The three sisters look at each other quietly for a few minutes before they all smile.
“I’m sorry I ruined your wedding,” Molly tells Charlotte.
“I’m sorry I made you lie to everyone and carry my baby,” Charlotte replies with a shrug. “I’d hug you, but you still smell like meat.”
Molly nods, leaning her head on my shoulder as I shake her puke off my shoes.
Charlotte, Molly and Liz turn their heads towards Ava and wait for her to apologize.
“I’m sorry I’ve had to put up with you two slutty cock-knobs my entire life.”
Liz sighs and Ava rolls her eyes.
“Fine! You know I hate all this touchy-feely shit,” she grumbles. “I love you fuckers. I’m sorry I couldn’t be less of an asshole than you two and it took this shit to bring us together.”
Satisfied with the apologies and the love in the room, Liz drops her arms from around Ava and Charlotte, motioning towards the back of the room.
“It’s T-Time, assholes. I need a drink.”
Everyone cheers and they all follow Liz as she leads them to the bar, leaving Molly and I alone.
I wrap my arms around Molly and hold her tight as we watch Gavin and Charlotte bring up the rear holding hands, staring at each other lovingly despite the crazy train their wedding turned in to.
“I love you and I really like your family, but we’re eloping when we get married,” I tell Molly.
“Oh, there is no fucking way we’re inviting any of these lunatics,” she agrees, wrapping her arms around my waist as we make our way across the room to continue celebrating with all the crazies.
Epilogue
Molly
One year later…
“God dammit, Tom Brady,” Uncle Drew mutters, shaking his head at the meerkat he has on a leash. “Your dick is going to fall off if you keep it up.”
Mom’s face curls up in disgust as she stares at the new stain on her carpet.
“Drew, get that damn animal out of my house. That’s the third time today he’s jerked-off on my carpet. What the fuck is wrong with him?”
Uncle Drew bends forward in his chair and quickly covers the animal’s ears. “Don’t yell at Tom Brady! It’s not his fault he has a healthy libido.”
After the night of the bachelor and bachelorette parties, Uncle Drew got a call from the zookeeper informing him that due to the trauma the meerkat sustained, he was suffering from PTSD and his behavior was scaring the zoo guests. To save the animal from being shipped back to Australia and placed in a home for wayward meerkats, Uncle Drew adopted him. I don’t know how that’s legal and I don’t want to know. It’s always best to never ask questions in this family.
“Alright, in honor of this momentous occasion, I think we need a T-Time,” mom announces as she goes around the living room handing out shot glasses and filling them with cherry vodka.
I look around the room and smile as my family laughs and jokes with each other while my mom finishes her bartender duties. They’re certifiably insane and drive me crazy, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I spent so long being an outsider that I never felt like I fit in and often wondered if I was adopted. All I needed to do was go a little crazy myself and realize we aren’t that different. We might not all be blood, but we’re all family and we found each other because of one crazy decision my Aunt Claire made at a frat party all those years ago. We’ve stuck by each other through crazy situations and continue to love each other because that’s what families do, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I can’t believe you actually want to watch this,” Aunt Claire complains when my mom finishes with everyone’s shots and sets the empty bottle on the coffee table.
“I feel bad all that footage went to waste. We owe it to Dicky Daren for what he went through,” mom explains, taking a seat in between Aunt Claire and dad.
After six months of following our family around and another three months of the production company editing the hundreds of hours they filmed down to two, they were unable to sell it to any network. It’s a sad, sad day when even the adult film networks passed because our documentary was just too inappropriate for television.
“I bet it was Tom Brady that put them over the edge,” Uncle Drew announces sadly.
“I’m pretty sure it was the audio recording of Molly regurgitating a dick,” Ava laughs.
Everyone joins in and my face heats in embarrassment.
“Have I apologized for not remembering to take my mic off that night?” Marco whispers close to my ear.
I turn my face towards him and the tips of our noses touch. “Don’t worry, you’ll be making it up to me later tonight. I brought home a few new samples from work for us to try.”
His eyes light up and he kisses the tip of my nose.
“I hope it’s those satin wrist ties. You’ll look so hot tied to my bed so I can have my way with you,” he tells me with a wink.
Reaching my hand up between us, I pat my palm against his cheek. “Actually, it’s a ball gag and butt plug. You’ll look so hot when I violate you on my bed.”
His eyes widen in fear and I leave him to his worry when my mom instructs everyone to hold up their glasses.
Uncle Drew puts Tom Brady back on the floor by his feet, wrapping his arm around Aunt Jenny’s waste as she sits on his lap and they both raise their shot glasses in the air.
Dad and Uncle Carter, on either end of the couch, hold their arms high while mom and Aunt Claire, squished in between them, tilt their heads together and raise their own glasses.
Gavin stops pacing behind the couch and shifts Molly Marco Ellis, his five-month-old sleeping daughter, to his other shoulder to grab the shot Charlotte hands him. When he takes it, Charlotte softly rubs Molly’s back, places a kiss on her daughter’s head and holds up her own shot.
“Hey, Marco, I forgot to tell you Ava and I tried out chapter twelve of Baking and Babies when we were watching little Molly Marco the other day,” Tyler tells him, throwing his arm around Ava’s shoulders as they lean against the side of the coffee table on the floor. “Bouncy Seat Brownies and Blowjobs was a hit, man. Well done!”
Tyler points his shot glass in Marco’s direction and smiles. He catches Charlotte glaring at him from across the room and shrugs.
“You had sex while you were babysitting our child?” Gavin scolds.
“She was safely strapped into her bouncy seat facing the wall, just like the cookbook instructed,” Tyler tells them with a roll of his eyes.
“Remind me again why we let him watch our daughter?” Gavin asks Charlotte.
“Because you wanted to practice chapter nine—Naptime Noodles and Nipples, to make sure we could really do it in thirty minutes or less,” Charlotte whispers.
Marco’s second cookbook took off bigger and better than the first one and he managed to save enough money to buy his own home. Since I decided it wasn’t right to take any of Charlotte and Gavin’s wedding money even though I earned it, I stayed with my parents until Marco closed on the house and asked me to move in with him.
By baking me a soufflé, that I’m happy to say he was able to get up, and keep up.
Mom leans forward on the couch and glances around the room with a confused look on her face.
“What’s up, slut? I thought we were doing T-Time?” Aunt Claire asks her.
“I just feel like we’re missing a few people,” mom mutters.
“Well, we did have a shit ton of kids, it’s hard to keep track of them all,” Dad tells her.
“It’s easy to forget what’s-their-names since we hardly ever mention them. Wait, isn’t one of them our daughter?” Uncle Carter asks.
“Shit, Sophia! That’s her name!” Aunt Claire shouts. “I think she’s away at college, right?”