“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” I told him, thumping back in my seat.
Georgia gestured at the board. “Does anyone want to talk about the second question?”
No one wanted to talk about the second question.
I crossed my arms over my chest. I felt a sort of beautiful detachment from the scene, a sort of objectivity that I never seemed to have when Dee was around. I was getting over her. I could actually be getting over her. “I just don’t think Hamlet should be taking Ophelia’s calls if he’s only going to lie to her,” I said. “Ophelia’s slowly coming to grips with Hamlet tearing out her heart and being just friends, but even just friends don’t lie to each other.”
Georgia made a face and started to speak, but Paul put a finger to his lips and watched Dee.
Dee’s voice was very quiet, and it wasn’t her school voice anymore. You know how everyone has two voices—the voice they use in public and the voice that’s just for you, the voice they use when you’re alone with them and nobody else can hear. She used that one, the one from last summer, back when I really believed we’d have summer upon summer without change. “Hamlet can’t stand to see Ophelia get hurt again.”
She looked at me. Not at my eyes, but at my scar above my ear.
“Oh,” I said.
For some reason, I never realized until that moment—when Dee looked at my scar and used that old voice—that she really did love me too. All along, she’d loved me, just not the way I’d wanted her to.
Well, crap.
The autumn wind that came in the tall windows along the wall seemed colder, scented with incongruous odors: thyme and clover and the damp smell that appears when you turn over a rock. I sort of sat there and didn’t say anything for way too long.
“Could James and Paul come up here and see me for a moment, please?” Linnet was at the front desk, face ominous. She looked much more teacherly than Sullivan did, sitting behind the desk instead of on it. I made a note to never sit behind a desk. “Deirdre and Georgia, you two can keep discussing.”
I stood up, but before I went up to the front with Paul, I touched the back of Dee’s hand. I don’t know if she knew what I meant, but I wanted her to understand that I—I don’t know what I wanted her to understand. I guess I somehow wanted her to know that I finally got it. I didn’t get to see her face after I touched her hand, but I saw Georgia frowning after me and Paul.
Up at the front of the classroom, Paul and I stood before Linnet’s desk like soldiers waiting to be knighted. Well, I did, anyway. Paul fidgeted. I didn’t think he’d ever been in trouble before.
“Are you two friends?” Linnet asked. She was a tiny bird behind the desk, her hair ruffling like blonde feathers. She blinked up at us, eyes dark and wary.
I was about to expound upon the near blood-bond between us when Paul said, “Roommates too.”
“Well.” Linnet spread our outlines out in front of her. “Then I don’t understand. Is this some sort of cheating or plagiarism? Or some sort of very unfunny practical joke? It’s not my job to grade Mr. Sullivan’s papers, but I couldn’t help but notice that your outlines for the composition project are identical.”
Paul looked at me. I looked at Linnet. “It’s neither. Didn’t you read them?”
Linnet made a vague hand gesture. “They were both gibberish to me.” She pulled the title page of mine close and read it aloud:
“Ballad:
A Play in Three Acts,
to rely heavily upon Metaphor,
meaningful only to those
who see the World as it really is.”
She looked at us, an eyebrow arched. “I don’t see how this fits into the assignment—isn’t it a ten-page essay on metaphor? And it doesn’t explain why your outline is the same as Paul’s.”
“Sul—Mr. Sullivan will understand.” I was tempted to take the outlines from her before she wrote something on them with the red pen lying inches away from her fingers. “It’s a group project, and the play itself is our essay. We’re writing and performing it together.”
“Just the two of you? Like a skit?”
I didn’t really see why I needed to explain this to her, when she wasn’t going to be the one giving us our grade. She was bending the corner of one of the outlines back and forth, her eyes on us. I wanted to smack her fingers. “Me and Paul and some others. Like I said, Mr. Sullivan will be okay with it.”
“Are others doing projects like this?” Linnet frowned at us and then at the creased corner on the outline, as if she couldn’t figure out how the crease had gotten there. “It seems unfair to grade such a drastically different project on the same scale as other, more traditional compositions that followed the rules.”
Oh, God, she was going to start talking about rules, and I wasn’t going to be able to keep myself from saying something incredibly sarcastic and I would get Angel Paul into trouble by association. I bit the inside of my lip and tried not to glare.
“Mr. Sullivan is new to Thornking-Ash. Quite new to teaching as well. I don’t think he understands the ramifications of allowing students to stray too far from the boundaries.” Linnet stacked our outlines and reached for the red pen. I winced as she marked formatting/structure on the top of each of them. “I think I’ll have a talk with him when he gets back. You will probably have to redo these outlines. I’m sorry if he let you think you could interpret his assignment so loosely.”
