For one night I lived in the now. I allowed myself to open up and feel all of those things that I have always been convinced I would never have.
For one night I felt the promise of more and it scared the crap out of me with the power of those emotions.
Those are the moments that all feel like lead in my gut now. The ones that make it hard for me to push myself past drowning when I dwell on them too long.
Before Jack died we had created a beautiful life. It was a life that held so much promise.
I was, after we were married and left our old lives behind, a phoenix being reborn from the ashes we had left from all the burning pain of our old lives.
All that fire and all that pain, washing away memories we never wanted to have again.
We had been married for two years before he died. It took us a while in that time, to find our way. To feel that promise of a beautiful life. And in that two years I held something beautiful in the palms of my hands. I felt alive.
Reborn.
I didn’t live in the shadows around me, meekly praying that no one would notice me.
We were alive and gloriously happy.
I believed with my whole heart that every hardship I ever felt served a purpose because it brought me a happiness that was out of this world perfect.
Until it was gone.
And in its place I was left with a pain that burned so bright I just knew there would be no ashes left for me to be reborn again.
Once again I was stuck in those shadows—that cold place where I was just existing and not living—Molly being the only bright spot in my darkness. It’s a painful place to be and it wasn’t until Dani and her gang of friends came along that I was able to start clawing myself out of that depression I had sunk into.
So, yeah—it was hard after all that to even think for a second that I would ever feel that promise again. We had come so far and lost so much.
But one night with Liam, I felt it instantly.
That is something I’ve been struggling with since.
I shiver with the thought and look at Dani, focusing my mind back on our conversation.
“I don’t want to be that person I was when we first met, Dani.”
She looks back up, her hand jolting against mine, and shock etched in her face. We haven’t talked about how I used to be. How bad I was when we first met.
“When I first saw you, at Cohen’s going away party, even when I knew what happened to you, all I could see was the sadness. It brought it all back, that night I mean? Made you remember Jack?”
I nod, “It was hard sometimes. I wasn’t in a good place back then.”
She doesn’t speak at first, her thoughts clearly something she is struggling to piece together.
“You’re still struggling, I know, Megan. I see it. It hurts me as your friend to not know how to make it better for you.”
I smile softly, “I have my bad days, but they’re coming far less frequently than they used to. Jack was a huge part of my life and even if we didn’t have the same kind of love that most couples do, I loved him more than life. Maybe because he was all I had in mine besides Molly. There isn’t a single memory from growing up that doesn’t have him in it. I think that’s what makes it so hard, when I think about life without him in it now, it’s painful to know that the new memories will never have him in them.”
“Is that why you won’t date? Because of that love you both shared?”
I laugh, this time with humor. “No. Jack isn’t why I won’t date.”
She clears her throat, adjusting herself so that she’s more comfortable, and looks down at Owen. “I couldn’t imagine my life without Cohen in it. It hurts to just think about it. Even having Owen as a reminder of him would be painful, but a pain I would be happy to have if it meant I held just a small part of him.”
Her words rip through me, each one searing me deeply and I fight the gasp that almost escapes. She has no idea how painful her words just were. And of course she wouldn’t because even if she is the closest person in my life right now, that doesn’t mean I’ve let her all the way in. God if she only knew.
“But,” she continues and I focus back on her, “I know Cohen would never want me to be alone. He would want me to find love again, even if just the thought makes me sick, I know deep down he would be right. You, Megan—you have so much love to give.”
“And I give it . . . to Molly.” My tone comes out harsher than I meant it to and I can tell that Dani felt the sting of my snapped words.
“You deserve happiness, babe.” She smiles, but it doesn’t even come close to hitting her eyes. My pulse picks up with the look she gives me next and I know where she’s going. Where she’s been dying to go since her wedding reception. “I thought for a second you could have found that with Lee.”