, Richard, Jason said. I think she likes to keep her options open.
Richard shook his head. Ive got to get out of here.
Richard, I said.
No, Anita, if Jason hadnt interfered I would have done exactly what you accused me of. Hell, if wed been in Vegas, I could have talked you into marriage. I can still taste how compliant you were. Ive never felt you so willing, soweak. He shook his head, and took a step back from us. I dont trust myself not to try again. Thats the truth, and I need to get farther away from you until its not the truth.
Id have liked to argue, but couldnt. He went to the door, then paused with his hand on the knob. I love you, Anita.
In that moment, still wrapped in Jasons body, I said the only truth I was sure of. I know.
He nodded, opened the door, and went out. Jamil and Shang-Da would do what their Ulfric told them to do. It was back to being just us again, but now it was just us and the most powerful vampire on the planet hunting me. Somehow I wanted more help.
Again, it was as if Jason read my mind. We need more help.
I cuddled in against his body, and he hugged me with arms and legs, and for once it wasnt sexual in the least; it was more like two scared kids huddling in the dark when they knew the monster under the bed wasnt just real, but was holding a grudge.