Nathaniel said nothing. Nathaniel, whatever he felt for me, would never go against Lucifer voluntarily. He had done so once at Azazel’s behest, but I was sure that he would not put his existence on the line for me to squirm away from the Morningstar. He seemed unable to do so himself.
“What did Lucifer do to you?” I asked, giving voice to the question I’d wondered earlier.
He was silent for a long time. I wasn’t sure whether he was going to answer me.
“Lord Lucifer excels at letting you think that your choices are your own when they are actually his,” Nathaniel said finally.
“I know,” I said, thinking of my marriage, the relationship that was forbidden until Lucifer had decided otherwise. At the time I’d thought it was a reward. Once Gabriel died and I’d realized I was pregnant, I discovered that Lucifer had manipulated us so that he would get the grandchild he wanted. “What did you want so badly that Lucifer gave it to you?”
“Power,” Nathaniel said. “I wanted to be respected, to have the status I felt that I deserved as the son of a Grigori. It is only now that I see that I desired power because Lucifer taught me to do so, because he manipulated me into wanting it. To betraying…”
He trailed off, ruminating on the past.
“Betraying who?” I asked quietly.
It seemed like he was drowning in his memories, and that he was having a hard time swimming back to the surface.
“My mother,” he said.
“Your mother? What did she ever do to Lucifer?” I asked.
“She chose my father,” Nathaniel said simply. “Lucifer wanted her, and when Lucifer desires something, he gets it. My mother, Cassiel, would not have him. She already loved Zerachiel. Lucifer seemed to withdraw from the field with grace. When I was born, he took a special interest in me, favoring me over the other children of the Grigori. He was like a beloved uncle, always ready with a game or a prize. He told me I was special, that I would sit beside his throne one day. Cassiel and Zerachiel took Lucifer’s interest to mean that they were forgiven. It was not so.
“When I was old enough, he promised me that if I would help him with some small tasks here and there, I could come to his court as an apprentice to Azazel, his own right hand. It was heady stuff for a young man. Azazel held much power in Lucifer’s realm. As his apprentice I would be ranked above many of the fallen who were much older and more experienced than I.
“The tasks seemed simple enough at first. I was asked to carry messages, and I did, full of my own importance. Then I was asked my opinion on events I witnessed in my father’s court. Soon I was eavesdropping on private conversations, lurking in places where I might be well positioned to hear, and reporting, always, back to Lord Lucifer.
“Then, one day, I fell asleep in the garden under the gazebo. The flowers and grass were tall there, and I was well hidden by the foliage. I had simply been enjoying the sun and drifted off. When I awoke, I heard voices arguing. They were trying to be circumspect, but they were loud enough for me to hear that one of them was my mother. The other was a man I did not know. They were speaking of Lord Lucifer. I did not hear all of the words. But I heard Cassiel say ‘treason.’
“I remained where I was until their conversation was concluded. All I could think of was that I had uncovered a plot of treason, and Lord Lucifer would reward me well for such a discovery. I rushed to report what little I had heard to the Morningstar. I did not consider that my mother would be caught in the net. I was thinking only of the other man, the one she had argued with. I thought Lord Lucifer would ask my mother whom she was speaking to so that he could find the real conspirator. I thought that she was trying to dissuade the man.
“Of course, I was young and foolish. Lord Lucifer considered them both as plotters, and when my mother was taken for questioning and tortured, she admitted as such. But she would never tell Lord Lucifer who the other man was.
“She was executed in the Morningstar’s court. When my mother was beheaded I was standing at the right hand of Azazel, who stood at the right hand of Lucifer.”
He fell silent again. My heart ached for the boy he had been, for the weight that he had carried over the years. He had watched his mother killed because she had committed treason against Lucifer, because he had revealed her.
He must have thought his life was over when Azazel had ordered him to participate in a rebellion against their highest lord. I wondered, not for the first time, why Lucifer had allowed Nathaniel to live. Then I realized how much Lucifer enjoyed serving his revenge ice-cold.
“Cassiel picked Zerachiel over Lucifer, and then he waited years and years, until you were born and old enough to be used as a tool for vengeance?” I asked.
“Yes,” Nathaniel said. “It is why I tell you over and over not to cross him.”
“And you still declare your fealty to him?”
“I have no choice. I must have a master. It is the way of my kind. And as Lucifer is the most powerful of us all, it is safer to be under his wing than in his sights.”
“You aren’t under his wing,” I said. “Lucifer plays the long game.”
Nathaniel’s life would come to a sudden end one day for his participation in Azazel’s plot. I knew that with the certainty of the sun rising, and I was sure that Nathaniel knew it, too. Yet he kept protecting me, kept putting his life at risk, kept trying to restore his honor even though he was a dead man walking. I realized I could love that kind of man, and that was a disconcerting thought.