I noticed a wall full of frames, similar to what Rachel had in her apartment, but didn’t stop to look before going to the bathroom. On the way back, I noticed most of the pictures were of the same little blond boy at various stages of growing up. Assuming it was Riley’s son, Adam, I didn’t want to stop and call attention to it, in case speaking about him was difficult.
I’d almost made it past the picture-lined hall when a small photo caught my eye. It was of two little girls standing in the grass—the younger girl was probably three or four, and the older was maybe eight or nine, but it was definitely Rachel and her sister.
I stopped and zoomed in on the younger girl. The photo was old and grainy, but something about it set off an alarm inside of me. My posture straightened as I stared.
“She always insisted on making her own ponytail. It was always crooked, but she was adamant that she had to do it herself.” Riley joined me at the wall of photos and handed me a glass. “It’s iced tea.”
I took it without moving my eyes. There was something so familiar about the picture. Of course, it would be familiar to me considering Rachel hadn’t changed all that much—but it was more than that. My eyes darted all over the wall.
“Do you have other pictures of the two of you?”
Rachel joined us. “You asked to see a picture of me when I was little the other day.” She bumped my shoulder playfully. “If Riley is going to show you embarrassing pictures, I better get to see some pictures of you when you were little.”
I think I nodded, but I couldn’t be sure. My mind was still too focused on Rachel’s little face in the picture. After a minute, Riley returned with an album.
“Come on, I’ll show you how chunky my sister was when she was a baby. Our mom used to like to take pictures of her naked while she gave her a bath in the sink. Rachel had dimples, but not on her face.”
The three of us sat down together on the couch, a sister on either side of me, and Riley began to flip through an old photo album. She pointed to a photo, which I assumed was Riley holding a newborn Rachel. “I hated her when Mom brought her home. She stole all my attention.”
Rachel chided, “My mother told her to keep small objects away from me because I could choke, and she used to flick pennies at the bassinet.”
“I did not.” Riley turned to me and winked. “It was quarters. Those were too big for her to really choke on anyway.”
I attempted to seem interested, but something gnawed at me. I knew what it was, but figured it was my imagination running wild. Still, I couldn’t seem to let it go. Riley flipped through most of the album—in almost all of the pictures Rachel was very young.
“There aren’t too many pictures of us after Rachel was about five or six. That’s when our mom got sick.”
“Rachel told me. I’m sorry for your loss.”
Riley nodded. “Thank you. The two years after she died, before we moved in with the Martins, weren’t good times we wanted to capture in photos anyway.”
“I didn’t realize you hadn’t moved in with your aunt and uncle right away after your mother died. Did you live in foster care or something?”
Rachel and Riley looked at each other. There was a silent exchange before Rachel spoke.
“No. We lived with our stepfather after Mom died.”
I looked at Rachel. “I thought you said your mother didn’t remarry.”
Riley looked between the two of us and closed the photo album. “We both like to pretend he never existed.” She stood. “I’m going to check my sauce.”
After Riley was gone, Rachel took my hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you. It’s just…my sister’s right. It’s easier to pretend there was no Benny.” She spoke softly. “He wasn’t a nice guy.”
Benny.
Fucking Benny.
The name hit me like a blow to the gut.
I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through dinner. I kept sneaking looks at Rachel, and every time I did, I saw the little girl from the confessional. It was goddamn clear as day now, even though I hadn’t seen it at all before. Suddenly I couldn’t get the one clear look at her I’d stolen across the length of the church all those years ago out of my head. Whenever I looked at her, I was staring right into her sweet little ten-year-old face.
Willing myself to snap out of the fog, I finally noticed Rachel looking at me with concern. Abruptly, I pulled back from the table and stood.
“Excuse me for a moment.”
I went back to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Beads of sweat had formed on my forehead and top lip. I’d never had a panic attack, but I was sure this was exactly what one felt like. My heart ricocheted against the wall of my chest, and the simple act of breathing was an effort. I bent over the sink and focused on inhaling and exhaling for a few minutes before splashing water on my face.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been locked in the bathroom, but when I emerged, Rachel waited for me in the hall.
“Are you okay?” Her hand went to my clammy forehead. “You don’t look so good.”
“Actually, I’m not. I don’t feel so well. It started in class today, and I thought it was the heat, but it must be some sort of a virus.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. What can I do? Do you want some ginger ale or a cool rag? Maybe you should lie down on the couch for a while.”
“I’m okay. But I think I should go.”
“Oh. Okay. I understand. Let me just tell Riley, and I’ll grab my purse.”
“No,” I said, probably a little too quickly.
“No?”
“You should stay. I don’t want to ruin your evening. Is your sister able to drive you home?”
“I guess so…”
“I’m sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow in class, alright?”
“Yes, okay.”
While her words said everything was fine, Rachel’s face conveyed a whole different story. I wasn’t sure she was even buying my sick act, but I needed to get the hell out of here.
After a quick apology and goodbye to Riley, I was out the door. Feeling off-kilter, I questioned whether it was a good idea to get behind the wheel. When I arrived home, I realized it had definitely been a bad idea. I didn’t remember driving from Rachel’s sister’s place to mine.