“You know I do.”
“Do you love me?”
I stared into his desperate eyes for a long time. The more seconds that passed, the more hopeless he looked.
I let out a faltering breath. “I don’t want to be in love, Thomas.”
He looked down at the bandages on his hands, already dotted red with his blood. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“No.”
“You’re lying. How can you have such a strong personality and be so fucking afraid?”
“So what?” I snapped. “You would be scared, too, if I told you I was still in love with Jackson and you were way, way out of your emotional comfort zone.”
“That’s not fair.”
I lifted my chin. “I don’t have to be fair to you, Thomas. I just have to be fair to me.” I stood and took a step backward toward the door.
He shook his head and chuckled. “You, Liis Lindy, are most definitely my payback.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
THE STAIRS SEEMED PREFERABLE to taking the elevator one floor down. I trudged down to my floor and passed my door to walk the few steps to the window at the end of the hallway.
The corner across the street was smeared with blood, but no one seemed to notice. The people who walked by had no idea about the violence that had occurred, not even an hour before, in the space they were passing through.
A couple stopped just a few feet from the largest stain, arguing. The woman looked both ways and then crossed the street, and I recognized her just before she slipped beneath the awning of our lobby. Marks followed her, and I sighed, knowing they would both be stepping off the elevator minutes later.
I went to my door and unlocked it, and then I waited in the open doorway. The elevator chimed, and the doors revealed my friend looking angrier than I’d ever seen her.
She stepped out and then stopped abruptly, elbowing Marks when he ran into her. “Are you leaving?” she asked me.
“No. Just getting home.” I held the door open. “Come in.”
She passed by, and then Marks paused, waiting for my permission. I nodded, and he followed her to the couch.
I shut the door and turned, crossing my arms. “I am not in the mood to Dr. Phil you two. I can’t figure out my own shit.” I raked my hair away from my face, and then I walked over to the chair, scooping up the folded throw and holding it in my lap as I sat down.
“You agree with me, don’t you, Liis?” Marks asked. “She needs to kick him out.”
“He won’t leave,” Val said, exasperated.
“Then, I’ll make him leave,” Marks growled.
I rolled my eyes. “C’mon, Marks. You know the law. He is her husband. If the cops came, you would be the one asked to leave.”
Marks’s jaw worked beneath the skin, and then he looked beyond my kitchen. “You have a second bedroom. You’ve invited her.”
“She doesn’t want to lose her condo,” I said.
Val’s eyes widened. “That’s what I’ve told him.”
“I don’t want you living with him! It’s fucking weird!” Marks said.
“Joel, I’m handling this,” Val said. “If you don’t want to stick around, I understand.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Why are you two here?”
Marks sighed. “I came to pick her up for dinner. He made a big deal. Usually, I wait for her outside, but I thought I’d be a fucking gentleman for once. He made a scene. Who’s she pissed at? Me.”
“Why do we do this to ourselves?” I asked, mostly to myself. “We’re grown adults. Love makes us so stupid.”
“He doesn’t love me,” Val said.
“Yes, I do,” Marks said, looking at her.
She slowly turned to him. “You do?”
“I chased you for months, and I’m still chasing you. You think this is a casual fling for me? I love you.”
Val’s face fell, and her lip jutted out. “I love you, too.”
They hugged each other and then began to kiss.
I looked up at the ceiling, contemplating a tantrum.
“Sorry,” Val said, fixing her lipstick.
“It’s fine,” I deadpanned.
“We should probably get going,” Marks said. “We barely got a reservation. I don’t want to have to drive around looking for a decent meal at nine thirty at night.”
I forced a smile and then walked to the door, opening it wide.
“Sorry,” Val whispered as she passed.
I shook my head. “It’s fine.”
I shut the door, walked straight back to my bedroom, and fell face-first onto my bed.
Val and Marks had made finding a solution look so easy, figuring it out even though Val had been sharing a condo with Sawyer for over a year. I was miserable living an entire floor below Thomas. But our problems seemed more complicated than living with an ex. I loved a man who I couldn’t love, who loved someone else but loved me more.
Love could kiss my ass.
The next morning, I was relieved not to see Thomas in the elevator.
As the weeks passed, it became less of a worry and more of a memory.
Thomas would make sure to arrive at work before me and to stay far later. The meetings were short and tense, and if we were given an assignment, Val, Sawyer, and I hated to come back to Constance empty-handed.
The rest of Squad Five kept their heads down, scowling at me when they thought I wouldn’t notice. The days were long. Just being in the squad room was stressful, and I had quickly become everyone’s least favorite supervisor in the building.
Eight straight days went by without any run-ins with Thomas at Cutter’s, and then another week passed.
Anthony had given me the number of a friend who knew someone who shipped vehicles, and once I’d called and mentioned Anthony’s name, the price dropped in half.
By May, my Camry had been delivered, and I was able to explore more of San Diego. Val and I went to the zoo, and I began systematically visiting all the beaches, always alone. It became sort of a thing.
It didn’t take me long to fall in love with the city, and I wondered if falling quick was going to start being a thing with me, too. That was squashed after several outings with Val as I began to understand that every interaction with a man just reminded me of how much I missed Thomas.
One hot, sticky Saturday night, I pulled into the Kansas City Barbeque parking lot and shoved my keys into my purse. Even in a sundress, I could feel the sweat dripping from under my breasts and down to my stomach. It was a heat only the ocean or a pool could alleviate.