Somehow, though, I found strength I didn’t know I had and pulled away from his kiss, not wanting to mislead him.
He didn’t deserve that.
Reluctantly, Killian let me go, a scowl marring his brow as I stumbled away from him. “What is it?”
I couldn’t hide why I was here. The anguish blazed in my eyes as I stared at him.
Understanding flared in his and then anger. “Why?” he bit out.
“Because I promised someone that the next time I committed to love that the man I chose would be a man who loved me enough to put my happiness before his own.”
Killian stared at me incredulously. “You know I love you. I’ve told you that. And I have never . . . told a woman that I loved her.”
“I know you love me,” I replied. “And I love you. That’s why I’m not going to fight this contract. A contract we both know I signed when I was in no fit state to do so. I’m not blaming you for that. I’m a grown woman; it was my mistake. I just didn’t realize how much unhappiness I was opening myself up to again when I signed it.”
“Skylar.” He crossed the room, reaching for me, but I held him off. He wasn’t happy but he stayed back. “It’ll be different this time.”
“No, it won’t.” I shook my head. “Can’t you see that? It’s too late, Killian. I’m out there and if I put this album out, I stay out there. Your team can take over my social media and relieve me of that pressure, but that won’t stop the fact that my decisions and choices will still be watched and judged. The anxiety that causes will always make me miserable. I love performing and I love writing music, but it comes with this shitstorm that I . . .” I took a shuddering breath. “One album. I only have to get through promoting one album. And then I’m done.” Our eyes met, his filled with disbelief and anger, mine with heartbreak. “I’m giving up the fame. That’s the only thing that will make me happy.”
“Not me?” he whispered.
“I love you.” The tears spilled down my cheeks before I could stop them. “I will always love you. And I want you to have everything that you’ve ever wanted.” I gestured around the room, signifying the label. “But I need to be with someone who wants me to have all those things too. It would always be between us, and over time I’d grow to resent you for it. I know. I’ve been there before. And I don’t want that with you.”
Tears shimmered in his eyes, the show of emotion almost cutting me off at the knees as he stumbled toward me. “Don’t you think I would change it if I could? Don’t you think I fucking hate myself for putting you in this position?” He grabbed hold of my shoulders, pulling me into him. “Forgive me,” he pleaded, “and we can get through this album and then it’s over and you can have the life you want. With me.”
“Don’t,” I begged, trying to pull away, but he held me fast. “Killian, please.”
“I love you.” His voice shook as he pressed his forehead to mine. “I can’t lose you. I don’t know what will happen to me if I lose you.”
I cried harder. “Killian.”
“Please,” he choked out.
I couldn’t stand it. His plea was like a vise wrapping itself around my chest, the pain was so bad. “I have to go.” I pushed him away, fleeing his office, unable to bear his heartbreak on top of mine. He would weaken my resolve. I knew he would. And the thing was, we might seem okay at first, but I knew that just as it had with Micah, over time our feelings would turn toxic with resentment. Knowing I loved him more than he loved me would turn me into a ball of insecurity. I didn’t deserve that.
Thankfully, I didn’t pass anyone in the hall, ducking my head as I shot through reception to the elevator.
But I couldn’t hide my tearstained face from Rick and Angus when I hit the main reception of the building. Angus stepped forward and pulled the hood up on my coat. “Duck your head,” he murmured kindly. “Don’t let them see.”
I shivered, realizing the press had found us at the label.
They’d have a field day with that.
And I was right.
As I tried to erase the memory of Killian’s distraught expression, I was surrounded by the paparazzi.
“Skylar, are you making music again?”
“How was it to be homeless?”
“Skylar, what was life on the streets like?”
“Do you think you need professional help?”
Rick growled at that, shoving aside the guy who said it, and he hurried me into the car.
As soon as we were safely inside, I pulled down the hood and watched the city pass me by. I bit my lip so hard trying to hold back my tears, I tasted the coppery tang of blood.
It wasn’t until I got back to the hotel that I let the emotion flood out of me. I sobbed so hard, my ribs hurt.
I thought at one point I might actually die from the pain.
* * *
THE ROOM FELL DARK AS clouds moved through the sky. But as I sat on the floor at the end of the bed, staring at nothing, wishing I felt nothing, I had no idea how much time had passed.
My cell rang a couple of times but I ignored it.
I heard the click of the lock on my hotel door and I whipped my head around. Fear made me freeze.
But it was Autumn.
I forgot I’d given her a keycard when we checked me in.
She shut the door behind her and leaned against it. She looked so sad. “Oh, Skylar.”
Renewed tears trembled on my lashes.
Fuck, would they ever stop?
My friend crossed the room, dropping her bag and keycard on the bed, before she slid down next to me and put her arm around me. The relief that I hadn’t lost her too caused the tears to fall again.
“Sshhh,” she hushed, rubbing my shoulder in comfort. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” It felt like it would never be okay.
“I know,” Autumn admitted. “I know it’s not. But one day it will be again.”
“Can we get to that place now, please? I’d like to skip this heartrending, feeling-like-I’m-going-to-die bullshit.”
She laughed without humor and squeezed me closer. “It’ll come.”
“I ran out on the cover shoot,” I muttered. Like it mattered.
“You weren’t the only one.” Worry rang in her words as she told me, “Eve called me and told me you and Killian disappeared. That you’d left the building separately, both seeming upset according to Justin in reception. I tried my brother and couldn’t get him. So I went to his flat.” Her voice broke on the last word and I tensed against her. “I’ve only ever seen him like that once before. He was eighteen. It was the seventh anniversary of our parents’ death. But never again . . . until now.”
“I’m sorry.” My face crumpled.
“Oh, no, no,” she soothed. “Don’t. I always knew that one day I wouldn’t be able to protect him from himself. As soon as I saw how you were together, how he felt about you, I knew this was it. He manipulated the one person he shouldn’t have and now he . . .” Her voice hitched. “Now he just has to live with that.”
“Is . . . is he in pain?”
“Yes.”
I looked at her. Autumn stared straight ahead as tears slipped down her cheeks. His pain was her pain and vice versa. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’ve been through so much, Skylar. You need to do what’s right for you. And you’re right. Even if you stayed together, you’d end up resenting him, always questioning why he couldn’t put you first.”
Realizing Killian had told her I’d said that, I wondered if he’d told her everything. “I do love him.”
She turned to look at me. “I know that. He knows that. Otherwise you’d find a way to get out of this contract.”
“I can’t do that to him. Or to me. I made a promise and I intend to keep it.”
Autumn sighed heavily, wearily. “There is a ton of press outside. Do you think they ever eat?”
I snorted. “I couldn’t care less. I hate them.”
“I know. The world doesn’t hate you, though. Everyone thinks you’re very brave for posting that video. I do too.”