“What did you do?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Either she dumped you, or you did something wrong. I can tell. You’re moping around. And since you generally get fired up when someone screws you over, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you screwed something up.”
Damn. She’s good. I sighed. “I got myself into a mess.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Okay. So how do you get yourself out of this mess?”
“Without hurting her, I can’t.”
“Did you cheat on her?”
“It’s nothing like that. ”
Evelyn contemplated me for a minute. “Listen, little brother, you carry around a lot of baggage for things you think are your fault that aren’t. You take responsibility. Are you sure you actually did something that bad?”
My sister was always biased when it came to me. When I didn’t respond, she shook her head and continued. “You’re a good man. Whatever’s going on, I know you’ll make the right choice. I can’t imagine you ever caring about someone and intentionally hurting them.”
My sister was right about one thing. I never intended to hurt Rachel. Or Liam, for that matter. But I’d made a lot of bad choices over the years, and other people suffered the consequences. I’d missed doing the right thing for Liam—didn’t see that the pressure was too much, that the band and the label contract were more than he could handle until it was too late. With Rachel, I should have told someone what I suspected the day she walked into that confessional. But instead I lied to an innocent girl, pretending to be a priest for months. She had scars left by my mistakes. I’d done enough damage to her.
I hated that her eyes brightened when I asked her to go for a cup of coffee after class the next day.
“So, according to Cosmo, I like you,” she announced.
We’d ordered two coffees and sat at a quiet table in the back of the coffee shop. Rachel was attempting to act like nothing was wrong, but I heard the shake in her voice and noted the way she twisted her watch back and forth.
“More quizzes?”
“Yep. Question nine was iffy,” she teased. “It asked if I’d still be physically attracted to you if you gained sixty pounds, went bald, and suddenly became unemployed. My pen was hovering over a certain answer, but then I remembered you like to blindfold me anyway.” She smiled and fuck, it hurt.
When I didn’t respond, Rachel thought I was offended.
“I’m teasing, you know,” she said.
I nodded and cleared my throat. It felt like my balls were stuck in there as I attempted to get out the words I needed to say.
“Listen, Rachel…I can’t do this anymore.”
Her smile wilted. She knew what I was saying, yet still found a way to cling to hope.
“What? Hang out on campus? No one thinks it’s odd. I see TAs and professors together all the time.”
“I didn’t mean spend time on campus. I meant spend time at all. We can’t see each other anymore.”
“Why? I don’t understand?”
I’d decided after talking to my sister last night that there was no use in telling her anything about the church, about us fifteen years ago. Why hurt her by dredging up more shit when I didn’t have to?
“You’re my student. What happened between us shouldn’t have ever started.”
Sadness transformed into anger on her face. “That’s bullshit. You don’t care about that. And besides, the semester is halfway over.”
“I’m sorry.” I looked down because it was too hard to lie to her beautiful face. “It should have never happened.”
“Screw you.”
“I’ll stay on as your thesis advisor. This is my fault and shouldn’t affect you in any way.”
“It shouldn’t affect me?”
“Rachel…”
She stood. “You know what, Caine? For a long time I felt unworthy of love, ashamed of things that happened in my life, regretting my choices. It wasn’t until the last few weeks that I started to realize I’m not my past. I don’t ever want to be someone’s regret. So go fuck yourself.”
On instinct, I grabbed her arm as she brushed past me. Tears filled her eyes, and I knew she wanted to leave before I saw them, didn’t want me to see her upset. God, I wanted to rewind and erase everything I’d just said. But instead, I released her arm and let her go. It was the best thing I could do for her, even if it didn’t feel that way in the moment.
I couldn’t turn around and watch her walk out. Squeezing my eyes shut, I listened to the sound of her footsteps become more and more distant until I couldn’t hear her at all anymore.
Rachel was right about one thing—she was my regret. Just not in the way she thought. I’d always regret letting her go.
Rachel
Out of habit, I began to walk to the seat I’d occupied since the beginning of the semester. But then I stopped. Screw this. There was no reason to subject myself to a front-and-center view of the mighty professor. I’d do my job, attend the classes I was required to sit in on, teach the extra-help sessions, grade papers—all of it. But I didn’t have to sit where he’d told me he preferred I sit. Not anymore.
Looking around the room, I smirked, seeing an open seat next to Mr. Ludwig. Let him have a close-up view of my body so he can sketch—someone might as well appreciate it.
It was almost seventy-five degrees today, but my seatmate still had his wool beanie on.
“Hey.” He smiled at me. “Professor Stick Up His Ass let you off lockdown? I thought I was going to have to move up to the front just to get to ask you to go for coffee after class one day.”
“Did you need help with something? You haven’t come to any of my extra-help sessions.”
Beanie boy smiled. He was cute, in a college frat boy, dimpled kind of way. “Nope. Don’t need extra help. Just need coffee with you.”
I felt a presence behind me. Seeing the flirt’s eyes lift from my breasts to over my shoulder and his cheeky expression disappear, I knew who it was.
I kept ignoring him, hoping he would take the hint. No such luck.
“Rachel.” Caine cleared his throat. “Can I see you after class, please?”