Suddenly the idea of googling the band and Micah put a knot in my stomach. That was information that would one hundred percent ruin my happy. I didn’t want to ruin my happy.
It was selfish, self-indulgent, and the opposite of the kind of person I wanted to be, so I promised myself two days. Two days of enjoying Killian, and then I’d return to the reality of moving on.
“Let’s leave it for a few days.”
“HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH anyone famous?”
Killian lay on my bed in nothing but his boxers and gave me a low-lidded, dry look. It was hot. Okay, to be fair, everything about him was hot. “You know, in some cultures they call what we just did sex.”
I huffed. “I meant with someone other than me.”
I saw the curiosity in his eyes. “Are you trying to ask me if I have a thing for famous people?”
Chuckling at the ridiculousness of that, I shook my head. “No. I merely wondered, since you’re in the music business, if you’d ‘shagged’ someone famous.”
“Don’t say shagged,” he said, laughter in his voice.
“I won’t. But you should. It sounds so much sexier in your accent.”
“Have I shagged a famous person other than you?”
“Mmm?” I was sitting up, turned into him, reveling in the intimacy of being with him like this after another round of amazing sex. I’d spent the day messing around on my guitar. I couldn’t play too much too often, but I was getting somewhere, and that, along with the abundance of endorphins released during two nights of epic sex, made me feel better than I had in a long time. Killian had left the office early and arrived at my apartment with Thai food. We’d talked while we ate and then not too long later jumped each other.
“No. I was either working with them or knew there was a possibility I could end up working with them.” He reached out and curled a hand around my thigh. “It’s usually a bad idea to mix business with pleasure.”
“I have heard that somewhere,” I teased. “So you’re saying you’ve been in a position where it was an option for you to sleep with your label’s artists? Someone has tried to get you in the sack?”
He shrugged arrogantly. “Tried and failed.”
I fluttered my eyelashes in ridicule of his sexy obnoxiousness. “I managed to lay Killian O’Dea. I do feel special.”
He attempted to tickle me in punishment and I laughed, struggling to get away from him. But his strong arms banded around me and he tugged me down beside him, tucking me into his side. “You need to start working out or it’s going to be really easy to win every play fight with you.”
“I’m thinking about working out again. I used to have a personal trainer.” I lifted my wrist. “It’s getting better. We had all that sex, I played the guitar, and it’s only twinging a little.”
Killian gently held my wrist to his mouth. He pressed a reverent kiss to it that made my heart swell.
Romantic bastard.
What was he doing to me?
Then he disarmed me further. “Did you only ever date famous men?”
It was only fair that I respond since he did. I shrugged against him. “I didn’t actually date a lot. Micah caused too much drama about it.”
“Aye, manipulative little shit.”
That was true, but I still didn’t like Killian insulting him. Not wanting him to misconstrue my defense of Micah as anything but years of friendship, I stayed quiet.
“You were photographed with famous guys in the tabloids,” he pressed hesitantly. “None of that was real?”
“Some. Max.”
“Max Carter? From Talking Trees?”
“You did research me, huh?” I teased. “Yes. Max. And it was real. I’m not saying we were in love but we cared about each other.”
“What happened?”
“Micah happened,” I said, my bitterness hard to miss. “Max knew Micah was filling his head with nonsense about us to try and make him crazy insecure. Max was too smart for that. But he was also a very cool guy. Non-confrontational, laid-back, a zero-drama kind of guy. And he couldn’t handle the Micah twenty-four/seven drama. So he broke up with me.”
“Then you’re better off without him.”
I smiled. “I just had multiple orgasms. I’m well aware I’m better off without him.”
Killian grunted and caressed my arm.
“Mostly I had flings though,” I continued. “Jay Preston.”
“From Cabin Fever?”
“Yes. And Danny Alexander.”
I felt his gaze and turned my head on his shoulder to look up at him. He was surprised. “The superhero-movies guy? He’s what? Twenty years older than you?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Don’t sound so judgy. I was drunk. And it happened in the bathroom of the VIP section in a nightclub. Very romantic.”
His lips tightened.
“You’re judging me.”
“Just . . . spare me the actual details.”
I didn’t particularly think that was detailed. Caveman. “Okay. I’ll spare you the Spence Holloway details, then.”
“That name is vaguely familiar.”
“Supporting actor in that dystopian movie.”
“Your big-break song?”
“That’s the one. We got to meet the cast at an awards show. I was lonely. He was there.”
He gave me a squeeze. “Is that all of them, then?”
Nope. There was one more. But it was kind of a painful memory. I snuggled deeper into him and laid my hand on his chest so I could feel his heart beneath my palm. “Not long after the first album dropped, I turned eighteen. Micah and I had decided before the band even took off that we wouldn’t pursue a relationship with one another for the sake of the band. We were struggling with it. And I was starting to think it was bullshit. That no band was worth not being with the guy I loved. I got the feeling he felt the same way, and when he gave me this stupidly expensive bracelet for my birthday, I believed it meant something.
“That night we had plans to go to a party we’d been invited to. It was at the actor Jack James’ Malibu beach house. We thought we’d made it.” I gave a huff of laughter but I wasn’t really amused by the memory of how naive I’d been. “I got all dressed up but decided I wanted Micah and I to work things out . . . maybe go as a couple. So, I dropped by the apartment he was staying in with the guys and I found him screwing the brains out of some girl. Something that became a regular pattern in our relationship. I’d make myself vulnerable and he’d fuck someone else. He’d make himself vulnerable and I’d punish him for the many times he’d fucked someone else. We were toxic to each other.
“Anyway, I went to that party heartbroken. Naturally, I got wasted.” The memory was still a pressing weight of regret on my chest. “I ended up losing my virginity to Mike Roth. The guy from that teen drama set in Boston where everyone is ridiculously beautiful and rich. Anyway, he got off, didn’t get me off, got off me, and left me in a stranger’s bedroom like I was a common prostitute.”
I’d felt worthless. And so goddamned alone.
Killian’s arm tightened around me and I felt his lips brush my forehead.
“I know I shouldn’t because it wasn’t his fault, but I blamed Micah for that too.”
“I’m sorry, Skylar. I wish it hadn’t been that way for you.”
“Long time ago now.” It was also time to shake it off.
“Did you and Micah ever . . . ?” Killian prompted, sounding like he needed to know as much as he didn’t want to know.
“About a year later. Despite my not-so-nice experience with Roth, I gave Spence a shot. It was marginally better. But Micah found out and lost his shit. We argued. It turned into sex. But afterward I was still hurt about the groupies and I said that sex didn’t change anything. I was horrible. I hurt him. Really badly,” I whispered the last in regret. “It took me less than a day to decide I’d made a terrible mistake, that I needed to stop punishing him, and get over it. A fresh start together. But when I went to tell him, he was screwing a groupie. She actually asked for my autograph while he was inside her.”