I wanted to snap something really cutting back, like sorry you decided to interpret “looking female” so loosely or who died and made you God, sweetheart, but I just gave her a tight smile. “Right. Anything else?”
She frowned at me, as if I really had said my choice phrases out loud. “I know about kids like you, Mr. Morgan. You think you’re something special, but just wait until you’re in the real world. You’re no more special than anyone else, and all your wit and disdain of authority will get you absolutely nowhere. Mr. Sullivan might think you’re a shooting star, but I assure you, I do not. I watch stars like you burn out in the atmosphere every day.”
“Thanks for the tip,” I said.
I was playing like crap. I was standing on top of my gorgeous hill in the middle of the gorgeous day and everything was super-saturated with fall colors and my pipes sounded great and the air felt perfect on my skin and I couldn’t focus on a single thing.
Dee’s big red F.
Paul’s list of the dead.
Nuala’s fingers on my wrist.
I closed my eyes and stopped playing. I exhaled slowly and tried to focus on that narrow part of myself that I retreated into during competitions, but it felt like an inaccessible crack that I was too unwieldy and strung out to fit into.
I opened my eyes again. The hill was still empty because everyone else was in ensemble classes or private lessons. Good thing, too. Because it meant there was no one around to hear me suck. Maybe I was just a big shooting star like Linnet said, and I’d be a big nobody in a desk job when I got out of this place.
I gazed down at my shadow, blue-green and long across the trampled grass, and as I did, another long shadow appeared beside it.
“You suck today,” Nuala observed from behind me.
“Thanks for making me feel better,” I said.
“I’m not supposed to make you feel better.” Nuala moved around to face me, and I swallowed when I saw her hip-huggers and clingy T-shirt that was every color of the ocean, like her eyes. “I’m supposed to make you play better. I brought you something.”
She held out her fist toward me and opened her fingers for the great reveal.
“Nuala,” I said, reaching out to take her gift. “It’s a rock.” I held it up to my face to look at it closer, but it really was just a rock. About the length of my thumb, opaque white, and worn smooth by time.
Nuala snorted and snatched it out of my hand before I could stop her. “It’s a worry stone,” she said. “Look, stupid human.” She rested the rock in her palm and rubbed her thumb and forefinger over its surface.
“What’s it supposed to do again?”
Nuala swapped the rock to her left hand and took my thumb in her right one, holding it the same way she’d just been holding the worry stone. “You rub it,” she said, and one side of her mouth curled up, “To relax you.” She ran her thumb and forefinger over my thumb, just as she’d done with the stone. Her fingers grazed my skin, leaving behind invisible promises and oh freaking hell my knees went weak with it.
She grinned and slapped the stone into my hand. “Yeah. You get the idea. You rub the stone when you get anxious or need to think. I thought it might keep you from writing on your hands. Not that that will keep you from being a neurotic freak. But it’ll keep other people from being able to tell you’re a neurotic freak, until it’s too late.”
I swallowed, again, but for a different reason this time. The worry stone was maybe the most thoughtful thing I’d ever gotten from someone. I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t had to fake gratitude for a gift, and now that I actually was grateful, thank you didn’t seem to cut it.
It seemed wrong that the first thing that came to mind was a sarcastic response. Something to deflect this warm feeling in my cheeks and put me back in control of myself.
“You can thank me later.” Nuala wiped her palms on her jeans, although there was nothing on the rock to dirty them. “Next time you forget to bring a pen with you.”
“It—” I stopped because my voice sounded weird.
“I know,” she said. “Now, are you going to play, or what? You can’t just stop with that last jig. It was, like—”
“Absolute crap?” I suggested in a totally normal voice, pocketing the stone and readjusting my pipes.
“I was going to say something nicer, like … nah, you’re right. Absolute crap does it.” She paused, and her face turned into something quite different. Almost innocent. “Can we play my tune?” She meant the one she’d sent me in the dream, the one I’d played on the piano.
I sort of hated to tell her no. I felt I should reward her brief moments of lucidity and non-homicidal behavior. “Won’t fit into the range of the pipes.”
“We can change it.”
I made a face. We could squash it to fit, but it would suck the life out of it. The joy of the tune was in the high bits, and those were beyond the reach of the pipes.
“It won’t be bad. C’mon,” Nuala said. She seemed to realize that she sounded sweet, because her eyebrows arched sharply and she added, “It can’t be any worse than the jig you were just butchering.”
“Ha. You wound me with your words like knives. Fine. Show me I’m wrong.”
I readjusted my pipes again and Nuala stood at my shoulder. Our shadows became one blue-green shape on the grass below, two legs and four arms. I hesitated for just a moment before reaching behind me to catch one of her hands. I pulled it around me so that her fingers were stretched over the pipe chanter. Her hand looked small on the chanter, stretching to cover all the holes.
