Gods, Lea and I had been far from best-friends-forever, but we’d come so far. I’d respected her, probably longer than I’d realized, and the same went for her. There was so much between us that needed to be addressed—to be repaired—but there would be no more time. And even though we’d spent the better part of whatever time we’d been together hating on one another, she’d come to my aid and she’d stood her ground.
Realizing that cut so deep it matched the pain of Caleb’s loss.
“Alex,” Aiden said from behind me.
I shook my head. “I can’t… I can’t do this right now.” My voice cracked. “I need a few minutes.”
He hesitated, and then I felt his hand on my shoulder. I pulled free and walked ahead, dragging in deep breaths even though they didn’t seem to be pulling enough air into my lungs. I couldn’t afford to lose it like I had after Caleb’s death. I couldn’t disconnect from this or self-destruct. I had to deal, but…
Godsdammit. I bent over, placing my hands on my knees. The urge to vomit was strong, but there was nothing coming up.
Had I apologized to her about what a douchebag I’d been to her when we were kids? I didn’t think so. I squeezed my eyes shut and saw her body lying on the ground back there.
Alex? There was a pause and the bond pulled taut. What’s happening!
I sat down—probably fell down—for the second time that night. Keeping my eyes closed, I kept the shields up but followed the bond to Seth. I didn’t know how to feel about that. Maybe it was all the anger taking up too much room to feel anything else. Is this what you wanted? I asked.
Seth didn’t respond immediately. I’m not sure what you mean. I can feel your emotions. Something has happened.
Shut up! I’m not sure what did it—the almost-sincere quality to his voice, or the fact that he had taken Lea’s sister and my mom had taken her family and, because of what Seth and I were, she had lost her life. I broke wide open in an instant. Shut up! Just shut up! Are you happy, Seth? Is that what you wanted from this?
Tears tracked down my cheeks, fast and furious. My arms shook—my entire body trembled to keep the shields up. I couldn’t let them down, not when Seth was inside my head like this. He’d know where I was and there’d be more death.
I threw my head back and there were no words, just sorrow, guilt, and rage. They poured from me in a scream that made no sound outside my body.
Stop, he said, and there was a pressure around me, almost like Seth was wrapping his arms around me, holding me still. You need to calm down because you’re bursting a lot of my brain cells. Take a couple of deep breaths. Just calm down. Okay?
Several moments passed, and I breathed heavily through them. I sat there, eyes closed, seeing nothing and feeling nothing. None of this seemed real.
Who’s dead? Seth asked, and I could tell by his tone that he expected the worst.
Lea. Even the voice inside my head sounded numb. She’s dead, like her whole family.
Seth said nothing. Maybe he knew the significance. After all, when we’d been connected before, he’d seen a lot of my past, and he probably could guess that I had no idea how to deal with this. Perhaps he was even thinking the same thing I had—that our connection had taken everything from Lea, including her life. I doubted that, even if he was thinking that, it would make any difference. Seth would continue doing what he was doing. And so would I. He didn’t say anything as I pulled my legs to my chest and balled up, desperately not wanting to feel the biting loss again. And he said nothing as the odd pressure inside me increased.
We were enemies to the core, more so now than ever, but my loss was his. When I suffered, he suffered. It was the way we were built, and even the death that he had indirectly caused couldn’t breach that or shatter what lay between us.
Nothing could.
CHAPTER 33
I don’t know how long I sat there, but when I opened my eyes again, the sky was still dark and Seth’s presence was gone. At some point, I’d felt him ease away. I thought he had whispered something before the connection faded, but I had to be hearing things, because it couldn’t be right.
I’d thought I’d heard him say he was sorry.
Obviously I was losing my mind. Seth rarely apologized, and given his needs for power and acceptance that had driven him toward this end game, I doubted he felt remorse.
Taking a deep breath, I almost choked on the bitter remnants of smoke. I knew what I needed to do—pick myself up and get moving. Sitting out here in the open, waiting for more automatons to come along, wasn’t safe.
I stood and turned, brushing the dirt off my tactical pants. The group was still around Lea’s body. Olivia was sitting beside the fallen half-blood, her head in her hands. Deacon and Luke flanked her, the half cradling his injured arm.
Wiping my hands across my cheeks, I stopped beside Aiden.
Olivia looked up, her eyes shiny in the moonlight. “She didn’t feel it, right?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t think so.”
She nodded, and then picked up Lea’s blade, holding it close as she stood. “What do we… what do we do from here?”
It was Solos who spoke. “We need to move quickly. There’s no telling if more will come along, and we’re sitting ducks out here.”
“Do you still think the University is a safe place?” Marcus asked, rubbing his chin. The palm of his hand came back red. I realized then he was bleeding.
I started toward Marcus, but he waved me off. “I’m okay. It’s just a scratch,” he said gruffly. “How do we know that the University is still standing? The automatons could’ve torched it and…”