J.B. followed me into the hallway, grabbed my hand so I would face him.
“Maddy,” he said. “If you need anything…”
“I know,” I said. “And the same goes for you. I think I should try harder to be a better friend.”
“I might need a shoulder to cry on,” J.B. said. “I’m king now, you know.”
I stared at him. Somehow the implications of his mother’s death hadn’t really set in.
“King of Amarantha’s court,” I said. “How are you going to manage that and your Agency duties?”
“How are you going to be the Hound of the Hunt and an Agent?” J.B. shrugged. “I’ll manage. Same as you.”
“I’ll have something else to do besides act as Hound of the Hunt, I’m sure,” I said. “If Lucifer ever returns my phone calls, he’ll probably want some assistance with quashing this rebellion of Azazel’s.”
“I can help with that, too,” J.B. said. “My mother was a part of it. She was perfectly happy to enslave humans. I should do something to make up for that.”
“You already have,” I said quietly.
He rubbed his hands through his hair, and the gesture was so familiar and so dear that I smiled.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do enough,” he said. “We found over eighty ghosts that had been damaged and killed by the machines. There may still be more out there that we never found.”
Those lost souls would haunt him, as they would haunt me.
“We can only do as much as we can,” I said. “We saved the cubs. We saved the people in the warehouse. We can’t save everyone.”
“But we should be able to,” he said, brooding.
I knew he was thinking of Gabriel, but I wasn’t ready to talk about that. Part of me resented J.B. for not warning me, for not helping me avert Gabriel’s death. I didn’t want that tiny part to fester and grow. I knew why J.B. had made his choices.
I went home. I slept a lot more than I normally did for the next few days. I didn’t miss a soul pickup. I watched movies with Beezle and Samiel when they wanted to try to cheer me up, and sometimes I even allowed myself to be cheered for a moment.
I cried when I thought they couldn’t see. I wouldn’t take the two coffee mugs out of the dish rack. At night I slept in Gabriel’s shirt so that it felt like I was sleeping in his embrace again.
On the fifth day after Azazel had killed my first and only love, Lucifer rang my doorbell.
I knew it was him at the bottom of the stairs. I can feel his presence, the call of blood to blood. Funny how I’d never felt that way about Azazel.
I threw a sweater over my shirt and went down to answer the door. Lucifer stood on the porch, looking solemn. I’d never invited him inside.
I opened the outside door and leaned in the jamb. “Back from Aruba, are you?”
“Will you come out and speak with me?” he said.
“Sorry—all my coats were destroyed suppressing the rebellion,” I said, anger rising up at the sight of him standing there. All this could be laid at his door, every bit of it.
Lucifer sighed impatiently and snapped his fingers. A black wool overcoat appeared, much like the one that Gabriel used to wear except that it was smaller and cut for a woman. It was also a lot more expensive than anything I could have afforded for myself.
“Will you come out, please? I would speak with you about Gabriel.”
I stepped out of the doorway and took the coat. “What do you want to say?”
“I am sorry,” he said. “I am sorry that you lost Gabriel. I am sorry that I was not there to assist you.”
“I find that very hard to believe,” I said coldly. “The best chance you had of finding out who was plotting against you was to disappear.”
“Yes,” he admitted.
“So you did take yourself out on purpose. I thought as much,” I said. “Can you see the future?”
Lucifer looked as though he wasn’t certain whether he should answer that question.
“Can you?” I persisted.
“I cannot see the future the way you may imagine. I can see…possibilities. Implications.”
“So you knew there was a possibility that Gabriel would die,” I said. “But you never thought it necessary to mention it to me. Why? Why did you give him to me only to take him away?”
Lucifer put his arm around me. It felt like the comforting of a parent, a parent I’d always wanted—a father. The air filled with the scent of cinnamon. It reminded me so strongly of Gabriel that the tears that always hovered beneath the surface spilled over.
Lucifer said nothing, only held me as I wept. After a long while, it felt like there were no more tears to be cried. I lifted my head and saw Lucifer watching me with great compassion in his eyes.
“If there is one human emotion I truly comprehend, it is grief,” Lucifer said. “I lost Evangeline and my children so long ago, and I never stopped grieving for them.”
“So it doesn’t stop hurting, then,” I said dully.
“The pain becomes, perhaps, not quite so sharp. In the future, you may find that days may pass when you do not think of him at all, but when you do there will be a tenderness there, like a bruise that has never healed.”
I didn’t need Lucifer to tell me that. A piece of me had been taken forever when Gabriel died. You can’t replace the missing parts of your heart.